Suicidal Friends - Terrified

[Ryn]

I slept maybe two hours last night - the rest of it was spent huddled in a ball in the dark, crying and shaking and feeling incredibly hopeless. The suicidal thoughts have returned with a vengeance and it is getting harder and harder to see any sort of reason to live. I am in a really dark place and I am so, so tired. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, but I want to not exist anymore.

This morning I got a text from a friend. I have two very good friends who are both very depressed and on-and-off suicidal. Friend #1 asked if she could come over for the day because her toxic family was making her feel desperate and she wanted to die. Of course I said she could. I ignored my growing migraine (and the fact that all I really wanted to do was nap) and took care of her, cooked her some food, put on a movie, went on a short walk with her, and generally cheered her up. She left a short while ago feeling a bit better, and I am mentally exhausted - but in just an hour or so, Friend #2 is coming to stay the night.

Friend #2 I have been very worried about for quite a long time, and she called earlier today after not answering my calls for several weeks. Her voice sounded about to break, but she asked if she could stay the night "basically so I don't kill myself," were her words. I said yes, please come, thank you for calling me.

I am absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing in the precious time I have with her tonight. I can listen, but I've never been good at talking and comforting. What if I say something wrong? What if this is the last time I ever see her? If she kills herself, I will never forgive myself. I know if that were to happen I would have to immediately admit myself to hospital to keep from committing suicide myself. These aren't just mere acquaintances; these are lifelong friends I've had since I was a young child. What if I don't do enough tonight and spend a lifetime regretting it?

I WANT to be 100% reliable and on call for her at all times if she needs me, but I know I can't. That's too much to ask for even a healthy person, let alone someone who is secretly thinking of suicide also.

I am also (selfishly?) worried about myself and the huge amount of stress this is putting on me. I am so afraid of sinking lower than I already am. The situation echoes back to when I was being abused - I was more or less put in control of my loved ones' lives (if I told they would get hurt; if I kept silent they would be safe). I know that control was an illusion, just like it is now. But I can't help feeling it is my responsibility to keep my friends safe, and if they get hurt then it will be my failure. That's too much for a child to bear, and it's too much for an adult to bear, too. There is so much guilt.

Anyway, she will be here soon. I am very scared. I'm not sure what the purpose of this thread is other than to vent, sorry. Any support or insight is more than welcome.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Having PTSD I put a lot of pressure on myself to the point of seizures sometimes. Or so speculates my counselor.

My dad taught me this, "do your best, it's the best anyone can ask of you"

You can't bear the weight of the world on your shoulders. Good God have mercy on your soul!

Look, your doing more then most are doing for her clearly.

I would hope your "secretly selfish" and worried about yourself.

You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. It sounds like your doing what you have to do. It's very noble of you. But remember, you have to do your best and not live up to your fantasy. Your ego will only distract you from trying to do what is best. Darkness feeds on more darkness, focus on what is good and do it. Forgive yourself when you can't.

I am here for you buddy. I respect you for trying to do this for your friends. If you need anything shoot me a PM.

 

[Caterpillar]

I've been in this same situation so many times.

You're already being an amazing friend just by being there. There's no special thing you can say or do that will save your friend. Just being there is really all anyone can do.

It took me a very long time to let go of that desperate feeling that I needed to save people, and that if I failed their suicide would be my fault, my own unforgivable failing. I give everything I can, and if I lose someone, then that's their choice to leave. I respect the choice, I don't blame my friends who've committed or attempted suicide because they were just reacting to their pain, but I also don't blame myself. Ultimately I can't save anyone. They have to choose to save themselves. Or not.

It is a terrible daily stress still, though. Really, I don't know the words for what it feels like to be both sufferer and supporter at the same time, but I struggle with it every day to some extent. So you'll be in my thoughts, Ryn, and I hope things get better for you and for your friends.

 

[Ryn]

Thanks for your replies. Things went better than expected and I think I did help her, but I am just emotionally exhausted. Still scared for my friends.

what it feels like to be both sufferer and supporter at the same time

Yes, thanks for putting this into words - I guess this was the main point I've been thinking about lately. It is so hard to find the right balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of others.

 

[Pixi23]

You sound like a good friend of mine.
He helped me all he could. Until he couldnt anymore. I was very codependent on him.
He saved my life many times.
But it is my responsiblity to save myself.
I have a toxic family as well.
I think the days where he spent the day with me were the most helpful. Listening and advice yeah yeah that stuff is second best.
The company of a friend is what saved me.
Tell them your boundaries.
State them clearly and then reassure that the boundaries need to be respected.
I think your post is very kind.
I only wish my friend had cared as much as you did. He wouldnt even let me spend the day with him..even when I offered to drive miles and miles to his city.
Sorry for all that info...I just wanted you to know that what you do is amazing. I only wish I had a friend like that. Always take care of yourself . Offer what you want to your friends..not what you feel you have to.