Relationship Support & Boundaries

[berry622]

Hello everyone!

I joined the forum several months back, but haven't been around much due to travelling and working in remote areas...

In early summer I broke up with my boyfriend (who is an Iraq vet), seeing that our conversations had become very circular regarding my needs of having affection returned/attempts at returning affection, and my need for some sense of stability in plans being made for our relationship - we had decided to move in together several hours from our current homes, but every few days he would slide back into questioning whether or not he wanted that, despite having recently said he definitely did want to do it.

With all the other chaos of life it just became too much for me to handle, and I knew that my needs were adding to his stress as well, so I figured it was time to give eachother space. We were both working out of cell phone range the majority of the summer, so we had plenty of alone time to process the break up and everything else going on in our lives.

I saw him yesterday for the first time since early June. I still have very strong feelings for him, and I let him know that, which led right into some of our same circular conversations. The usual trajectory is that he says that he doesn't know how he feels about anything or that he doesn't feel anything, I ask if he is okay with that or if he wants to feel more, he says he doesn't know if he can or wants to and has just decided that life sucks and he has to deal with it. This is incredibly depressing for me to hear, because I love him dearly and because I have struggled myself, and now I am watching someone lost at sea basically, and I feel like there is nothing I can do.

Yesterday, feeling that there was nothing left to lose, I brought up the possibility of therapy, or joining a group of other vets. (He has done these things in the past, right after returning home but hasn't in a long time or after some of the worst struggles arose). He expressed that he has tried therapy, but that he also feels that the way he experiences life is a punishment that he deserves, and is the only way he will ever be punished for the horrible things he has done. I of course disagree, and said all that I could to comfort him. After we talked a little more he seemed open to the idea of looking into therapy of some kind again, and we left it at that until the next time I see him (tomorrow).

My issue right now is that I am feeling really uncertain of what my role is, and what it means to offer support for where he is at right now.

The things I do know:
-I can not fix him or make him make the decision to reach out for more help
-I can not sacrifice my own needs to try to accommodate him
-It will not be helpful to pressure him into therapy if he isn't ready or willing
-I love him and am willing to spend my time and energy being there in whatever way is helpful, whether or not our relationship works out

The things I do not know:
-Was it appropriate for me to suggest therapy?
-Is it appropriate for me to look for resources to share with him, as long as he is making the ultimate decision/taking the first step?
-Is it selfish that I hold hope that him working on his PTSD could mean that someday we can have a satisfying relationship?
-Should I let go and move on for now, since he has so much on his plate? Does he need space or does he need someone who won't leave no matter how hard he is struggling?

I know this post is LONG, and if any of you take the time to read it and respond, know that I sincerely appreciate it. It is so good to know I'm not alone.

Love to you all!

 

[amethist]

Hi berry622

Oh dear you have some tough decisions to make both for you and your man, as well as more questions to ask yourself.

In answer to the things you do not know.

• Yes you were right to suggest therapy, it is a good way to go.
• You are right to look for resources that you can use and possibly you can both share. He has to make the steps to use them, if he wants to stay with you.
• It is not selfish to hope that one day you could have a good relationship.

Now for the questions you need to ask yourself.

• How will you feel if he constantly refuses to go to therapy or address his own PTSD issues.
• How will you feel if you find everything via resources that will help you both but he again refuses everything.
• How long are you prepared to wait for him to be the man he was or who you first met, as this may never happen, you may just have the man he is now.

In answer to the question should you let go and move on. Well that is up to you, but as you broke up earlier in the year because of what was going on, and it sounding like it is going back to being the same, then can you deal with it all again.

If he does go to therapy and works hard, then you will have to give him time before making that decision.

It one only you can make, but you should make it sooner rather than later. Maybe in 3 month time look at the point you both have got to, if nothing has changed, then you have your answer.

It is not going to be easy and I wish you well, which ever way it goes.

 

[berry622]

Amethist,

Thank you so much for your response. I am doing some deep questioning of myself and my needs before I head into my next conversation with him.

I think unless he takes some action towards addressing his pain and struggles the relationship will not work, and I will have to support him as a friend. If he is willing or able to try some new things and shift perspective on whether or not things can change for him, I'd want to try it again. That is where I'm at right now.

Part of where I get so lost in all of it is that I worry sometimes that I don't know the difference between a genuine lack of love for me on his part and the clouding that the PTSD does to his emotions and reasoning. He tells me that he cares about being with me a lot, and then almost in the next breath says that personal relationships don't really mean anything to him and it hasn't made a difference not being with me. It can be so frustrating to try to maintain my self-respect amidst all that confusion. I guess a big part of me really believes that he does love me and wants to be with me because of all the effort he has put in so far despite his struggles.

Thanks again Amethist, I'll definitely continue to ask myself the questions you posed and think about how my decisions will affect the both of us.

 

[ISupportHer]

Just a general response. Not directed at any one person really.

I have come to realize that the setting of boundaries is a 2 way street. I know that early on, when I was literally panicked, I did not have that awareness. I need to have some self awaremess of who I am, how I react, what my expectations are when dealing with the PTSD and issues of my wife. It's not easy at all. As a guy, I have felt it is my job to fix everyything. That sets me up for failure. What I CAN do is to try to fix myself. To be aware of my own boundaries too.

Just a comment, LOL

ISH

 

[doc leda]

I need to have some self awaremess of who I am, how I react, what my expectations are when dealing with the PTSD and issues of my wife. It's not easy at all.

I agree.