Sexual Assault Such A Little Whore

[jadebear]

What I am most bothered by in your story is the school principal who did not see the warning signs of sexual abuse. .

That's the same thing my T. said.

There were plenty of people that could have stepped in. I'm actually surprised that nobody did. Things are different now than they were then I guess.

There was lots of other things too that when I think about them now, It's hard to believe nobody ever did anything. Like the bus driver putting me on his lap while he was driving...and even letting me steer the bus.Having me sit beside him, on the metal box that controlled the lights and stuff, instead of having me sit in a seat. Didn't other kids on the bus tell their parents? Didn't anyone find it odd or wrong? I didn't.... I liked the attention.

Or why didn't teachers or anyone notice that I obviously had a drug problem by age 11?

Why didn't the police, the judge, the court system step in when my dad was arrested for rape when I was 5, knowing that 5 little kids were right there and witnessed it? They took the time to question us, even made my older sister testify, why didn't they take the time to help us? Didn't they even worry about us living with a rapist?

Why didn't the school report that I was neglected instead of taking care of my injuries during school hours? Instead of asking me why I wasn't taken to the doctor, why didn't they make sure I was?

When I showed up to school one day and refused to sit in my seat, why didn't the teacher investigate why I wouldn't/couldn't sit instead of announcing to the class "jade doesn't have to sit in her seat, she gets to stand, but she's the only one allowed to do that"?

When the school called in a psychologist and had him talk to me after I tried to kill myself, why didn't he do anything? He asked "you're just not happy in your home, are you?"....and I said no....why ask if he wasn't going to do anything about it?

One teacher told me she worried about me because I was so tiny and so skinny. She said she was putting my desk by hers so she could keep an eye on me. Why didn't she DO something about it, why didn't she make sure I had food. Putting me by her desk may have eased her mind a little, but it didn't change things.

There's so many other things, so many times someone could have stepped in. But nobody did.

 

[Nyx]

I think they were afraid to. Even now sexual abuse has a great deal of stygma to it, it's clear that during your childhood the stigma was double. I think they were just chicken shitheads that were too afraid and to comfortable to do anything that would disrupt their lives... Makes me so angry just to think about it...:banghead:

 

[leanne1321]

Completely agree with Nyx. It's so sad that there were so many who could've stepped in to help you. I'm sure that many had their suspicions (I find it hard to believe that many, if not any didn't). Some people turn a blind eye because they don't want to admit that these horrible things happen, especially to children. And a lot of people, including myself, can never imagine or begin to understand why a parent would do that to their own.

Like you said, times have changed, people are more aware that this is reality for so many children and authorities, such as teachers, police, doctors etc. have better training for spotting signs nowadays. They're still completely useless though, the whole system needs to change.

Just as an example, (I don't know what country you're from) but I'm British (not lived there for 3 yrs) and my father is a probation officer and my husband was a police officer, so I have a good understanding of how these shit systems work. Anyway, a guy that I'd gone to school with had a few kids. Social services were called a number of times because of neglect and possibly other stuff. They investigated, as they have to, but saw fit to keep the children where they were. A few months later, their 2 year old died (don't know the details), but both parents are now in prison.

I can give you a ton more examples, but my point is, until the public are ready to confront it and governments are ready to become stricter, the authorities are very limited with what they can do. 50 years ago, there was a stygma about regular domestic abuse. Women and children were owned by men. It's such a shame that so many people have to suffer, but it will change eventually and I know that's a little comfort after what you've survived.

 

[anndeb]

My experience is somewhat similar.. my abuse occurred at a very young age, and before I had any idea of contact with another person, but I became obsessed with jacking off myself. Every opportunity that happened even before I had any idea such things were supposed to be private I would release tension that way. Then when I learned through more shaming from my mother (abuser) I learned to hide it. But the behavior continued, in school, the playground anywhere I thought I could and not get caught. Then I guess I got interested in other things and the compulsion lessoned.

I am still terrified of almost any sexual contact with another person and self release is still my only expression at the moment. I hope to find a good partner to practice with though. My triggers are intense and lead to high anxiety and a 'frozen' reaction so far. I know I need a lot of help. :help:

<Edited by Nyx - Please mind the capitalization of 'I'>

 

[KAT]

I was sexually active as a young child ( 3rd grade a boy fingered me for weeks until another girl told on him.Nothing was ever said about it.) up until I married my husband. I have always felt extremely bad about my behavior. I know now that I had to bounties, no way to defend or protect :(myself. You are not alone Jadebear.

 

[Mercy]

It's about control. Instead of being abused and boys having their way with you, you were allowing it. It was you who was controlling things. Seeing your dad do all that stuff since you were a kid taught you that all men and all boys are alike: sexual predators. The the conservative instinct told you to take charge. Pardon my language... instead of being f**ked, f**king them (figuratively speaking). When they were weak you were strong. That's why you kept doing it - illusion of control.

I agree totally with Nyx. Being in control is the opposite of being victimized. You kept your balance. I can understand not feeling proud of yourself for being so sexualized but that is what you learned, so that is what you did. I used to find the most powerful man in the class, office, school....and seduce him for protection against rape by the others. This was probably a very warped understanding of what was real about the situation and what I perceived but that's what I did. And it was sex on my terms!

But that doesn't make you a whore. Look at the examples you had since childhood, look at the events you went through, it's only normal you did whatever it took to survive. In a world filled with sexual predators what better way is there to survive than to give it up? Right? Wrong. And you know that now. But you didn't then, you were too young to know it and had no one to teach you that.

:affection: :love:

Don't judge yourself by your past, learn from it and move on to the good life. You have all the premises for it.

:dance:

I was such a little whore as a kid, and it still makes me feel ashamed to this day. I'm sure it started at a very young age, but I mostly remember it from 4th grade and up.

A whore implies that you were paid or given favors. I think the 'payment' was a kind of acceptance and belonging. So sad, you needed to be loved and cherished as every child does and this is as close as you could get. It makes me want to cry.:cry:

In 4th grade, I always went to class early, and I went and waited in the closet in the class room for whatever random boy would go in there. There would seriously be a long line of boys outside the closet, waiting for their turn to be with me.

"A seriously long line", and no adult came to see what was going on. Shame on them!:furious:

There was also a boy that would meet me in the parking lot, in between the cars, at recess........ I did this all through my school years. Even in high school there were boys that met me in certain spots at certain times. One in the gym, behind the curtains, one in the janitors closet, one in a spot in the hallway, etc. etc.:trapped:

I always felt SO bad about myself for doing this.:( I was so ashamed. Yet, I kept doing it. It felt powerful. I felt like I was the one in control. It made me feel powerful and ashamed at the same time.

:confused:

:wave: I wonder how you would describe ashamed- not behaving like the other girls - not having the nice clothes that could have separated you from feeling so badly anyway....having a reputation that any boy could go to you and get some?

In 4th grade, the principal called me into the office to have a talk with me about a letter I had written a boy. I had went into graphic detail about all the sexual things I would do to him if he would like me and be my boyfriend. He told me I was way too young to be doing those kinds of things, gave me a lecture and sent me on my way. That 'should' have been enough humiliation to make me stop doing what I was doing, but it wasn't. I continued to be a little whore.

:banghead:

What an a***h*le that Principal was. If he knew you were too young to know all that, why didn't he try to find out where you learned it!

I just feel ashamed and guilty and needed to get it off my chest.

Sweetie, :)that is what we are here for, to help one another along this winding and harsh road back from the brink, the dark pit. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your teachers, social workers, principals, hall monitors should be terribly ashamed. They deserved public humiliation and loss of their jobs for their neglect of you and your needs.:stomp:

In New England long ago, we used to have 'stocks' where a person would kneel down and rest his or her wrists and neck on the places carved out of a plank. A second matching plank was lowered on top of the first. Everyone who walked by knew what they had done wrong. They were spat upon, kicked, called all kinds of names. Your abusers by neglect of your needs should have had to spend some time in the stocks for everyone to see.:mad:

 

[jadebear]

I was thinking about this stuff today, I don't know why.

I don't really feel so ashamed of it anymore. It just makes me sad. I was doing what I was taught. I can finally see it in a different way. I shouldn't feel bad about myself for it, I was an abused and neglected little girl. This was the result.

 

[cherryblossom]

That's a great turn around JB.

Shame is one of those massive negative emotions, that we (survivors) have to deal with. It's really positive that you now see things differently, and also a true inspiration to others. Nice one :thumbsup: