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T Yelled At Me
- Post starter Reds
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- #14
I just feel like I said some stupid things to her and I don't even know where they came from. When she asked me what I wanted from her I then raised my voice and said I want her to love me, take me to the park and buy me ice cream. Who says such things to a T, truth is I wished I had those things from my mother not the T. I accused her of all sorts of things which she didn't do by were done by my mom. I'm just embarrassed
But as much as she is important to you and I totally 'get' that - do you think you can get everything you need in this long distance relationship ? Could you keep what you have with her but maybe also see someone from time to time - I just worry you can't get what you need to move forwards .
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- #18
Lol, thank you Shimmerz for making me to laugh. I don't think I'll get an ice cream. Jane.I, I'm actually thinking of getting someone this side but I'm also scared. It takes me long to open up and trust someone. I don't like the idea of starting afresh and I might be moving back home early next year so I will be able to see my t face to face again. I still squeeze in a face to face session when I go to visit my boyfriend.
That sounds good - you could just try seeing someone as a stop gap if it doesn't work out you can walk away - I understand your reluctance to start again - as much as I can make these sensible suggestions to you , I really don't think I could do this with anyone other than the T I have - but maybe you could just deal with more day to day stuff rather than the deeper issues if it might only be short term.
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
A lot of us say such things to a therapist.
Therapists are there as mentors, coaches, a sounding board, a cheering squad, a healer, and an ally.
They cannot however be ethically be our parent, spouse, lover, or friend. That is not what they are there for, and expecting or demanding that is not going to change the fact they cannot be that for us.
But they can help us heal the wounds left by those who were/are supposed to be that for us. They can teach us how to develop the social reciprocity skills necessary to have those roles filled in our lives by people who are healthy and safe for us. They can help us learn how to know who is capable and willing to truly be there for us and how we can be there for them.
But it's a good sign that you are developing a healing space with her that you were able to articulate those feelings. That shows you did not get those needs fulfilled as a child and you need help to work through the feelings. Really, as far as therapy dreck goes, this may feel like a big deal but it's just typical PTSD crap and no crisis to her.
She can help you with this but it won't be safe for you to have her start working through this unless you make a firm commitment to the therapeutic process. Otherwise, if you get triggered and leave after unlocking this stuff, you could end up more symptomatic and less functional.
Therapists are there as mentors, coaches, a sounding board, a cheering squad, a healer, and an ally.
They cannot however be ethically be our parent, spouse, lover, or friend. That is not what they are there for, and expecting or demanding that is not going to change the fact they cannot be that for us.
But they can help us heal the wounds left by those who were/are supposed to be that for us. They can teach us how to develop the social reciprocity skills necessary to have those roles filled in our lives by people who are healthy and safe for us. They can help us learn how to know who is capable and willing to truly be there for us and how we can be there for them.
But it's a good sign that you are developing a healing space with her that you were able to articulate those feelings. That shows you did not get those needs fulfilled as a child and you need help to work through the feelings. Really, as far as therapy dreck goes, this may feel like a big deal but it's just typical PTSD crap and no crisis to her.
She can help you with this but it won't be safe for you to have her start working through this unless you make a firm commitment to the therapeutic process. Otherwise, if you get triggered and leave after unlocking this stuff, you could end up more symptomatic and less functional.
Sorry it's been rough. I've felt embarrassed too, and I think that's an improvement over just complaining about work with my therapist, as if she was on the same plane as my neighbor. So, she knows me better and my weird sh#t. That's her job.
It sounds like you should definitely commit to yourself, if you really want to get better, and go to your appointment next week, even if your a$s falls off, or you feel scared or embarrassed. Just do it. Bring a stuffed animal if it helps. But just keep showing up no matter what and you will be able to work through this challenge you have going on right now. If you quit and eventually go somewhere else, you will find yourself likely in the same pattern, right? It sounds like you have a very patient therapist. She's giving you lots of chances, she's not giving up on you, but it's fair for her to ask you what you want from therapy and consider really committing to it...so that you go even when you don't want to or are afraid. I got through a couple phases of not wanting to go, or canceling last minute (and then rescheduling because I was a mess). A very little, young part of me also expected my therapist to give up on me. She wasn't going to...but if I had kept cancelling, there would have been a point where we just weren't going anywhere and she can't drag me along. She can only be there for me, 100%, when I show up...and a little bit in between.
The therapist's job is to accept all these parts of ourselves that don't seem to fit and help us integrate them or move beyond them. Our job is to show up. Would it help to post every time you want to cancel and have others remind you not to? Would it help to think of the positives, like you noted how your therapist could make you laugh and how she seems to help diffuse awkward situations? Try not to worry about her feelings or thoughts...or ask yourself where that is coming from and what your fears are, and discuss that with her.
There is something healing about going right back even after we share something that we felt embarrassed about or ashamed of. It's a recommitment to ourselves, but the therapist accepting us back helps subdue that whole pattern and all of those feelings of shame. Going back when you feel embarrassed or ashamed is a powerful step. I hope you can go next week and pat yourself on the back for the big move forward. :hug:
It sounds like you should definitely commit to yourself, if you really want to get better, and go to your appointment next week, even if your a$s falls off, or you feel scared or embarrassed. Just do it. Bring a stuffed animal if it helps. But just keep showing up no matter what and you will be able to work through this challenge you have going on right now. If you quit and eventually go somewhere else, you will find yourself likely in the same pattern, right? It sounds like you have a very patient therapist. She's giving you lots of chances, she's not giving up on you, but it's fair for her to ask you what you want from therapy and consider really committing to it...so that you go even when you don't want to or are afraid. I got through a couple phases of not wanting to go, or canceling last minute (and then rescheduling because I was a mess). A very little, young part of me also expected my therapist to give up on me. She wasn't going to...but if I had kept cancelling, there would have been a point where we just weren't going anywhere and she can't drag me along. She can only be there for me, 100%, when I show up...and a little bit in between.
The therapist's job is to accept all these parts of ourselves that don't seem to fit and help us integrate them or move beyond them. Our job is to show up. Would it help to post every time you want to cancel and have others remind you not to? Would it help to think of the positives, like you noted how your therapist could make you laugh and how she seems to help diffuse awkward situations? Try not to worry about her feelings or thoughts...or ask yourself where that is coming from and what your fears are, and discuss that with her.
There is something healing about going right back even after we share something that we felt embarrassed about or ashamed of. It's a recommitment to ourselves, but the therapist accepting us back helps subdue that whole pattern and all of those feelings of shame. Going back when you feel embarrassed or ashamed is a powerful step. I hope you can go next week and pat yourself on the back for the big move forward. :hug:
At least she is honest with you, showing her frustration with your behaviour, and you're being honest showing your neediness, and while it's embarrassing, it is what you feel.
So you wanted her to act like the mother you needed, it makes you human. Change doesn't make us feel comfortable, it challenges us to change our old patterns and to admit to what is really going on. The opportunity for growth is there, it's your choice.
So you wanted her to act like the mother you needed, it makes you human. Change doesn't make us feel comfortable, it challenges us to change our old patterns and to admit to what is really going on. The opportunity for growth is there, it's your choice.
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