Sexual Assault Stuck

[I'm not Spiderman]

Sometimes I just feel stuck. I've had help and I've moved on with things - can function in my daily life etc.
But I find it really hard to move on like I struggle to have people near me physically. I don't like it when people touch me or when people come close to me but I really want a boyfriend and somebody I can be close to. But I am just stuck in that mode from when I was attacked and can't move forward. I used to be the life of the party and had loads of friends and would talk to loads of people but now I'm so much more quieter. I used to be just full of confidence and I still am confident but I'm just less, like I literally feel there is less of me like he took something out of me. Other people notice this and try to bring me out of my shell and stuff but I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin and this is the hardest bit. I just want to feel comfortable in my own body again and be comfortable with a guy but this seems like it will never happen and I knew this from the moment it happened. I just feel contaminated and it won't go away and every time somebody touches me without my permission - like if I pass my someoe a book and their hand accidentally touches mine I feel contaminated and I can't stop thinking about it - it will come back up again later. Don't have male friends - all female now. The only men I am who I let hug me or near me are are family men and men from work but work is safe, nobody will touch me. I really miss closeness but I don't know how to do that

 

[Sideways]

It sounds like the "I'd really like a boyf" (which I can totally relate to, by the by) may need to be moved to the medium/long term pile of goals.

The other issues you've described: not being comfortable in your own skin/feeling 'contaminated' , and 'trust' (which includes trusting people when they touch you) are really common themes post sexual assault. Working on those, and your relationship with yourself, should perhaps be the immediate priority. You will recover. But it takes time. Healthy relationships start to happen almost of their own accord once we get a certain way through the healing process.

In the meantime, you're not alone. I understand what you're saying, and I'd go so far as to say that I think I'm feeling much of what you're feeling.

It does get better. Have some patience and try to be gentle with yourself. Your traumatic experience has done damage that needs to heal. And it will. Just give yourself some time.

 

[Friday]

I just feel contaminated and it won't go away and every time somebody touches me without my permission

I dealt with this by going the promiscuous route... My choice, my permission, always... But there are loads of less intense alternatives.

Martial Arts is what just sort of leaps to mind the strongest... As it's both a contact sport / where you're deliberately touching others and having them touch you, and also extremely focused in self control and discipline, and -quite frankly- it's weaponizing. But while that's a comfort to me, that's not necessarily comforting to anyone else.

But there are loads of touch-based, or touch-used activities. From volunteering in the NICU to hold or stroke babies, to playing patty cake with toddlers, to contact sports that aren't martial (basketball to ballroom dance), to riding public transport during busy times, to massage. Tons of stuff out there. To suit every personality. All those things have all kinds of spins and variations, where you can ease yourself into trying without having to just plunge into the deepend. Even martial arts, there's no need to immediately jump straight into sparring. Many versions of martial arts have solo activities (katas, boxing against a heavy bag, etc.) where you can accustom yourself first, and then work 1:1 with someone. Long before practicing grabs and holds and throws with a series of partners... And that's probably one of the more intense versions of reaccustoming yourself to touch.

Something that surprised me, was how much another person wasn't really necessary in order for my alarm bells to start ringing. Another person just shot defcon5 to defcon1 in no time flat. In a lot of cases, it was touch itself that evoked the oh-hell-no response,regardless of whether it was another person, me, or an inanimate object. It just wasn't as strong a response. But it was still there. That meant I got to play around a lot on my own. ((As an example I had a lot of issues for awhile with my mouth being touched. If I was already edgy? It was really obvious; choking food down, avoiding brushing my teeth, etc. So I came at it when I wasn't edgy. Sucking on candies. Using a washcloth to brush my teeth. Talking whilst eating. Learning to turn my tongue upside down. Whistling underwater. Making faces. Gargling. Blowing bubbles. Eating whilst walking. Different textures and temperatures. Anything that just really tripped me out. Aha! Let's do this for awhile!)) It takes time. A little time, a lot of time, but very much worth the time.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

May I ask how old you were when the assault happened and how old you are now ?

 

[Whyteferret]

The touch issue is common and makes sense. So is having trouble wanting and not being able to have relationship. And feelin contaminated.

It takes time. It took years for me not to feel dirty. And I still get tossed into that periodically.

Keep working with a therapist to address these things. And be gentle with yourself. Thinking "I have too..,,, right now" won't help. It turns up the stress