T Yelled At Me

[Reds]

It's been a while since I've been online, as most of you know that I've moved to a new province early this year and things have been challenging. I still talk to my t over the phone and email because I'm not ready to start with a new t.
This week I've been in a bad space and I think I've pushed her way too much. So I sent her an email firing her and she replied with kind words and wishing me well etc. I sent her another email asking if she wanted us to start afresh and she still replied nicely telling me that nothing has changed from her side and it was up to me what I wanted. I assumed that meant we can have our session, so later I called her so we can have our phone session but she didn't pick up the phone. After 15min I called again and still she didn't pick up. Later she called me back and she was really frustrated. She started yelling at me so I just kept my silence.
I understand why she lost it with me. And I think she had a right to yell because I've been sending her mixed messages.
Even though I know I was wrong I'm struggling to make peace with the fact that she yelled at me. I feel down and depressed. I stayed in bed all day evenmy boyfriend is worried about me saying I look troubled. I'm not sure how to feel or what to do.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Was she really yelling, or was she speaking more loudly? I ask because I actually hear some things as louder than they actually are delivered. I record my therapy sessions so when it has felt like there was "yelling" I go back and listen and turns out, more often than not, it wasn't yelling.

Also, yelling is relative. I used to call raised voices yelling. Now I call it raised voices.

That you had so many communications with her indicates she is trying to be patient. Therapists are human beings like us and they do have their own limits. I work hard to remember that while I don't like everything my therapists have said, there is a difference between expressing myself and being disrespectful. I struggle between the two.

You have several choices. Feel what you feel, and know it's ok to feel whatever you do. Angry. Frustrated. Sad. Abandoned....a stew of many? Also, keep going about your day taking a lot of self-care and doing grounding work.

Laying in bed ruminating will not help your brain come fully into the present, but that's still an option as well if you can. Call her up and talk to her if she'll allow you too.

It's your journey and you get to decide your next steps. Hang in there. She's been through all this before. They don't think of us as bad people when such minor (from their perspective) bumps in the road happen during the process. But they are obligated to set their boundaries with us so the therapeutic space can be a healing one.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Jane.l]

Hi Reds - I was wondering how you were doing. What was your T yelling at you ? I can understand that she may be frustrated but that's not professional behaviour - I know you had a good relationship with her so understandably you feel crap - maybe the whole phone thing just isn't working ?

 

[Pencil]

Oh, wow, she's human!

 

[digger]

Was she yelling like screaming shouting at you, or was she raising her voice and speaking in a different tone than you're used to from her? Can you explain what she was yelling? I think it would be useful to look at what she was saying as much as how she said it.

 

[Reds]

She was frustrated about me canceling all my sessions them calling her for a session. She said things which made me to think really hard and wonder what she meant. her voice was raised I even asked her if she was upset and she said she was frustrated and that she needs me to decide what I want. She asked me what I wanted from her. She also said she can't make decisions for me and that this was my journey and I need to tell her what I want etc. At which point I was also getting upset and raised my voice as well accusing her off things which are not even there and she refused to own up to my false accusations. Let's just say it was a session that went bad

 

[Reds]

And then I just cried, I could have just hung up on her but I have promised her I will never hang up my phone on her

 

[Jane.l]

So how have you left things with her ?

 

[Reds]

I don't where we are now, I apologised for upsetting her and she said she was sorry that I'm in a bad place. She knows how to make me laugh so she said a few funny things so I could laugh and be in a better space. she also said she'll talk to me next week and I said yes. I don't of our relationship will ever be the same, I feel like I just broke it. I'm also thinking maybe I should not have next week's session

 

[shimmerz]

So do you feel like she was justified in her frustration? Part of the healing process is forcing ourselves out of ourselves and seeing others and how we affect them. You have said that she expressed frustration over you not coming to sessions. Perhaps she is trying to shake you up to see if you are, in fact, committed to healing. I hear that in what your quoting her in saying 'this is your journey'. It is true, it is our journey and we have to be active participants in our journey that shows commitment. Can you hear what she is saying to you?

I don't know whether not showing up next week will help the situation but of course, your call.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Instead of wasting the emotional energy trying to figure out any hidden meaning behind her words, can you try just accepting her words? My therapists don't play mind games on me like my abusers did. They say what they mean and don't force me to guess.

Hanging up on therapists is common with us traumatized folks, but it is still disrespectful and upsetting to even the most well-trained individual. They are here to help us and that kind of push-pull relationship dynamic usually is taught to us early in childhood, but it is very detrimental to the therapeutic relationship. It is often traumatic re-enactment playing out with our therapist.

Is there someone in your life who hangs up on you, or does the cold shoulder treatment? Or, earlier in your life? If so, the feelings you couldn't express safely then might be actually re-experienced in the here and now.

After firing my therapist twice, and the painful going back, I promised myself that I could fire him in my head as much as I wanted to, but that I wouldn't tell him again unless I truly intended to go through with it.

I went through a period of almost a year firing him constantly in my head, playing it out. Then I'd practice my grounding skills, try to tolerate the feelings and memories coming up, and often realizing the reasons I felt like firing him weren't actually our interaction at all but what our interaction reminded me off.

It truly is your decision to make, and it would be very inappropriate for her to push you in one direction or another. What do you want out of therapy?

 

[Jane.l]

If she was trying to make you laugh and is planning on talking next week it sounds like her frustration was fairly short lived ? I am sure it can be straighten out - what do you want ? Might be worth sending her an email ?