In May of 2007 I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital with horrible chest pains. I was there for a week and when I got out life as I had known it was over. I have never gotten better. The medicos tell me I may never be able to work again.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when my middle son who is a Marine(no longer active duty) was among the first to march into Baghdad. My PTSD is from a very abusive marriage.He abused me in every way a man can abuse a woman. I ended up in the psych ward in the local hospital twice for what was called "mental exhaustion" The first time I went into what they called a fugue state, and I have a week that I have no memory of. For years after, when things got bad I would try to make it happen upon command. Alas, I was never able to do it again.
When I finally got brave enough ( or maybe just desperate enough) to leave and stay gone, he abducted the 4 kids and disappeared. His Lawyer informed me if I didn't return to the marriage I would never see my children again. I did the one thing nobody thought me capable of -I fought back, with everything I could muster. It took me 13 months and thousands of dollars I didn't have, but I got my babies back. Only they were not the same ones he took and things were never the same.
For years I could tell you that when I felt that I couldn't protect my kids I got a little wonky (this is a clinical term, not really) For the better part of 2 decades I passed like an almost normal person with OCD.
I had never failed at anything I had attempted to do (except my marriage). 16 months after the divorce was final, the children's father passed away from congestive heart failure. It provided me with the opportunity to have a life, while it was just one more trauma for the kids. But we managed to survive.
Today my children are all in their late 20s to mid 30s and I still trigger when they have their rough times in life.
In 2006 I was given a new supervisor at work. Although physically he was the polar opposite of the kid's dad I spent virtually the next 2 years shut down because of the flashbacks and the fact that just the sound of his voice would trigger me. One of the more intense episodes set off the chest pains.
At the time I "got sick" I was working 2 jobs, taking some advanced degree courses, Taking my 3 year old grandson while his mom worked on the weekends, and I worked out at the gym 5 days a week.
The doc I was going to couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain all the time and just exhausted. But if I would just eat right and exercise I'd feel better. I finally went to another doc for a second opinion, and in Jan 2010 was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
The past 4 years have felt like a nightmare. I haven't felt this out of control, lost, traumatized, and angry since my marriage to the kid's dad. Several months ago my brain threw-up on me (again a clinical term) and in one horrific night the flood gates were breached forcing me to remember things I didn't know I knew.
I am getting really good help now, and most days I do quite well. I've had a lot to process but I know that I will finally be able to truly heal.
I'm sorry for the book. I have never been brave enough to really disclose my trauma to others ( this isn't all of course, but its the biggie). But I feel safer with you all than I have in a long time. Thanx for the warm welcome. I have 2days and a wake up until I head home from staying with my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. At home I have wonky internet reception so for a time I might be online too often. But I will be back.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when my middle son who is a Marine(no longer active duty) was among the first to march into Baghdad. My PTSD is from a very abusive marriage.He abused me in every way a man can abuse a woman. I ended up in the psych ward in the local hospital twice for what was called "mental exhaustion" The first time I went into what they called a fugue state, and I have a week that I have no memory of. For years after, when things got bad I would try to make it happen upon command. Alas, I was never able to do it again.
When I finally got brave enough ( or maybe just desperate enough) to leave and stay gone, he abducted the 4 kids and disappeared. His Lawyer informed me if I didn't return to the marriage I would never see my children again. I did the one thing nobody thought me capable of -I fought back, with everything I could muster. It took me 13 months and thousands of dollars I didn't have, but I got my babies back. Only they were not the same ones he took and things were never the same.
For years I could tell you that when I felt that I couldn't protect my kids I got a little wonky (this is a clinical term, not really) For the better part of 2 decades I passed like an almost normal person with OCD.
I had never failed at anything I had attempted to do (except my marriage). 16 months after the divorce was final, the children's father passed away from congestive heart failure. It provided me with the opportunity to have a life, while it was just one more trauma for the kids. But we managed to survive.
Today my children are all in their late 20s to mid 30s and I still trigger when they have their rough times in life.
In 2006 I was given a new supervisor at work. Although physically he was the polar opposite of the kid's dad I spent virtually the next 2 years shut down because of the flashbacks and the fact that just the sound of his voice would trigger me. One of the more intense episodes set off the chest pains.
At the time I "got sick" I was working 2 jobs, taking some advanced degree courses, Taking my 3 year old grandson while his mom worked on the weekends, and I worked out at the gym 5 days a week.
The doc I was going to couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain all the time and just exhausted. But if I would just eat right and exercise I'd feel better. I finally went to another doc for a second opinion, and in Jan 2010 was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
The past 4 years have felt like a nightmare. I haven't felt this out of control, lost, traumatized, and angry since my marriage to the kid's dad. Several months ago my brain threw-up on me (again a clinical term) and in one horrific night the flood gates were breached forcing me to remember things I didn't know I knew.
I am getting really good help now, and most days I do quite well. I've had a lot to process but I know that I will finally be able to truly heal.
I'm sorry for the book. I have never been brave enough to really disclose my trauma to others ( this isn't all of course, but its the biggie). But I feel safer with you all than I have in a long time. Thanx for the warm welcome. I have 2days and a wake up until I head home from staying with my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. At home I have wonky internet reception so for a time I might be online too often. But I will be back.
