Tomorow I have an interwiew at an school to see if they consider me qualified for further studies. Thats all good.
But.....
The school where the interwiew takes place is at the area where I grew up. And the school it self is the high school I intented to go to as a youth.
Ive been avoiding this area since Ive moved out of there. To many painful memories and to many triggers. I used to go to library there as a kiddo to escape the horrendous circumstances I lived under.
And the high school I intented to go to brings back memories from when I became homeless as 16 years old.
I feel quite safe within me today.do. Still. The thought of it stirs me up. All those memories from a long life lived. And now fighting for having finally a life to live. And Im going back to were it all started.
I can still remember as it was yesterday how painful this time in my life was. Being homeless. Supporting both myself and my friend that was in the same state. How I tried to do the right thing attendting to school. But I couldnt handle since I didnt have any place to live nor food to eat or any one to care. A lost youth.
I can still remember coming to the library as a kiddo. Escaping into the world of books. Escaping from the very harsh reality. Protecting myself.
And here I am all these years after as an result of all this. Havent comed any further in my life then still being the survivor. Not yet the overcomer. If I suceed in getting into studies and getting decent work Illl be the overcomer. But until then Im barely surviving. As Ive done all these years.
I cant belive how much I survived. This young girl I was. So vunerable and so alone. Left to survive and figure out the world on her own. On the street. Took me some years to get out of that situation. Slowly. Only to have my world crumbled again cause of having contact with the toxic family. And then cutting them out realising if Im ever going to make it I must cut the ties the kills me. Mentally. All the things this young girl had to bear. I thought my life was over actually. That I didnt have any future. That this was it. Me on the street. Going from my childhood dream to studie at university and becoming professor to instreead a life as a homeless begger. I thought the family was right. I was no body. And the reason why I became homeless was because I was thrown out of home by my sister. Parents left on holidfay and we were home alone. She is older then me. And always hated me. Trying to kill me. Knifes and other things she could up with. Beating me. Maltreating in general. Until the day she threw me out with out money and without clothes. Locked the door and made sure I had now where to turn.
Going back there feels like..... going back to memory land. I have to do this. Maybe it will remind me that now - now is the time to finally fight for getting my life togheter once and for all. Remind me that this was the nightmare I was given to grow up with, but If I now dont take my life serious and work it out that nighmare is what I will end up with. And I dont want that. So help me God and all mighty forces to once and for all move forward. Out of the darkness and into the light.
Im anxious to go there tomorow.....
But.....
The school where the interwiew takes place is at the area where I grew up. And the school it self is the high school I intented to go to as a youth.
Ive been avoiding this area since Ive moved out of there. To many painful memories and to many triggers. I used to go to library there as a kiddo to escape the horrendous circumstances I lived under.
And the high school I intented to go to brings back memories from when I became homeless as 16 years old.
I feel quite safe within me today.do. Still. The thought of it stirs me up. All those memories from a long life lived. And now fighting for having finally a life to live. And Im going back to were it all started.
I can still remember as it was yesterday how painful this time in my life was. Being homeless. Supporting both myself and my friend that was in the same state. How I tried to do the right thing attendting to school. But I couldnt handle since I didnt have any place to live nor food to eat or any one to care. A lost youth.
I can still remember coming to the library as a kiddo. Escaping into the world of books. Escaping from the very harsh reality. Protecting myself.
And here I am all these years after as an result of all this. Havent comed any further in my life then still being the survivor. Not yet the overcomer. If I suceed in getting into studies and getting decent work Illl be the overcomer. But until then Im barely surviving. As Ive done all these years.
I cant belive how much I survived. This young girl I was. So vunerable and so alone. Left to survive and figure out the world on her own. On the street. Took me some years to get out of that situation. Slowly. Only to have my world crumbled again cause of having contact with the toxic family. And then cutting them out realising if Im ever going to make it I must cut the ties the kills me. Mentally. All the things this young girl had to bear. I thought my life was over actually. That I didnt have any future. That this was it. Me on the street. Going from my childhood dream to studie at university and becoming professor to instreead a life as a homeless begger. I thought the family was right. I was no body. And the reason why I became homeless was because I was thrown out of home by my sister. Parents left on holidfay and we were home alone. She is older then me. And always hated me. Trying to kill me. Knifes and other things she could up with. Beating me. Maltreating in general. Until the day she threw me out with out money and without clothes. Locked the door and made sure I had now where to turn.
Going back there feels like..... going back to memory land. I have to do this. Maybe it will remind me that now - now is the time to finally fight for getting my life togheter once and for all. Remind me that this was the nightmare I was given to grow up with, but If I now dont take my life serious and work it out that nighmare is what I will end up with. And I dont want that. So help me God and all mighty forces to once and for all move forward. Out of the darkness and into the light.
Im anxious to go there tomorow.....
