Sexual Assault Such A Little Whore

[jadebear]

I think I may have written about this in my diary before, IDK....

I was such a little whore as a kid, and it still makes me feel ashamed to this day. I'm sure it started at a very young age, but I mostly remember it from 4th grade and up.

In 4th grade, I always went to class early, and I went and waited in the closet in the class room for whatever random boy would go in there. There would seriously be a long line of boys outside the closet, waiting for their turn to be with me.

There was also a boy that would meet me in the parking lot, in between the cars, at recess. There was a boy that would meet me in a classroom on days that the weather was bad and we couldn't go outside to play. There was a boy I sat beside in class that I would jack off during class every day.

I did this all through my school years. Even in high school there were boys that met me in certain spots at certain times. One in the gym, behind the curtains, one in the janitors closet, one in a spot in the hallway, etc. etc.

I always felt SO bad about myself for doing this. I was so ashamed. Yet, I kept doing it. It felt powerful. I felt like I was the one in control. It made me feel powerful and ashamed at the same time.

In 4th grade, the principal called me into the office to have a talk with me about a letter I had written a boy. I had went into graphic detail about all the sexual things I would do to him if he would like me and be my boyfriend. He told me I was way too young to be doing those kinds of things, gave me a lecture and sent me on my way. That 'should' have been enough humiliation to make me stop doing what I was doing, but it wasn't. I continued to be a little whore.

Why would I have done that? It seems like I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with sex at all instead of going the opposite way.

Maybe this post is just more of a confession....IDK. Maybe I just feel ashamed and guilty and needed to get it off my chest.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I remember feeling powerful when I was with boys who wanted sex and I provided some foreplay but refused to actually have sex with them.

I was a prick tease.

For pretty much the same rush of power that you're talking about.

They always shamed me for teasing them, and dumped on me. I felt ashamed too, deeply. And, I internalized the blame for "getting myself raped" like my mom always seemed to think of me.

I'm not ashamed of you.

 

[jadebear]

Well thanks for not being ashamed of me.

I actually do feel a little better about it after just blurting it out like that.

 

[leanne1321]

Jadebear,

I did the exact same thing too, I didn't have sex, but everything else... well, in classrooms, under the desk, behind curtains... you name it!

So just to let you know, you aren't alone.:affection:

 

[Nyx]

It's about control. Instead of being abused and boys having their way with you, you were allowing it. It was you who was controlling things. Seeing your dad do all that stuff since you were a kid taught you that all men and all boys are alike: sexual predators. The the conservative instinct told you to take charge. Pardon my language... instead of being f*cked, f*cking them (figuratively speaking). When they were weak you were strong. That's why you kept doing it - illusion of control.

But that doesn't make you a whore. Look at the examples you had since childhood, look at the events you went through, it's only normal you did whatever it took to survive. In a world filled with sexual predators what better way is there to survive than to give it up? Right? Wrong. And you know that now. But you didn't then, you were too young to know it and had no one to teach you that.

Don't judge yourself by your past, learn from it and move on to the good life. You have all the premises for it.

 

[jadebear]

You're right Nyx.

I guess the saying "children learn what they live" is true.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Your behavior is a reaction to your experiences and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It is actually a typical response to sexual abuse. You did not ask for the modeling you received earlier. People usually go to extremes after experiencing abuse: One extreme acting out sexually and the other avoiding any sexual behavior. Some people alternate between the two depending on the situation or their feelings.

A significant number of teenage runaways (girls and boys) or adults with sexual abuse histories who become prostitutes see no other way in relating to other people. In addition, they already feel abused and ashamed... and why not get paid for something they had already experienced previously? The perception of control plays a huge role in this behavior, false control as Nyx said. As you can see from Leanne and muzikluvr you are absolutely NOT alone. Even the police are learning and reacting by not only victimizing the "prostitutes" and instead or at least in addition going after the men.

I personally went to the other extreme. I have always avoided intimate relationships or even being in the same room alone with another person. For the longest time, I avoided men in particular (throughout my childhood only men were my perpetrators), until a few women responded to me (and my perceived vulnerability) during the past few years by wanting to lure me into something. I wasn't even able to pick up on the cues and dissociated once the women approached me more physically (my usual response to any kind of touch). In one instance a friend of mine had observed the earlier interaction (and my cluelessness) and actually came to my house to interrupt the scenario. It took a while for the friend to "awaken" me from the dissociative state, at which point I totally "freaked out." Despite years of therapy, I am still no closer to being able to even imagine my involvement in a consensual relationship with anyone. I hope you see that my reaction is no better or worse than yours, just different. This does not mean that I am not ashamed or embarrassed of being me. I definitely am and need to work on that...

What I am most bothered by in your story is the school principal who did not see the warning signs of sexual abuse. Your behaviors are examples of "mastery play" and are taught as symptoms of abuse in classes for students wanting to become teachers or administrators in the school setting. I have taught classes at the university level on these very topics. These behaviors can also be seen as "cries for help." From your description, teachers and staff should have been aware of that. If the boys knew about what was going on, how many girls do you think were aware of what was happening? Do you think that none of the girls talked to parents or other caring adults if just to try and understand what they were "observing" or hearing about? Those parents or caring adults could have also stepped in to stop the scenario and give you the help you deserved.

 

[nickie]

when I was a young kid I tried sexual advances on anyone that was male. I used to feel ashamed about it. I was giving bjs to anyone who asked by 11. I don't if I were raped or if I'm just sick.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I don't if I were raped or if I'm just sick.

I would honestly question the idea of "sick." Hormones can trigger interest and exploration, but definitely not to that extent. Exploration can be done alone to see how things feel (completely appropriate at really any age). Mutual exploration is a two-way street where two kids or inexperienced individuals touch each other.

By the way, it does not require being raped either to demonstrate the behavior you describe. Role modeling of sexual advances or flirtation of women with males suffices. Observing women you looked up to flirting with men, watching extreme shows on TV, or observing women primarily in a pleasing role towards men can all teach you that women are "sexual objects." With the "help" of positive feedback from males your behavior can be shaped, meaning that men encouraged it.

Did anyone ever tell you that you do not need to "act like that" towards men? Did men and boys flirt back? Did someone teach you how to give blow jobs? It takes a village to raise a child and that includes teaching and role modeling "appropriate" (more neutral) behavior. If older boys or men encouraged or taught you how to give blow jobs, they were showing inappropriate behavior. If the boys were same-aged peers I would suspect that at least one of them had been "abused."

From what I have heard from peers and students there are certain classes where kids interact with each other sexually by giving blow jobs. So it takes one or two kids who know and then make it appear like the cool thing to do.

Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by the behaviors you demonstrated...

 

[nickie]

I was showing other signs before then when I was 5 and younger

 

[cherryblossom]

It's about control. Instead of being abused and boys having their way with you, you were allowing it. It was you who was controlling things.

I totally agree Nyx. I wasn't abused as a child, but after I was raped, I'm not proud to say, but I was really promiscuous, and slept with guys I'd only just met, etc. Even though at the time I couldn't see why I was doing it, I know it was about control. If I gave sex willingly, then they couldn't just take it (rape me).

 

[Hlost]

I went through similar actions after my abduction/rape.You would think I would have had an opposite reaction but I did not, in fact I went directly to turning it on older men. It felt powerful,it never occurred to me there was something terribly wrong with men having sex with a 11 yr old! I rarely touched boys at school deeming boys are boys, not my thing unless there was a 'player' then I would take him down. I was on a rampage of rage with sex. I fell in love but couldn't stay because I didn't change, I had so many problems then once again got into a trauma situation I couldn't control.. I went so far as to think if this is all men want then I should get paid, screw them! I did not stand on a corner I thought I want them to really pay for what they did to me so I hooked up with this sleazy older guy who got me touch with a man that decided it might good to give me an apartment with a salary and poof! call girl.

I thought this was all so insane, I had them all fooled and I was loosing myself in rage and pain. I was drinking myself to death due to the insanity of it all. I had maybe 2 calls in 2 months and that was it. I went to AA and quit drinking and quit the 'business'. I was still in the mind-set but I was getting an idea of what was going on. It was about a year or so later when the flashbacks started and it all became clearer.Everything stopped and I stopped.

I was 11 when my 2nd trauma happened and I snapped. It was like the icing on the cake, I just couldn't take anymore being a victim. Should I feel shame? I don't see shame in what you did, you were terribly wounded.