Susanconnecticut

[connecticutsusan]

My name is Susan, I'm 56 years old and live in Connecticut. Although I haven't been diagnosed I'm reasonably sure I have PTSD and want help with it.

I lost my husband very suddenly just a year ago three weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer, the next day I lost my dog to kidney failure/old age, they were my best friends in the whole world and I'm really having trouble dealing with my loss.

My husband and I had worked very hard and our life was perfect, we had our own business and spent 24 hours a day together, which is what we wanted. He was my life and now I'm lost without him.

As time has gone by I find I kiss him more everyday, I have panic/anxiety attacks, difficulty sleeping, sometimes lose control and yell at people who don't deserve it and I often feel suicidal, I know at times I loose my sanity and am a danger to myself. I feel sad, lonely, angry, despondent, depressed and don't enjoy life at all anymore.

I resent that I was left behind a year ago and wish I'd gone with my husband and dog. I really hate life and just want it to be over.

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[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

Have you tried getting into doing a hobby, or doing volunteer work? There are also grief programs that you might want to look into. Sometimes it can take a long time for the grieving process.

 

[connecticutsusan]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have hobbies, I also run a business all by myself that takes several hours of work each day, I have two dogs, do volunteer work but I'm still overcome withb grief, sadness and loneliness. There are times I fall into my black hole and want nothing except to die. At every waking moment I'm either crying or on the edge of tears. I had two younger brothers who committed suicide and think it my be a family thing, I truly think that's how I'll end up when I can no longer tolerate life anymore.

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[BigBear]

Hi connecticutsusan,

(outside of the forum) You really need to start by getting professional therapy. There are many conditions that appear very similar to PTSD to the untrained eye. Even trained psychologists often mis-diagnose it. The treatments for the other conditions are not all that similar to those for PTSD. So you see, to get effective help, you need a real pro!

(inside the forum) I think that talking about your problems to a sympathetic ear is very therapeutic... A good way to do that here is to start a trauma diary. If that makes you feel uncomfortable

If that makes you nervous, then read around the forum. Find people that you feel comfortable with. Strike up conversations with them. That kind of thing.

Glad you are here!

Bear

 

[Sandra]

One thing with an abuser is they will do or say an act of kindness every so often. That is to keep their target at the end of their leash so they can come back and bash them down when the need to do so.

 

[connecticutsusan]

Hi connecticutsusan,

(outside of the forum) You really need to start by getting professional therapy. There are many conditions that appear very similar to PTSD to the untrained eye. Even trained psychologists often mis-diagnose it. The treatments for the other conditions are not all that similar to those for PTSD. So you see, to get effective help, you need a real pro!

(inside the forum) I think that talking about your problems to a sympathetic ear is very therapeutic... A good way to do that here is to start a trauma diary. If that makes you feel uncomfortable

If that makes you nervous, then read around the forum. Find people that you feel comfortable with. Strike up conversations with them. That kind of thing.

Glad you are here!

Bear

Hi Bear, Thanks so much for your thoughts and input. The last year has been unbearably dreadful, I don't know how much longer I can go on. Everyone said this would get easier with time, but it's gotten harder. I realized on the anniversary of my husband's and dog's deaths that I have a problem and need help. I contacted hospice that had taken care of my husband and the nurse said she'd help me find someone to talk to. However, just after that I left home and have come to Michigan to spend the holidays with my family here, so I won't be able to talk with someone at home 'til I go back there in January. My Mom, who I'm staying with, is 86 and just doesn't understand so she's no help. My older brother understands and knows I need help, but doesn't know what to do. I now feel pretty much like a zombie, I go through the motions of life and put on my game face, but inside I'm sad, angry, terrified and constantly thinking that I just want to die. I don't sleep well, I don't enjoy anything and I know if I had a surefire method I'd kill myself right now, I'm so mad at myself for letting them dispose of my husband's medications the night he died. Loud noises startle me and make me cry, I'm afraid at home alone but always felt safe and secure when my husband was still there, I don't handle any stress or problems well, but I always did before. This isn't life, this is just existing, I can't imagine ever actually living life again, I can't imagine ever feeling happy, safe, secure or loved again, I can't imagine ever looking forward to anything or enjoying anything. I'll start a trauma diary, do I just write about my feelings? Thanks for listening.

 

[Sandra]

Write whatever you wish. You can even make it private or public. You can only have 1 of each.