Support Structure Support From Me?

[Nativia]

Telling other people about your PTSD is much more of a commitment than I ever thought it could be. After all, I wasn't born with the condition, I lived a very successful 32 years without it, and I didn't do anything wrong to bring it into my life. I would have thought that people would be at least sympathetic, but hopefully, understanding as well. I would have hoped that those who knew of my struggles with this illness would stand by me, encourage me, and help me when things became overwhelming. Sadly, it doesn't always work out the way we think it should...the way that it ought to.

I need to be very careful not to tell people around me of my situation "out of guilt" because I know they won't understand my difficult days. I also can't tell people because I NEED them to "prop me up" on those difficult days.

It seems that no matter how much we are loved by the people around us, they will never understand what goes on beneath our shields. I have to learn how to get through these times on my own volition. People will always come and go from my life; regardless of PTSD...this is normal life!! I need to get to a place where I am just as alright in the absence of their daily support and kindnesses as I am when they are there to ride me through it.

Finally, I think that this will also be a favor that I do for them. The strangle-hold that I have put on the most important people in my life has caused me to lose them sometimes. The more self-reliant I can be, while garnering wonderful support from those around me, is my gift to them, and a statement of how important their relationships are to me.

 

[The Albatross]

Bravo, and some good realizations. Autonomy, self nurturing/parenting, and resilience are the three things I've been working on for quite some time. Mixed results... but generally favorable. I do see cultivating a sense of self management as a favor I'm doing for those who love or interact with me most as a favor. A mutual favor... it benefits us all.

 

[Nativia]

It has "only" taken me more than thirteen years to get to the place of writing this. I used to tell everyone who came into my life about what happened to me, because to my thinking, during and after seven years of CBT, I didn't have anything to be ashamed of with regard to the EVENTS. They weren't my fault!!

Now still living with PTSD, I am starting to grapple with the larger picture of "what is my life going to be like if I continue as I am". More and more and more traumas to follow the one that started it all.

As can be expected, fear begets fear! I am afraid again, but this time it is about my future. (shaking head!)

I'm tired of apologizing to family, friends and myself. I'm tired of being referred to as "crazy" by those who do not understand it, and have largely not even seen it. I want to be okay with myself again really. More so than anything else in the world...I NEED to be okay with myself again.

 

[The Albatross]

Valerie Glasco,

I know I have evidence that supports more traumas that did follow the ones that started it all. But conversely, I am in boot camp for adversity training. I have not had a new trauma for about 5 years. For me that is a personal victory. Two weapons against fear: time and consistency. I personally use the P's: Practice, patience, persistence, and perseverance the optional 5th "P" is prayer.

What evidence do you have that about what life is going to be if you continue to be as you are? For myself, healthy fear was consequence avoidance, and my life isn't worse, it's better for it. I didn't want the sting of consequences, and I used the motivation of healthy fear to drive me past where I was uncomfortable and/or stuck.

 

[Eleanor]

they will never understand what goes on beneath our shields.

And that is their handicap.

"Normal" isn't, so far as I can tell.

 

[Nativia]

I keep living the PTSD "Protocol" of being afraid to leave the house, afraid of crowds, any trigger sets into motion the normal losing myself to emotions which starts the physical illnesses such as IBS, then I end up in the familiar fetal position in bed for several days to a week. I hate myself that I can't pull through it on my own. I don't know what any doctor can do or say. I've given it to God about a million times, and I always take my medicine as prescribed. Go Me, right??!! (Sigh!)

The good news is that I am VERY tough and strong. I was always a very happy-go-lucky kind of person. I am smart, and know how to scold myself into submission, many times!! (Not always good for me, but.... lolol!) I think that for as tired as I get with myself, how can I expect my support structure to feel any differently. I have to start giving them better reason to believe in me. If I can't fight for me, maybe I can fight tougher for them. Maybe?

PTSD is their handicap to be sure. Normal is my "Familiar", but no longer my true way of life. I do wish I could have it back!!

 

[Toranoko]

The problem is that they have nothing to build a mental model out of. I can hear that whenever someone uses the old familiar phrase "they just need to suck it up!".

To be politically incorrect, it's kinda like PMS. As a Man I really have nothing similar (as far as I know) to build a model of "what it's like". No matter how compassionate/concerned I may be, it doesn't really "connect".

Eventually you learn how to ... "feel" who has had enough experiences that they can "get it". And you tell them.

Right now I work on a military base, and it's great. About half the military folks on the floor have PTSD; those that don't are well aware of Trauma and can understand all too well. I kinda feel guilty about being happy about that; but it's much better ... to know that someone else "gets it" lowers my feelings of alienation.

*shrugs*

 

[Toranoko]

"Normal" isn't, so far as I can tell.

The old Adams Family quote: "Normal is an illusion. What's normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly."

 

[Nativia]

Oh my! I soooooo wish I was a veteran or military service member! (God love you all, and thank you for your service!!!!)

I live in a world that watches the insanity of the nightly news, but feels nothing for the fact that the victims DO survive. Maybe not as they once did...but we are still alive, right?! I've heard that I am wasting "the essence of my survival" by living with PTSD. I'm sorry, but that just insults the crap outta me!! Did I ask for this???? Do I enjoy any aspect of this???? Did I at any point CHOOSE this????

We all know that kind of "support" is what comes from people who just want to light a fire under our butts...wake us up, or whatever. I am wide awake, and it hasn't been pretty for 13 years. The people I love who I am trying not to lose are not like that. They are understanding and forgiving to a fault. They want the best for me, and hurt when I hurt. I just need to figure out a new way to proceed so that we can all be happy. Does that make sense?

 

[Promicarus]

"You know, I think you like feeling bad". Do you know how often I've heard that? I've lost count. How could anything be more insulting? Of course, there are some things that are, but this ranks pretty high--being told you're "wallowing", in other words...the same statement of "you just need to such it up", but couched in terms of a supposedly innocent, helpful observation.

Or even more often, just at looking at me "Something really bad happened to you, didn't it?...What was it?". As though rubbernecking at a roadside accident, seeking only a moment's diversion.

The sad fact is that many find any way possible to kick others when they're down, for the power rush. I've learned to "see" these people for that urge, and to identify it as a sad weakness--a spiritual malady on their part. And it's actually worked for the good--to have someone say something intentionally injurious, then move in close to see what they expect to be a look of pain, or defeat, and to see instead someone simply smiling back at them, eyes wide, not downcast, holding their own--and looking sincerely loving and sympathetic towards them for such a terrible flaw. It seems to shock them, and send them running. They know they've been "made", so to speak--by someone who isn't hurt by them, but FOR them. Many have said, in stymied shock, with mouths open..."who are you?"

It seems hard for the average person to understand pain in any other terms other than the enjoyment, the "win" of inflicting it on someone else. I value my pain for teaching me otherwise. Pain carves caverns in heart which we choose to echo with the emptiness of fear and viciousness...or which we can choose to fill, one drip at a time, with love, through a determination toward patience, kindness, and sympathy.

I wish I could say I'm still able to do that, at this point. This was, rather, a place I reached after never having known anything like "Normal", nothing but pain and fear from earliest recollection. It was my way of fighting back, of rising above, so as to not "stoop to such lowliness". And it was comfort-knowing in my heart of hearts that I was sincerely the genuinely best I could be, to everyone.

But as has been mentioned, we tend to be re-traumatized. And I was repeatedly and severely. And now that's not so easy for me, in all honesty.


@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/valerie-glasco.23055/"]Valerie Glasco[/DLMURL]
Thank you for your posts. I need to be reminded of just the things you've mentioned--and doing it for others, rather than for myself is, I believe, at the core of being "truly good"...and that that is the surest "way out"...if only eventually.

Of course I have to practice self-care, as well. But that's the paradox--one of the greatest forms of self-care there is, is to genuinely care for others. You sound as though you have a very firm grip on that, and have come along way.

More traditional cultures have a quality known as "noble sadness", which is notably absent from such a competitive culture as the current prevailing U.S. model. To paraphrase, noble sadness is the idea of opening one's heart to another to show one's sensitivity towards how far life is from the ideal--as a means of bonding with another, by demonstrating the depth of your sensitivity, therefore nobility. Wish we had more, here.

And there is something noble about sensitivity, even about the ability to be sad over things---because when people are sad, they reach out to each other, they open their hearts to another. And real trust comes from that--from exposing your neck, and not being bitten, when the other has that opportunity, but being touched in kindness, instead.

So glad trauma-related disorders are becoming more well-known, less in the shadows, and discriminated against--at least gradually.

And so glad for forums like this, and people like you who remind me that there are others who are genuinely kind, and wish and work for the best for others.

 

[Nativia]

being told you're "wallowing", in other words...the same statement of "you just need to such it up", but couched in terms of a supposedly innocent, helpful observation.

@Promicarus
PTSD does not discriminate between the sensitive and the non-sensitive. Noble sadness, however is rare but so often feigned by those who gather around calamity. Empathy is what I carry in my heart for others, and what I wish others would demonstrate to me.
Empathy = Noble Sadness???

 

[Nativia]

@Albatross
I don't try to avoid "consequences" per se. I just try to avoid humiliating myself. One of the ways I humiliate myself is through "pressured speech." I don't allow anyone to get a word in edgewise, and I don't always say what I really mean because I'm just talking without thinking anything through really. Another way I hurt myself is by drinking when I get triggered. I normally don't drink, but when I get pushed up against a wall I will turn to alcohol and act the jerk that way, usually in combination with pressured speech. Finally, I cocoon. I wrap up in a blanket in my bed, wishing I were dead and avoid all interactions with anyone. This is usually my lowest low.

I can't work anymore. I can't go out with friends. I can't date. I can't go out alone. I won't let myself spend money on myself. I can't eat, I'm on a diet. I can't do any of my old hobbies, because I'm no longer interested. So... there I am.

Like my Aunt Debra says, "Nothing changes 'til something changes." She also says, "You can't follow a parked car." I need to fix this or continue to hate life, hate myself, and blame the world. What would be the point of that? I really do remember myself as being better than this.