Sympathy For An Abuser And Corresponding Conflictions

[moshpitmunkey]

I have recently been experiencing some feelings of sympathy and pity for my abusive parent. Which has ultimately started to erode my guard and disarm me. And I hate this feeling of being out of control and not being able to stop these feelings! I don't like being conflicted and gaslighted and I feel as if I'm being sucked back into an abusive hole due to what my therapist calls the "honeymoon phase". I weep when my abusive parent tells me she misses me or when I notice her in a fragile state even though dysfunction and abuse still plague and permeate the Dynamics of our relationship and still trigger me in terrible ways. I have been working hard on a path to move on but now I feel even more lost and confused than ever. Idk if this makes any sense but I needed to try and talk this out. Thanks to anyone who listens/responds.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm not sure how a honeymoon phase fits in here but I can understand the pull to the abusive parent(s). My mom & step dad had a pull on me for YEARS! They are both dead now but still I feel that pull to them, to the cult, to it all.

Its super hard to explain and I dont know if that is what you are speaking about but my therapist said one thing that made total sense of it all, she was still my mom and there is a big piece of me that still longs for that motherly love and the hope that she would come out of it and become the mother I needed.

There is grief of a childhood in this (if you had childhood abuse) and the need of a normal loving parent is always there and I think in everyone. So it makes a ton of sense to me on why you'd have a pull back to an abusive parent. It's all also very normal to you. The abuse.

I'm not sure if my ramblings make any sense to you or anyone but know I understand fully!

 

[blackandwhite2017]

Hi OP,

I completely understand you. My parents want to build back a connection with me as well despite my father being a narcissist and my mother finding excuses for my physically + emotionally + neglectful step father. And I too find it very hard to remind myself to stay emotionally distant.

Firstly, people tend to expect abused children to forgive their parents after their parents ask for forgiveness and love, so there is a social pressure. Secondly, as children it is hard for us to look away when our parents are in pain and cry for help...despite how much they have hurt us, it is hard to not feel sad when we see them suffering. Lastly, I think we still have an unconscious desire for the parental love and acceptance...we may try to convince ourselves that our love can change them and only we can change them thus we have a responsibility of changing them and helping them to be happy.

However, all of those are invalid reasons and incorrect reasoning for us to put our mental and physical well-being behind the needs of our abusers. Firstly, our abusers are grown adults (i think at least in most cases? if not call CPS), and they should be responsible for what they have done. And ending up with a child who chooses not to love them and care for them is honestly a very fair consequence of their actions. Moreover, even if you seriously want to help your parents despite not needing to, you need to make sure you are in a position where you can handle all the stresses of dealing with your parents healthily first before stepping into the game. You need to make sure you are happy and stable enough to not get drowned by your parents' suffering before helping them, or else you will just add yourself to the suffering instead of managing to help anyone. I have done this stupid deed before, my action did not end up helping anyone, it did not change my abusers, it only temporally made them happier, and most importantly it almost drowned me... So I really hope the OP won't repeat the same mistake of putting our abusers' needs before that of our own.

Best of luck OP. You have a very kind heart, but please don't allow your abusers (or anyone) taking advantage of your kindness.
HelloWorld314

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@moshpitmunkey I hear you. I cut off all communication with my parents 2 years ago. I am still in therapy and still dealing with issues but I resolved some of the unhealthy responsibilities I had. I felt overly responsible for her feelings but not anymore. EMDR helped a lot. Through EMDR I was able to see that I was a kid and I was not responsible for her feelings and needs.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@HelloWorld314 thank you for saying the truth. Thank you for being honest and saying about the social expectation of forgiveness towards abusive parents. I highly recommend The Drama of the Gifted Child by Allice Miller. She talks about this and many other social constraints that are imposed on abused children and also about bad therapists.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I'm not sure how a honeymoon phase fits in here but I can understand the pull to the abusive...

Hi thank you so much for your reply. Perhaps I didn't explain the honeymoon phase properly and apologize for any confusion. But Everything you've stated is how I feel to a T. That pull back into the cult. Into the abuse. The grieving (yes I experienced child abuse), the longing for a normal parent and so on. It's a crazy, exhausting cycle and sometimes I wish those feelings in me would die so I would be less susceptible to falling back into the cycle. I really appreciate you simply validating those feelings and I feel comforted knowing that I'm not alone in this.


Just trying to figure out how to deal with it all and how to get my life back...

 

[Deanna]

I don't have contact with my family member that abused me. The other ones are dead and I am happy they are. Why would feel sorry for someone like that? You have to forgive them to move on... but I can't get close. They could fall off a cliff and I'd watch.

When people get older, they change the story in their minds to deal with their abusive behavior. Thy really think it was their circumstances to act/perform/be abusive in that way.. It's sad.. humans are pathetic as well.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

@moshpitmunkey I hear you. I cut off all communication with my parents 2 year...

Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad to hear you're in a better place after therapy and cutting off contact with your parents. I think EMDR may be helpful to me as well because I still carry around feelings of guilt and that sense of responsibility you speak of even now and I'm not sure I can work through it on my own. It sucks. But you've given me hope.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I don't have contact with my family member that abused me. The other ones are dead and I am happy...

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You have to forgive them to move on

Not everyone can nor should forgive. Acceptence is more up my ally. Just personally.

 

[Deanna]

Truer words have never been spoken.

It will be okay. You will be okay.Take a deep breath...You have to let them own what they did.

 

[Deanna]

Not everyone can nor should forgive. Acceptence is more up my ally. Just personally.[/QUOTE...

I know.. you are correct.. I should say-- forgiveness is more about yourself. I can't forgive either.. but it's just a very vague word..My apologies. The word should be- ( I don't know really) I'm so detached. My mother beat us severely until one day, I just punched her in the face because she was really, ( severely) hurt my brother. Can I forgive her? Forgiveness is not the correct word is neither is empathy.