General Supporter

[Steveareeno]

My wife suffers from PTSD because of childhood sexual abuse, sexual abuse as an adult, and abandonment. For years I looked at her symptoms with a "get over it already" view.

As each year went by I became more detached from her until I was on the verge of leaving her because she was abusing alcohol so bad. I walked out of the house and was determined to divorce, then I remembered my 8-year-old (at the time) daughter and turned around.

After that episode I became very apologetic to my wife like I had done something wrong. As the months went by the alcohol abuse continued, then I discovered she was have an affair. When I found out, I confronted her and the guy she was seeing. He immediately backed off and didn't want anything to do with her. My wife was distraught because she thought I was going to leave her. She recommitted herself to me and our marriage and promised she'd get help.

The drinking didn't get better though, and the help was never sought.

Well, she recently tried to commit suicide for the second time in about eight years. After the episode, her best friend told her mom and we all confronted her. She finally agreed to get help, probably for the first time. She has now been in therapy for about three weeks. In the mean time, she continues to drink and smoke pot. Twice I found out she was hiding hard alcohol. I already knew she was anyway because I can tell when she has been drinking and about how much. Anyway, I am trying to be supportive and not to critical of her. I have confronted her about her drinking and how it is impacting all of us, and now my 9 year old is sensing something is wrong with her too.

To cut to the chase, I don't know if am doing things right. Sometimes I can be a little judgmental and critical. My main question is how much of her alcohol abuse should I tolerate, how should I react when it happens, what should I say to her afterwards so I don't discourage her, and how flexible should I be since she is so early on in the treatment? I don't want to push her too hard so she stops treatment altogether. She can be so stubborn some times, even if her stubborness hurts her.

Btw, her therapist is going to try EMDR when she feels my wife is ready.


Thanks.

 

[sisu]

Hello Steveareeno,

Welcome! You wife is lucky to have a supporter like you. I hope she realizes this - if not now, someday.

As far as the your question about whether you are doing the right thing or not.....honestly, I don't know. It sounds like your wife needs lots of therapy. Drugs and alcohol are depressants and only mask the pain for short periods of time - they don't make the pain go away. I would continue to encourage her therapy and hopefully when she is in a better frame of mind, you can talk about getting her the help she needs to quit drinking and drugs too. Therapy is so necessary if she ever wants to better manage her PTSD. You can only encourage her - it still has to be her choice. If the environment ever becomes unsafe for you or your child, then she needs to go until she is ready to get the help. Just because one person is ill doesn't mean the rest have to live a life of ill. You and your 9 year old are very important.

I think I've rambled - not even sure if I'm making sense. Hopefully someone else will have better advice. Please take care of yourself and your child!

Sisu

 

[Steveareeno]

I thought I would follow up on my wife's condition. The alcohol abuse got much worse. She even fell and broke her wrist. I confronted her from a standpoint that I couldn't tell her what to do, but that didn't mean I had to subject myself to her alcoholism anymore. I told her if she didn't seek help that she would have to leave. I couldn't tolerate her drinking to the point of blacking out multiple times a week any more. Well, tomorrow she will have completed a 30 day alcohol treatment (12 step) program and from what the staff tells me, she has done superb.

The place she stayed was incredible. They had an award winning chef, surrounded by walking trails, nice accommodations, wonderful staff (most whom were recovering alcoholics who have volunteered their time), a rock-solid 12 step program which included classroom and small group discussions, meditation, and all at a cost of $5,000. It was non-clinical (and a non profit), but much cheaper than the 20,000 I was quoted from the clinic environment. I would also add the place was far less threatening and sterile than a clinical environment. For my wife, this place was a perfect fit. Also, as a part of the program she attended, I get to go for a 4 day stay at the same place to an Al-anon style program to learn more about the disease and how we can manage it together. Finally, my 9 year old daughter is going to an over night camp as a part of the program to learn about the disease. They get to stay in a cabin, go swimming, and they even have a rock climbing wall.

If anyone is interested, the place is called the Retreat in Wayzata MN.

She will also be going back to her therapist who is going to move her into EMDR now that she is out of treatment. With AA, her sponsor, therapist, and psychologist, and the ongoing support of the Retreat, she has a lot of resources to help her through this.

I have no illusions that there won't be difficult times ahead, but this is such a HUGE step forward for her. Until the alcohol abuse was dealt with, the therapy was not going to go anywhere and she was not going to get better. There was just no way it was going to happen and I talked with quite a few mental health professionals. To me, the alcohol was the elephant in the room and it was the thing that was going to destroy her.

So, my advice to anyone who is a supporter of a loved one with PTSD and alcoholism, do everything you can to get them into treatment first. Find a place that suits their personality. For my wife, the retreat offered a very non-threatening environment with a spiritual perspective and staff that really seemed to care. If you are able to get them to agree to go, be as supportive through the process as you can be. The 30 days for me was very difficult. My wife was a stay-at-home mom and we had no day care, I am the sole income for the family, and I am also going to school full-time. It was brutal but I feel it was well worth it.

 

[Nicolette]

You both should be proud Steveareeno!!

 

[amethist]

Oh well done your wife Steveareeno.

I know how hard it is for them to get of the alcohol, as my husband had to do a 10 day detox and then 9 weeks at a day unit.

He still has minor issues with alcohol, and I do mean minor, but can now have a couple in a social setting, 4 years down the line.

Good for you encouraging her to do this and supporting her all the way. it wont be easy going forward, but it can be done.

 

[Steveareeno]

Thanks all! If I remember and find the time, I'll pop in and give an update. Maybe someone can find it helpful, though I am learning as I am going. :)

 

[Ali1157]

YAY! good for you guys!

I got out of treatment for PTSD, depression and alcoholism this summer. Right getting out of treatment I felt ready to take on the world. But I soon realized that whatever I did in rehab was nothing compared to the real world. "The real world is the real work", I would say. Im not saying this to you to be a stick in the mud but to stress how important to encourage her to stick to the routine and tools she will have learnt. which im sure you already know but from one alcoholic getting out of rehab to another i cant stress how much they are crucial!!!

Other than that, the world is your oyster. This is a beautiful fresh start for you guys, take it all for it can offer! and good luck! She is lucky to have a great support like you. Keep up the great work.