Suicide

[annonamous]

So I have lived with depression and anxiety agoraphobia and panic attacks since I was 13 years old (now 28). Ten years ago I lost my daughter she was born prematurely and passed away 2 weeks later. After that I tried to kill myself 21 times the last time I still cant explain how I'm alive today with no damage. I had alcohol and drug abuse for about 1 year before being able to just stop. But nothing helped me get better. For ten years I have been free of suicidal thoughts and attempts and thought I was starting to get better these last few months.

But now today both are back and nothing is working. I have tried and failed to end it all. I cant keep on like this and I want to die. Why is this happening to me now? I wish I was normal and that this wasn't happening to me. Don't judge me. I just want non abusive and constructive responses.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh I'm sorry. For your losses and for how you're feeling now. I don't know what to say to make it better, but please know that you are important. You do matter. And this ideation you're feeling will pass. Just hold on. And if you must, just go to the hospital. You can be safe there.

(hugs)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@annonamous. Please call 911 or 999/112 whichever country you are in.

As @Go Hungry says you are important.

Please please call and please stay safe

Laurie

 

[Notsowild]

I have had anxiety and panic attacks for over 20 years. I've had those sudden suicidal thoughts too. They're scary. Do you know about mindfulness or do any meditation? It helps alot. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist? Are you on any meds? You matter. Keep texting us. We understand :hug:

 

[silkleaves]

I am so sorry to hear this... I too have a history, and the feeling has ebbed and flowed through the years. I now carry a card with a Veterans Suicide Hotline everywhere I go...just in case. I have not used it yet, its just my security blanket I guess you can say.

But I really urge you to find and call a hotline, and if you truly feel that you are close to doing something to yourself, please get to the ER right away.

 

[annonamous]

Thank you all for the messages. I am not on meds because they were afraid id use them for more attempts. I have tried everything and nothing has helped. When ever I seem to be getting better people always bring me down always calling me a failure and ugly. Some even have said id be better of dead. My whole life I have been verbally and physically abused (not sexually). I feel useless and waste of space and everyone has always made me feel this way.

 

[Notsowild]

What lowlife scum of the earth said you'd be better off dead? All of us PTSD sufferers are human too. We have just as much right to be here as they do. Don't listen to that garbage. Just talk to the ones that understand like us ((((HUGS))))

 

[silkleaves]

The best I can say really, is to come to terms with it that the people who are doing this need to be cut out of your life. I had to do this, it was a long process, and even now the words and intent linger strong in my mind. But at the least, they are not there to continue to validate and confirm these things to me.

The hardest part is that, the main instigator in this was my mother. While my sister completely understands, because well, she grew up with the same thing, no one else in my family gets it and so I sort of traded in hearing it from my mom, to now the rest of my family looking at me, and talking about me that I'm a horrible daughter. So now I'm estranged from my whole family, save for my sister and one cousin.

But...even with all of that, it was worth it. I'm really sad with how things turned out, but that's nothing in comparison to having to hear over and again that I didn't deserve to be here. I already hear it in my head, that's bad enough. I don't need the validation. It took me several years to work up to cutting her out of my life, and it actually took a conversation with her that ended with me scaring myself. And I ended it right then and there. So that's something to start thinking about...even if it takes awhile, to get those outside forces out of your life and cut the ties for good.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I agree totally with @silkleaves. You need to cut out the toxic people and focus on the good ones. A bit like de-cluttering the attic.

I cut out all the toxic people and was surprises how quickly I started to feel better about myself.

:hug:s

 

[onesie]

Omg! I totally can empathize. What horrible people, to say that to you. I also, have been treated like that. By my mother, brother, the church, my entire family, cousins, aunts, etc. It hurts, beyond hurting. I had, to finally cut the thorns, out of my life. The thorns, are all the people, that do not respect me. Same with you. You are important. Please listen to that. Start telling yourself, that you matter. Your life, is precious. Let the thorns go. Be the rose, that you really are. Surround yourself, with beauty. Everyday, wake up, look in your mirror, and say that you matter. I wish you the best. Hugs for strength, and a smile, for joy. Take care. ;)

 

[annonamous]

Thank you all for saving my life. I went to hospital after oding and have been released after being in observation ward alnight. All your kind thoughts and words led me to seek help and not give up thank you from the bottom of my heart