Survivors Guilt???

[cass84]

Does anyone here suffer guilt from surviving a traumatic event??? Im at a loss here..please get in touch. No one really understands it x

 

[Barconian]

Why don't they understand it?

 

[Echo]

Hi @cass84 - welcome to the forum. You'll find this a friendly place with lots of information in the threads and articles.

Many of us sufferers certainly feel guilt (though it is never justified, but can't be helped initially, though hopefully will be in therapy). Are you referring to the guilt a rape or abuse victim feels or do you mean the guilt felt by someone who survives something when others don't (such as the guilt often felt by Holocaust survivors)? There is a lot of research on both, so it is a shame you have people in your life who don't understand, or are not willing to comprehend.

I hope you find lots of support here anyway.

 

[It's all my fault]

@cass84 as you can see by my name I must understand . I keep wanting to change my name but I can't and won't. I would say 75% of my mental health issues are from exactly that....survivors guilt. I thought someone had to die to have this but I guess not. I've said for 40 years my middle name is "I'm sorry" and never even realized this may be a problem until very recently. No, no one died even though I pray I will. I witnessed my siblings physical abuse by the "monster" aka my dad repeatedly over many years. I witnessed his emotional abuse continue of my sister up until his death in 2011. I absolutely was emotionally abused by him, afraid for my life daily but I never was almost drowned, had welts from regular beatings or had my arm broken by him. That is just the tip of the iceburg that I never got, there is so much more. Right out of my mouth now comes the feeling of "but I wish I did". I would gladly place myself back in time in front of him to spare them the torture they got and give me the punishment I deserve. I believe if I could do that maybe I could finally get peace. How sick is that?

My siblings are 8 and 11 years older than I am. I was told I was the favorite and I absolutely was. My mother threw in the additive guilt for me that if you weren't born maybe I would have left....so, I think if she did leave maybe they would have been spared. It goes so deep as me wishing I was never born! My sister will say " we never wanted for you to find out how bad it was for us, we tried to protect you"...I don't think that helps but I will never ask her to stop saying that....ever, I deserve it and no one can change my mind on this one. She was right in wanting to spare me some of the details I didn't know because one of the catalysts of me spiraling down was when my brother shared with me some of what happened to him. Two months later I tried to end my life. I truly feel responsible for some of their physical abuse they got while protecting me. Now that I'm sick, they have had to hold me up at times which also makes me feel guilty! Pretty much everything makes me feel guilty. I know they only want the best for me......but I don't.....I want to die, plain and simple. I deserve to die, plain and simple. Some people will try to convince me this is in unjustified, believe me if I could take this feeling away I would, but again...I deserve it. Intellectually if someone else was writing this I would tell them how ridiculous this is, but for me I can not nor will not allow that possibility to enter my brain. So yes, I do understand survivors guilt, it totally s****. You are not alone.

 

[Hashi]

Welcome to the forum, cass84.

I used to feel survivor's guilt. Someone else died and because he did, I didn't. I've done a lot of work on it and don't feel guilt now.

Would you like to say any more about you or your situation? Or about the survivor's guilt you're feeling?

 

[roaminggnome]

@cass84 I felt survivor's guilt for surviving 9/11 but over time and much work in therapy I don't anymore. It took years for the guilt to dissipate. I still do feel survivor's guilt over my childhood abuse. I'm working on it in therapy. Welcome to the forum.