Suddenly Scared To Be Alone - Need Advice

[Justmehere]

I feel really foolish and embarrassed to post this thread, but I'm kind of drowning a little in sorting this out and maybe I need to learn to be a little less hard on myself for feeling what I'm feeling right now.

Please bear with me.

I am a very ambivalently attached person. This means I want relationships but I'm also scared of them. I started to shift to a much more secure attachment style a year ago, and then some losses happened and I became much more avoidant of relationships.

My therapist is intentionally trying to help wake up the need for connection and help me work through my fears so I can be closer with people without the fear. She literally spent an exterior session doing a somatic experiencing / exposure therapy excerise with her saying "I see you."

I was neglected as a child (and survived other childhood and adult hood traumas.) In my family, being unseen and being seen was life threatening. I feel really scared of and intensely confused by connecting with being seen and being unseen. My therapist assures me I'm not a narcissist for wanting to be seen, and I'm not a freak for being scared of being seen at them same time. She says its ambivalent attachment rearing its head... And I'm trying to work through it.

Right now, I'm in a place where being alone is very hard. I'm not used to it being this hard. It's like inducing panic attacks. The last time I had panic attacks about being alone was when I was a kid. I'm so confused about it now. It's hit me at 3am a few times and I left to go hang in an all night diner just to not be alone.

Now it's hitting me during the day. I feel foolish and stupid and needy, but I'm trying to leave these judgements to the side... Because as my therapist says, "it doesn't really help anything." She says its not accurate too, but I'm not really buying that...

It is what it is. I can't judge myself out of what I feel. It is there.

There are no cognitive thoughts like "if I am alone I will be in danger." It's more like I notice I'm alone, and/or I see other people together, and I feel dread. Tremendous dread.

I'm studying and getting work done in busy public places, but it's not it. It's like terrifying loneliness. I have friends and I'm staying connected to them, and I do ok when with them. I'm still pretty walled when around them, but I am noticing a little panic for a moment when we part. It's so strange for me.

I'm usually an extremely independent person to the point it's really quite unhealthy, so I know my perspective on this is skewed and maybe I'm simply shifting to a more healthy place...

But the fear part is a bit tremendous. It's probably a little regressive too.

It is what it is.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

 

[Gadgie]

Hello, you didn't mention if you are married, or in a relationship, or have been used to living with someone in the past?

It's just that, if this fear of being alone is because you now find yourself on your own, or have you always lived alone?

The fact that you have a therapist helping you is a good thing, how long have you been having therapy, and do you feel if it's working out for you?

 

[Justmehere]

There have been no recent changes or shirts in my living situation or relationships, which makes this all the more confusing and likely to be related to the work in therapy.

I have lived alone for the vast majority of 7 years. I used to date, used to be engaged, used to live with roommates that I was very close to for many years. Then trauma happened as an adult... and it's been a few years since living with anyone. I date on and off now, but no serious significant other in my life for the past year. No family except one person who is 1,000 miles away. I have a handful of friends and I've made a few extra plans to connect with them a little more often for the next week...

My therapist is amazing, trained in several trauma techniques that have worked for me when i had exhausted all others and stalled out in my recovery process. I have worked with her about a year. I have been in therapy on and off for several years. My other PTSD symptoms are continuing to improve overall.

This is one heck of a tough spot. Other therapists have told me I would go through a season feeling like this, if I had the courage to get through it and not run, it would get better. I never thought I would actually get this far and it's so confusing!

 

[Pakadlangitok]

I got this, too. I started to stay in the supermarket and study until it made people uncomfortable and had to leave. So I went to library and hung out a lot. But then it got worse to be around people and alone. In the end, I am here online. I am around people who cannot see me but are there and they respond to my posts and treat me kindly. I like you people here. :-) It beats being in the library and no one cares that I am in panic mode. You guys know what that feels like.
So I stay online or I go to places where people know me.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I can relate a lot to what you're experiencing. Sometimes I just need someone to be there with me. Not to do anything in particular; it's just because I feel a desparate need to not be alone.

Could your fear to be alone be related to the intense therapy sessions? Like it's breaking down your walls faster than you can put them up again?

 

[Gadgie]

Quote........"It beats being in the library and no one cares that I am in panic mode. You guys know what that feels like."

I find when I come in here that I'm not alone any more, and as I don't have any friends, and live alone, I find coming in here is my only company.

But that's OK, because that's all I need just now, as I still feel unable to mix with other people, in real life.