Relationship Support Seeking Advice About A Combat Veteran I Am Interested In Who Isolates

[meowmix1]

I am new and joined because I have developed strong feelings for a veteran who I know has PTSD. I found this out "through the grapevine." He does not know I have a history of PTSD, as well. I have had a lot of very good treatment for PTSD and I am doing very well. I suspect he does like me but he does not ask me out. Doesn't hint at having feelings for me. It's just body language and call it my intuition. I know that he is pretty isolated. Doesn't have many friends. I am just trying to gain insight into what might be going on on his head? It's a bit hard as a person who gravitates towards relationships to understand why, if in fact he does like me, he wouldn't pursue. Isn't it the male instinct to do so? I know that I am seeing this only through my own lenses so it would be very helpful to gain a better understanding of what makes him not go towards the support and comfort of a potential relationship. More info than I feel I should put here put he knows that I have a strong capacity for compassion. I am just so sad that PTSD could be preventing a potentially very good thing.

 

[Justmehere]

I think instead of trying to get into his head so much... maybe it would be important to look at why you feel so drawn to a man who may like you, but isn't able at this time to really freely express feelings and is so shut down and isolates so much.

Trauma survivors are sometimes drawn to people who are "unavailable" for close health intimate relationships. It's a subtle way the trauma survivor is either avoiding relationship with those who might be able to be more emotionally intimate which can seem scary, or it can be a very subtle and small way the survivor is reenacting past relationships where someone was unavailable or even abandoning.

None of this is to say that something is wrong with you, and none of this is to say that he is not an amazing guy. It's important to really look at why we are drawn to the people we are drawn towards before we keep diving deeper.

If I am totally off the map, and none of this applies for you, then please disregard. :)

 

[meowmix1]

Thanks so much for the reply. I actually considered including in my post that I have considered all of the issues you mentioned. I don't think that is it. However, I do appreciate your response. I just really like this person who, when I am with him, is very kind and sweet amongst other things. I have done many years of therapy and don't feel my issues from the past are "steering the ship" so to speak. Of course, there may always be a certain part of a person with such a background that will find others with the same. I just try to remain aware. So yeah, just trying to understand.

 

[Peach]

Everyone is different, of course, but for my relationship, the short answer is that he is scared. He moves slower than molasses. Because of the PTSD and simply because he has been with several abusive women, he doesn't look back on his past partners in a fond light. He doesn't want to find himself in another bad situation.

As for the PTSD, I'm sure you're more aware than I am about the inability to picture any sort of future, let alone a happy one, and even the idea of changing his life so drastically causes his stress to spike.

He also has low self esteem and pictures himself as a raging monster. He absolutely is not, but that's his opinion. So several times he's given me the "you can do better than me" line.

I'm in this for the long game and I know it. If I try to move things forward too quickly, it actually sets us back. I have accidentally come on too strong before and it took him a over a month to calm down again.

Sounds like your guy may have the same thing going on. You're looking at him as a "normal, healthy" man, but you can't assume he is going to take the lead even if he is interested. Or if he did, it could take much longer than a month. So, my advice is for you to just keep hanging out and building the friendship, slowly start doing more and more together. Making yourself vulnerable by telling him about your PTSD may make him much more comfortable and really get some communication going. Or you could ask him out if you feel that would get you favorable results, but do so in a gentle way, don't be too intense or tell him you're madly in love. He could run for the hills.

Good luck!

 

[scout86]

the support and comfort of a potential relationship.

Everyone doesn't associate "support and comfort" with "relationship". I suppose there's a chance a relationship might offer comfort and support. It also offers complications, expectations to be met, and a huge variety of ways a person can fail and disappoint someone they've let become important to them.