Surely Mentors Are Supposed To Be Supportive?

[lifeguard17]

I'm gobsmacked at what I just had to go through. Literally cannot process it! :mad: In the last month and a half I've missed an awful lot of lectures, so I made appointments with all my tutors to explain why and find out how I can make sure I don't miss out on too much even if I'm not in class.

My first tutor, Susan, couldn't comprehend what I was telling her, I wasn't getting through, so I said "Simply, all I need is for you to tell me the essay structure and reponse paper structures so I can email you my drafts, and if you could give me feedback via email I'd be very grateful." She finally understood and agreed, but now looks at me weirdly. Nothing I can't deal with, I'm a little disappointed she wasn't more willing to accept what I was telling her, but never mind.

My second tutor, Lis, (who I adore as she is the perfect teacher) was amazing. She listened quietly, then when I had finished, asked me if I was worried about myself. When I said I wasn't, this is something I've gone through a hundred times before and expect to go through another thousand, she nodded, and then asked me what I needed from her. "I won't tell you you can talk to me if you need to, because you know you can, but I realise you may not feel able to." I literally love this woman, she said it perfectly.

I was feeling pretty positive when I went to my last tutor this morning, Susanne. I've missed the most of her lectures, and her class has a pretty high drop-out rate, there's never been a full class for her because she is just a bad teacher. She listened quietly while I went through my little monologue, then paused. Then she let rip. Paraphrasing, (I won't let myself remember her exact words) she asked me what the h*** I thought I was playing at, trying to get an extension by pretending to have a fake problem that only soldiers get, that it was a despicable thing to do, she thought I was better than that.

I am just in shock. Let me be clear, I never ONCE asked for an extension on any of my assignments, I still have two weeks left minimum on all of them and I'm not worried about missing any of my deadlines at all. I can't finish now, I'm too.... you know.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

I couldn't calm down enough to explain, I just stood up and quietly left. I'm proud I managed to leave without screaming or crying, but it must look very odd that she asks me what I have to say for myself and I pick up my bag and leave. I'm planning to email her in a few days explaining my actions and asking for another appointment where I can explain properly what I'm going through. I just can't believe it. :(

 

[The Albatross]

I actually had a psych teacher refuse to let me drop his class a week after the drop/add period when I explained I had been missing classes to go to rape crisis therapy. At 27 I had been a victim of sexual assalt and rape by a stranger the 2nd week I had started the semester. I took the incomplete but never went back to college.

The third mentor's comment, if she thinks PTSD is "only" something soldiers "get" and that others are "faking" it, then it's just ignorance. I might vent off some steam and draft a letter to her supervisor... taking care to revise it several times over and hold it in reserve, but I might also be inclined to rise to the occasion and get a good case of righteous indignation and use the anger adrenaline to bust my chops on the assignments. I certainly wouldn't want to go back in there without a third party present. You are more willing that I would be in that department Lifeguard.

Sorry that this happened to you, shake it off as best as you can... two out of three isn't bad odds. But I can understand why this would shake you up.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Lifeguard 17,

The Albatross is absolutely correct! I am darned (near) ashamed at the fact that when I was younger I said similar things as your mentor did. The fact is, a person who has not had a traumatic experience or has not been in support of a person going through it has not gained the insight of the reality of what PTSD actually is. It is most commonly associated with war veterans, because that is what the media, movies, and books have insinuated indirectly and innocently. It does lead to a lot of misinformed people, who believe that this is a condition suffered by only war veterans.

If I knew then what I know now!

One approach is to look at your situation- forget what she said. It is no consolation, but be thankful that there are still some people out there who have had such easy lives that they can remain ignorant. I wish I still was. And then come here, let this community remind you that you do not need her validation. You do need her mentoring. Maybe you can sit with her, and explain what you went through and send her our way so that she might understand, as a supporter. Or maybe you can find another mentor?

Many, many hugs to you. Don't let it pull you away from what you want to achieve both with your education and your progress with PTSD.

SimpleGirl

<Please place a full line space between each paragraph. Thanks Amethist>

 

[lifeguard17]

Thanks Albatross, I hadn't thought of taking a third person along, that's a really good idea. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to face her again, I thought she was an okay woman before, dull but basically good. Now, I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back to class again, the thought freaks the s*** out of me!

be thankful that there are still some people out there who have had such easy lives that they can remain ignorant

I suppose I can see a positive thought there if I dislocate my brain a little! Thanks SimpleGirl

Part of me, the little voice that tells me it's unfair to shout at my flatmates and shut my friends out, tells me that I can understand where she is coming from, I know it must look odd for me to miss half the lectures then tell her I have a mental problem, part of me can logically accept that.

However, this sensible voice in my head is also telling me that she was out of line. Even if she doesn't know anything about PTSD, that doesn't mean she can tell me I'm faking it, or accuse me of trying to get an extension. I can't believe that she is allowed to be a mentor, I have friends in uni with similar problems and our mentors are supposed to support and guide us through the courses. If she said these things to me, what has she said to other students? And surely one of them will have reported her in the past, because God knows she's old enough to have been here since the dinosaurs! I exaggerate, but still. Albatross, I think you're right about writing up the ladder, I'm going to draft a letter before I email her, but I won't send it until I am able to see her again.

But the larger, louder part of my brain is screaming wordlessly curled up in the foetal position. I can't believe I was attacked for asking for help specifically tailored to my learning needs.

 

[lifeguard17]

I went back to see her today. I took your advice Albatross, and asked one of my tutors from last year, Fiona, to join me.

I started by apologising for walking out last time, and explaining why I had. I told her that I'd been very hurt by what she had said to me, and that I didn't think she had understood what I was trying to tell her. I asked her to wait to ask questions until I'd finished, and that I didn't mind answering questions today but I hate being blindsided by questions whenever they occur to someone.

I explained that I'd been diagnosed with PTSD when I was 17, and how drastically my life and my personality had changed because of it. I told her how it affected my school work and school life, told her how social situations freak the s*** out of me and my triggers affecting me instantly no matter where I am or who I'm with. I told her everything about my past experiences of PTSD and education, so much more than I usually tell my tutors, I just wanted to make sure she understood.

I explained what PTSD was, and said, "With the greatest respect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a real disorder that stems from any traumatic event, not just soldiers. Mine happens to stem from helping with a man who came off his bike a month before my 17th birthday. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's enough to cause PTSD. I am aware that many people don't think it is a real problem, that it just happens to weak soldiers, but that is not true. I don't mean to tell what you to do, God knows I don't want to insult you or tell you what to do, but you may find it helpful to research mental disorders, because I know I'm not the only person on my course with PTSD. I'm sorry if that offends you."

I then told her that I was sorry if she had misunderstood me at our last meeting (I'm not, I don't care how if she feels insulted by me, but that's not polite. Curse my British politeness!) and said I was most definitely NOT asking for an extension at all, I didn't feel I'd need one as I still have 2 weeks to go, plenty of time. I said what I needed from her was email answers rather than asking in the seminars. The main point is, she said at the beginning of term, if we emailed her drafts, she would give feedback, all I wanted was to know she would do that for me, and to explain why I turn up to so few lectures. (I neglected to mention that part of the reason is that she is a crap teacher, she doesn't need to know that!) All I want from her is some understanding, for her not to berate me for missing lectures as long as I am still doing the readings and get my final project in on time. I said, if she wanted proof that I was doing the work rather than just skiving to avoid doing the (boring) reading she sets, I was more than happy to email her my notes every week to show I had read and understood every (stupid, irrelevant) article.

Susanne didn't say anything to begin with. She and Fiona just looked at me as I talked, and then looked at each other once I'd finished. She started by apologising if she had upset me (If? What do you mean IF?) by what she had said last time, and saying that if I emailed her my drafts she would of course take a look and reply with suggestions as she would with any other student.

I thanked her for this, as that is the main reason for my asking to see her last time. But then she carried on talking.

"However, I will not accept your supposed PTSD as a reason for missing my lectures, as I do not believe you have this made up disorder. You are too young to suffer from it, and whenever I see you in the cafe you are smiling and talking with your friends, you clearly think that a few nightmares mean you have a mental disorder. I'm sorry if that offends you but that is my personal view on the matter and you will not change my mind." The disgust in her voice just floored me. I didn't know what to say, and was having a hard time staying there, my brain was just firing cylinders randomly and I couldn't think fast enough for the conversation.

Fiona very quietly asked me if there was anything else I wanted to say, and I managed to say no, so she thanked Susanne for her time, pulled me upright and guided me out. She took me into her office, gave me a can of diet coke and asked if I was alright. She suggested I might like to write to the head of Drama about this incident, because "It seems to me that she was a little out of line in the way she handled it all." Fiona was clearly not impressed by Susanne's reactions to me, but at least I have an ally on staff with Fiona, she said she will write an accompanying letter and co-sign mine.

This whole thing has exhausted me. I'm dreading class next week (I can't go this Friday because of a family funeral) because I don't know how she's going to react to me. I know she has to be professional and not treat me any differently, but I don't think she will.

Bleurgh. I'm exhausted by the whole thing, and disillusioned. I thought tutors had to be professional no matter what happened, and not let their personal feelings affect how they treat their students. :cry:

 

[The Albatross]

(((Lifeguard))) you got two thirds of what you asked for... assurance that she'll respond to emails and validation, even though not from Susanne... but by Fiona, that what you experiences "wasn't quite right"... YOU though did an amazing thing, and handled yourself beautifully. Exhaustion? Yeah, I bet... but you were able to clear away the perceptions, stick to the issue at hand, vocalize and communicate ... and she, well clearly she has an opinion. What of it? An opinion and a buck will get you a cup of coffee, everybody has one.

Focus on Fiona's validation of the meeting, and then it's up to you if you would like to continue to pursue it. Either way, you are free and clear to have a reasonable expectation of email responses to complete your course... and YOU are not responsible for her reactions, she is. You are only responsible for your own. (((Well done!!! Give yourself a hug, a pat on the back, and way to walk through a stressful situation)))

 

[lifeguard17]

Thanks Albatross, it's nice to hear that! The whole thing just has gotten me so down, I can't believe she could say things like that. It bums me out even more that she teaches the Shakespeare module next year, unless I can get a guarantee I won't be taught by her, I don't think I can do it, which really sucks.

I'm proud of the way I dealt with it, but this has to be the worst result of me telling someone about my PTSD ever, I think I'm going to find it very hard next time someone needs to know about me.

 

[The Albatross]

Focus on the 2/3's success and remember going forward, her reactions/opinions aren't representative of anyone elses... they belong solely to her.

 

[lifeguard17]

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW UNPROFESSIONAL THIS WOMAN IS! :mad:We had a group tutorial today with one of my lecturers, and he held me back and asked me how I was coping. I was confused and said I was fine, and he said Susanne had told him what I had told her!

Totally blindsided by this! I just stared at him, couldn't think what to say, when my friend asked him who else Susanne had told. SHE HAS TOLD THE WHOLE DRAMA DEPARTMENT! Tutors who don't know me now know all my problems, more than any of them ever needed to know! What is this woman on?

Walking through campus today I saw most of the Drama staff, and I don't think I'm exaggerrating when I say they were looking at me weirdly. I tried to tell myself I was being paranoid, but when the Riots lecturer watched me buy a hot chocolate and walk across the cafe, I couldn't help myself and had to get the hell out of there before I broke down completely.

I'm not ready to think carefully and calmly enough to write a complaint letter yet. I'm just so shocked by the whole thing, and so hurt. I don't understand why she would do something like this, I'm just so beaten down by the whole thing, it's just made me so miserable. :cry:

 

[starryari]

I'm so so so sorry that this has happened to you. At my university, I'm lucky to have made contacts with the Deans. When my PTSD started affecting my studies, I asked to meet with one of the Deans and asked for her to help explain to my problem to my professors. Do you know anyone higher up or have any way of contacting anyone higher up? Her behavior as a tutor needs to be dealt with. I certainly think this is at least enough for a very strong slap on the wrist from the administration, if not something worse. Drink a cup of tea (it always calms me down when my problems start getting to me) and then look into your options. Best of luck. (:

 

[lifeguard17]

I actually have no clue who is head of Drama, but I'm sure it won't be hard to find out. Thanks starry, I think that may be a better way of going about it in the future. I won't have a cup of tea though, can't stand the stuff! And I speak as one who grew up in a house of tea-addicts, my mum has to have at least 2 cups before she can get out of bed! But I am buying a luxury hot chocolate when I get back onto campus! :)

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Does your university not have a disabilities services coordinator? Most universities have an office dedicated to protecting students with disabilities.

I have been through the process of requesting accommodation at my own school and it goes like this: You do NOT have to disclose your diagnosis to professors. Instead, you go to the disabilities coordinator with your medical paperwork and he/she discusses your needs with you. Then he/she writes letters to the appropriate personnel, only revealing what you agreed to reveal, requesting accommodations. The professors simply get a letter listing the accommodations you may need, certifying that you do indeed have a condition that impairs your performance. Everything is kept confidential and nothing is released to your professors without your permission. At my school professors actually refuse to grant accommodations without having received a letter from the disabilities coordinator first.

To put it simply, the disabilities coordinator is a keeper of secrets and only reveals to the professors what they absolutely need to know. It's A versus B:

A) "Student has documented medical condition and may require 45 minute extension to exam periods, and should be excused from class on Monday mornings. Sincerely, Disabilities Coordinator"

B) "I have PTSD and need to go to therapy on Monday mornings so I'll have to miss class, also I am a slow test taker. Please believe me... I'm not lying to you, I swear!!! And don't judge me for my PTSD. And don't tell anybody else either okay? Don't believe me? Here's a slew of gory details to prove to you how disturbed I really am!!!"

To anybody reading this, please, please, please go through your school's disability office rather than telling your classmates/professors/etc. directly about your diagnosis.

If you do not follow your school's paperwork policy in order to request accommodations, nobody is under any official obligation to accommodate you. Furthermore, it is unfair for a professor to grant accommodations to a student who doesn't provide the appropriate paperwork (how are they supposed to know you're not just making it up?).

As far as I know (based on this thread), while she may not be tactful and that IS a problem, your instructor is under no legal obligation to believe you or accommodate you. What hard evidence of your condition have you provided to your institution? Have you provided a letter from a doctor? Medical bills with a dx code? Do you have a letter from the disabilities coordinator to provide to your teacher?

Final point: One of the toughest lessons that those of us with PTSD have to learn is when to keep our stories to ourselves and when to open up. I am of the opinion that college professors/instructors are not to be burdened with knowledge of our specific ailments.

Telling anybody about our traumas or PTSD diagnosis puts an instant weight on their shoulders.

You know that feeling when you know a really juicy piece of news or gossip that you aren't supposed to share and how much mental energy it takes to keep it to yourself? When you tell somebody your traumas you not only risk traumatizing them by proxy, but you also challenge them to suspend judgment upon you, remain tactful, AND keep a secret. That's a lot of weight and obligation to throw on somebody, especially somebody who is a professional/academic contact. She obviously failed at all three of those things (remain tactful, suspend judgment, keep a secret) and at least now you know not to trust her.

Your instructor definitely needs to improve her professionalism, but being understanding about your PTSD is not her job. You expected her to act professionally even though you yourself had crossed the boundaries of professionalism by giving her that information. This is why disability coordinators exist; they bridge the gap and help you get your needs met without having to expose your condition to others.

Please, please, please find out about your school's disabilities services department!

It sounds like this is a really tough time for you right now and I am keeping you in my thoughts!