Sufferer to Supporter - Being open. How much is enough?

[Friday]

As a supporter? I pretty much want to know everything.

As a sufferer? :whistling:

Well... in retrospect one of the reasons I married my ex husband was that he didn’t give a damn about me/ my past/ the effects of my past on me / etc. His total disinterest allowed me to not just start a new chapter, but close the book, lock it in a chest, bury it, shoot everyone who saw me bury it and dump them in the hole, too, fill the whole thing in with cement, slap nuclear waste & biohazard warning signs all over everything in case anyone started digging, cover it with top soil, sod it, and declare it a wetland preservation site.

I’ve been in some romantic relationships & some friendships where I’m super open. Looking back, the common denominators were shared experience -didn’t have to be my war or theirs, just the same brand of crazy- AND, probably more importantly, a wicked sense of humor married with utter and complete discretion. The whole language without words thing. When someone’s knee jerk is to make fun of shit 1:1 and I never have to worry about their skylining me, or throwing me under the bus when people are around? They speak my language? Partner in crime shit? I don’t use a filter around them. Because I don’t need to. It’s rare. It’s reeeeeeally rare that happens.

Granted there are some things I can’t or won’t ever share, it’s the obvious ones.....

Be careful with this one. What seems obvious to one person usually isn’t to anyone else.

Absolutely, some are, but the hint as to which are which? Is that truly obvious triggers/stressors/side-effects usually aren’t called that. They’re called “good manners” & “common sense”. Like it’s only good manners to sing out before entering a room rather than sneaking up on someone, and it’s plain common sense that if you startled someone awake they may well attack you.

Sometimes he doesn’t realize he is doing something and it makes him stop and think. Sometimes he opens right up.

I never knew I took annual mini-vacations for yeeeeeears. I always thought I’d just spontaneously decided to take my kid up for a week in the snow, or to drive down to the beach to go surfing, or to jaunt up or over to Canada/UK/etc. for a couple few days.

:bag: Until someone pointed it out to me.

Which was awesome by the by, as after I got over my “Pfft! No I don’t! What are you on about?!?” it let me actually plan for and around them.

 

[Nessa7]

Start with the ones that are easiest to talk about. Gradually, some of the harder ones to talk about won't seem as hard.

If there's a moment when you feel like you're capable of talking about something that is hard for you, seize it immediately. Some of the best conversations that I've had about my triggers have been completely spur of the moment and probably wouldn't have happened if I let myself come up with reasons not to.

 

[LuckiLee]

The more information I have, the better things will be for both of us. My guy doesn't like the dark. "Shadows are bad". I grew up being told to turn the lights off when you leave a room. I would root through a room without even turning on a light. Never knowing it was a trigger for J. He explained his thought process to me. (the enemy hides in corners, a jacket laying on the couch could be an explosive...) Now I understand it. J's like you with the driving too. When I've seen him at his worst? We were usually driving. I guess what I'm saying is if you're committed, share what you can. We've been together 6 years now so we've had thousands of conversations about PTSD and what it's like for BOTH of us. Good luck and asking this question says alot about you! :) xo

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks all, took me a bit to digest all the salient points you all gave. Still taking some in.

asked your partner if they’ve noticed anything in particular that seems to trigger you or cause you to react?

I haven’t, and this is great. Never thought to ask. He says sometimes that he notices when things aren’t right with me, but it might be good to know what that means to him. I have a huge drive to stay invisible, blend it, conceal, dig a hole & cover with foliage....you get the idea. So when he tells me that, my brain flips, but if I ask about it before it happens then it could be safer.

What seems obvious to one person usually isn’t to anyone else.

This is a tough one, I don’t trust myself enough to know how to navigate that properly. But I would say that’s why I’m here. Learn how to put stuff out there, I’m allowed to have an opinion, allowed to express myself, I don’t have to be a robot all the time, people won’t die if I try to be vulnerable and more human.
Phew.....

 

[Friday]

I have a huge drive to stay invisible, blend it, conceal, dig a hole & cover with foliage....you get the idea. So when he tells me that, my brain flips, but if I ask about it before it happens then it could be safer

One of the core beliefs I have / work on “Admitting weakness is wrong.”

The best counter to that, I’ve found?

“Except when you’re part of a team.”

Because when you’re part of a team strengths and weaknesses are equally important to be known, so that they can be used. :sneaky: Not just weaknesses countered, either. Like when you know Charlie has an explosive temper? Deliberately stationing him where that temper is going to be an asset (as a distraction, or shock point, or Big Dog backing others down who only understand in your face aggression, etc.). Meanwhile, Mike? Is quiet, disappears into the background, so self effacing it’s hard to even remember he’s there. Huge weakness if you’re doing crowd control by needing a Rottweiler people are afraid to pass. Huge asset if you need to slip someone by & recce the situation.

Weaknesses become strengths, when they’re known & used as such.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@Friday you’re a freaking wizard to me. Your posts are pure wisdom that I understand. Not just here but on the site in general. Thank you for this bit of wisdom, I’m gonna add it to my weapons cache for when my brain goes to “weak piece of....”.
It has gone there so frequently lately while I’m working on battling dragons. I’m grateful for what you all give me to fight back.

With all of you here, I’m learning to be more open with my thoughts and troubles.

 

[Freida]

I’m allowed to have an opinion, allowed to express myself, I don’t have to be a robot all the time, people won’t die if I try to be vulnerable and more human.

Yes You ARE!!!!! So proud of you! :hug: