Relationship Sufferer Coming Back Home. Very Nervous

[Livy's Mom]

Hey everyone. Last I posted you all gave me some very good advice on how to handle things with my sufferer and our little girl. I took your advice and was very firm with what was best for her and I.

I didn't budge. I always give in when it comes to what I want for myself but when it came to our daughter I didn't move an inch. I wanted to give a quick thank you to all of you who helped me stay strong for my little girl. Although I don't know you personally, there were a few times I pictured your made up faces in my mind giving me stern yet loving faces when I felt myself getting weak.

So anyway there it is. You may not know how helpful you all are :-)

Now moving forward I can't say what exactly was the turning point but it seems to have been my daughter and my unwillingness to budge with the boundaries I set but my sufferer contacted me and says he wants to go to therapy alone and with me and come home.

He has NEVER accepted therapy before so this is a major move forward for him.

I did make one error already and I told him he could come home prior to starting therapy. I realized this after the fact and I don't want to go back on it. I don't want to set him back.

I wish I had told him to go to therapy and then we will see how it goes but I was so relieved to have him coming home I forgot all of the negative that comes with it.

I am now very nervous. I am afraid he will come back and everything will be on his terms just like it was before. I can accept this may happen because obviously he is not in therapy and nothing has changed. What I will have a hard time accepting is the moving out again. Inevitably this is what it will come to. If he doesn't move out it will only be because I have chosen to stuff all of my feelings down.

Maybe I will stuff them down temporarily until we are in therapy and we can learn how to deal with them better, I don't know.

He comes home tonight. Oh boy.

 

[amethist]

Good luck with everything.

Maybe you could set some boundaries that he cannot cross, while you get going with the therapy.

He may be coming home, but if he crosses the boundaries, the consequence could be he moves out again until he is well on way with therapy.

 

[Livy's Mom]

That is the plan. I only wish I had allowed myself some time to identify what those boundaries should be. I feel unprepared. I had a preexisting therapy appointment scheduled for Thursday that he has agreed to attend. It is a new therapist for me so we will both be starting fresh.

I am hopeful but cautious.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I wish you the best Livy's Mom. I hope it works out well and keep yourself healthy. I think staying cautious is a good idea and I would expect nothing less.

Good luck. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Good luck for you, your sufferer and your little girl :)

 

[nursenurse]

A light bulb moment for him. Hopefully it will stay on. It will never be an easy road, but is navigable with some work. You put his progress ahead of yourself, you realize. I hope it does not come back go bite you. Good luck!

 

[Abstract]

Good for you! Look what happens with boundaries. I agree that getting him to go to therapy and prove a few things first would have been better but you can still work with this from where you are.

Even if you are unclear at present if it was me I would rough write down anything you think should change; things that bother you and mostly things you will not accept for your daughter. It can be insidious and confusing once one is in in something and hard to see up from down I find.

You could at least meet his moving in with a definite ultimatum for him returning to therapy. I think that would be a good solid start. And there should be definite boundaries to do with safety for your daughter such as drinking and him being around her.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I would rough write down anything you think should change; things that bother you and mostly things you will not accept for your daughter. It can be insidious and confusing once one is in in something and hard to see up from down I find.

I have been doing this as I think of things. He will be talking to me and instead of jumping right into a conversation I make a note in my phone to address it at therapy. I don't think we are capable just yet of tackling many of these things on our own.

there should be definite boundaries to do with safety for your daughter such as drinking and him being around her.

This is my number one boundary. I have to make sure I don't overwhelm the situation with things I want changed, then the importance of things like this will get lost in the shuffle.

Thanks everyone for your support. It's been 2 days of things going well and in a "normal" relationship that would be no big deal but to us that is a serious accomplishment!

 

[amethist]

Its all about baby steps for both of you, one step at a time to get to the place you both want to be.