Been doing so well recently, going to my bed at a reasonable hour, limited alcohol and managed to sleep for 4-5 hours without the demons (as I call them) keeping me awake. They do often make me afraid to go to bed until I have dosed myself up on something to knock me out as once they get hold I am awake all night and often go for a couple days without sleep. Actually function rather well at such times but that is the adrenalin stirred up by the demons but I do try to make the most of the energy I have and be constructive.
Recently my new, now very much onside Doc has given me some sleeping tablets, Triazepam 20mg. I have been breaking them in half so take 10mg with a glass of wine and I have been asleep within an hour. Wonderful, I go to my bed happy in the knowledge I will sleep and have done so for a couple of weeks now. It feels so good to look forward to bedtime rather than fear it and delay as is normally my ordeal night after night.
Two weeks of wonderful deep refreshing reliable sleep, until tonight. No sleep.
Do we get immune or accustomed to medication? Does the fact I have had a very down few days that I pulled myself out of this evening after a very vigorous gym session have anything to do with it? I often used to think I hated to go to bed as the evenings with a drink made me relax so it was the best time of the day and I didn't want it to end but rather hang on to some normality for as long as I could. Of course this also avoided the confrontation with the demons that come at any quiet juncture in the day but queue up ready and waiting at bedtime to start howling at me and asking me all those unanswerable questions.
Lights on, music played, distractions at hand: a book, the computer, planning ahead, anything to keep my brain free of the demons but they always came. More distractions, write on a website keep my thoughts away from that I cannot comprehend, come to terms with it, it is the past, leave it, move on and forget - all the driving forces and aversion tactics.
When I lived alone this was not a problem, I went with the flow really and did cope, put in a flurry of activity when I felt OK, kept the brain active on other things when the white noise blurred out reason; but now I am with my family and I am expected to be up and function in the morning. Oh dear, they may have to count me out, I am wide awake at 5am with a sleeping tablet in me, a herbal supplement taken for some psychological assistance and a bottle of wine beside me as a last resort. I have been awake since 6.30am and if I take the other half of my sleeping tablet I may be out for count until midday. That never used to matter too much, well not at weekends, I pulled myself through the working week on 2 hours a night for some considerable time.
Oh I did enjoy the experience of an early night and falling asleep with a smile on my face these past two weeks. I will stop breaking the tablets in half once I have some more from the doctor as after four years of very little sleep, a guaranteed four-five hours is very addictive. A comfort and i think helping me heal, after all sleeping rests the brain so it can heal itself from trauma.
Although my past few days have been low mood I have been thinking and making more sense of things than at any point in the past four years, my cognitive abilities have been so improved with the sleep. It has been so long I had forgotten how that felt, to be able to reason and be balanced even for short periods of the day is wonderful and brings back positive memories.
I'm hooked and want more of it... is the triazepam a bad choice? Should I be more cautious? It does have the added benefit of relaxing my tense back muscles so my overall self is feeling pretty great on it.
Now to take the other half tablet as it is almost 5.30 am and no sleep beckons.
Recently my new, now very much onside Doc has given me some sleeping tablets, Triazepam 20mg. I have been breaking them in half so take 10mg with a glass of wine and I have been asleep within an hour. Wonderful, I go to my bed happy in the knowledge I will sleep and have done so for a couple of weeks now. It feels so good to look forward to bedtime rather than fear it and delay as is normally my ordeal night after night.
Two weeks of wonderful deep refreshing reliable sleep, until tonight. No sleep.
Do we get immune or accustomed to medication? Does the fact I have had a very down few days that I pulled myself out of this evening after a very vigorous gym session have anything to do with it? I often used to think I hated to go to bed as the evenings with a drink made me relax so it was the best time of the day and I didn't want it to end but rather hang on to some normality for as long as I could. Of course this also avoided the confrontation with the demons that come at any quiet juncture in the day but queue up ready and waiting at bedtime to start howling at me and asking me all those unanswerable questions.
Lights on, music played, distractions at hand: a book, the computer, planning ahead, anything to keep my brain free of the demons but they always came. More distractions, write on a website keep my thoughts away from that I cannot comprehend, come to terms with it, it is the past, leave it, move on and forget - all the driving forces and aversion tactics.
When I lived alone this was not a problem, I went with the flow really and did cope, put in a flurry of activity when I felt OK, kept the brain active on other things when the white noise blurred out reason; but now I am with my family and I am expected to be up and function in the morning. Oh dear, they may have to count me out, I am wide awake at 5am with a sleeping tablet in me, a herbal supplement taken for some psychological assistance and a bottle of wine beside me as a last resort. I have been awake since 6.30am and if I take the other half of my sleeping tablet I may be out for count until midday. That never used to matter too much, well not at weekends, I pulled myself through the working week on 2 hours a night for some considerable time.
Oh I did enjoy the experience of an early night and falling asleep with a smile on my face these past two weeks. I will stop breaking the tablets in half once I have some more from the doctor as after four years of very little sleep, a guaranteed four-five hours is very addictive. A comfort and i think helping me heal, after all sleeping rests the brain so it can heal itself from trauma.
Although my past few days have been low mood I have been thinking and making more sense of things than at any point in the past four years, my cognitive abilities have been so improved with the sleep. It has been so long I had forgotten how that felt, to be able to reason and be balanced even for short periods of the day is wonderful and brings back positive memories.
I'm hooked and want more of it... is the triazepam a bad choice? Should I be more cautious? It does have the added benefit of relaxing my tense back muscles so my overall self is feeling pretty great on it.
Now to take the other half tablet as it is almost 5.30 am and no sleep beckons.
