Taking A Person With Ptsd Seriously

[p-no]

What has been bothering me lately and increasingly so over the past few days cruising forum posts is that I feel many of those who call themselves supporters do not take "their sufferers" seriously in what they say and/or do.

I am aware of many things that can lead a person to be like that (their own experiences in life, own trauma, conditions, helplessness, co-dependency, etc.), but I wonder if that is all.

When I read a thread's title some time ago saying "What do you let your sufferer get away with", I wanted to scream at first. I am not anyone's sufferer and I find this degrading. If I am, I am a person with PTSD who is their partner. I think the respect shown in my wording is adequate.

Also, if I am someone's partner I want to be taken seriously as such. That means that when I draw away from my partner and say I need some distance, then it is exactly what I need and it is exactly why I do it. I do see that this may cause again feelings of helplessness, of doubt, etc. But why is it then that partners do not ask their partner. I am very well capable of answering if being asked. I believe that my partner does "deserve" (although I do not like using this word, but am for a lack of a better one right now) an answer to his questions and explanations.

Basically what I want to say is I want to be taken seriously. With regard to my PTSD symptoms and needs and wants due to my PTSD, this means that I would like my partner to take seriously what I say and what that makes my partner feel. And that he takes it from there, whatever this may mean in terms of consequence on his part. I want and need to be taken seriously because that is really how this world works: cause and effect. I don't want anyone ever-so-enduring "for me" (for it is not really "for me" but for them themselves). I want a partner, equal.

I have been trying to put this into some creative writing but it will take some time to get it done. So this post really is asking those with PTSD for their opinion, not their partners (I expect the word partner to be including the trait of being supportive): Do you feel taken seriously? Is that not what you want? When you say something (like: "I need to be on my own for a week, I need some space"), do you actually not mean this but are trying to hint at something?

Thanks all.

p-no

 

[Deleted member 1860]

For me it helped to read one of the stickies at the top of one of the supporters forum that said something along the lines of "this is a supporters forum, remember that as you post as supporters are navigating the world of PTSD without having it themselves". (I believe Nicolette wrote the post.)

Of course I don't agree with everything that is said. But that is THEIR support forum and as such we are visitors and must respect that. (I believe you have by posting your frustrations here instead of voicing them over there.)

No, I didn't venture into the "get away with" thread as the title wasn't that appealing to me. So I haven't read any of the responses.

But, I do understand what you're saying about wanting to be taken seriously. We all want a voice. I've found that sometimes the fastest way for me to calm down is for someone to simply listen to me and validate my thoughts and feelings. And conversely, one of the fastest ways to tick me off is to invalidate me by not listening or saying I'm lying.

And one last thing... The "sufferer" term is more of a catch all phrase I believe. Rather than saying my partner, husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, friend, etc, it is easier to say sufferer as it is universally understood on that board that is who is being discussed. I don't take it as an insult as I've NEVER seen this term used outside this forum. Thus I don't think it's meant to be degrading, so much as a catch-all term that everyone understands. But again, I do see where you're coming from.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You echo some of the things I felt when I cam here.

To some extent I still feel that way. But because of the nature of my trauma related problems, I look at myself first.

The term 'my sufferer' in particular insinuates ownership of another person who is weaker than oneself. For me that term reminds me of many of the issues associated with abusive relationships.

If it were my partner who used that term, I would absolutely want them to change it. I wouldn't ever put up with it. But I don't have that relationship with people on the forum and so my feelings are milder.

It is the choice of others what they will accept and perhaps it means different things to different people. But also, perhaps people who are with someone with PTSD will read this and not have realised what the terminology the use could come across as.

As someone who has PTSD I know sometimes I say things that I hope others will understand, and others take it in a completely different way than how it was intended to sound. Although communication might be hindered by PTSD, mis-communication is something that ALL fallible human beings fall fowl of. So I'm becoming more able to accept others words are not intended as a direct derogation of me personally or of people with PTSD.

With regards to the thread you mention here, I think it is an example of an unhealthy thinking style. Again this is something that we with PTSD know oh too well. But just because a person doesn't have PTSD, it doesn't mean they are perfect and exempt from making perception errors.

As Scaredoflonely says, people living with someone with PTSD are often having to come to terms with it, just like us. So there's not such a big gap. When you look at the replies to threads such as the one you mention, they often offer a new way for the 'carer' to see things.

It's all a work in progress on both sides of the fence.

 

[Dallas]

But why is it then that partners do not ask their partner.

p-no

What if you ask them, and they don't answer you? What if there is only silence?


Sincerely, Dallas.

 

[zbztster]

I have met very few people who know how to take PTSD seriously. This is unfortunate.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

p-no,

I advise to just stay away from the supporter forums. It's maddening to read about how sufferers are viewed. Well, that and it spikes my paranoid thought obsessions.

The thread that tipped the scales for me was the one about sufferers not being able to feel love. I won't elaborate here, as I don't feel it's appropriate. However, I do think that it's important how YOUR carers view you, not how other people's carers view them. (I hope this makes sense). Its sort of along the lines of not being able to change everybody else, so just focus on those you associate with on a regular basis IRL. Yes, it would be nice if we could make everyone so accepting, but for now, just focus on the immediate.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk, I try to say what I mean, as a 'human being'. Unfortunately, as a 'human being with ptsd', who knows if it's understood or not. I guess if people have 'carers' there is the hope that their relationship is sound and develops, for both people's sakes. As different equals.

I tend to think in black and white terms, so I can't see myself asking for a week away. It's either 'ok' or 'not ok'. I know they say it's unhealthy to think in terms of black-and-white, but I also try to express myself, ask, give the benefit of the doubt. But at some point things change, and then I no longer have any desire for the relationship or to try. I do not think that's the ptsd, I think it's realizing one is not heard, perhaps because of others' views that you have ptsd.

 

[Innordinate]

I think if you can be that level headed and honest sincere in a relationship that's great. I don't really like the term 'sufferer' and I don't ever refer to myself as 'my wife's sufferer'. My wife doesn't refer to me as her sufferer either. But the fact is, not everyone with PTSD is the same and not everyone without it is the same. There are still scumbag people with PTSD, scumbag people without PTSD etc. There's nothing on this forum that will filter out 'not so respectful' people until they've posted some not so respectful crap and then get booted.

I've read posts where supporters are being treated like shit by their partners, being used by their partners, being forced by their partners to take on a sort of 'parenting' role etc. Some people use PTSD as an excuse to 'get away' with shit. (I've done it, I've had people do it for me)

Anyways, right, my point - Not everyone is as straight and forthcoming in relationships, it's not so black and white. Not everyone always means what they say. Not everyone can always trust what other people say. Not everyone has the self-esteem to be confident in their relationships. Actually, I'd say a reality is that everyone has doubts in a relationship, about a relationship, no matter how long or how strongly connected they are. You take a confident supporter, throw them into a situation they can't fully understand, and there will be doubts. They come here to express their doubts, to find people who can relate to them just like we do.

Sometimes a word is just a word. Sufferer - yeah, that's me. Why? Because I suffer from this shit. It's easier to type than 'my PTSD partner', there is no confusion to who they're talking about. It's just an identifying word to me. Like, "Hey there's that white guy" I can't get pissed off that someone knows their colors.

Sometimes people just word things, like thread titles, the way it comes out in their head and sometimes other people who are a little sensitive will take offence. It happens.

I just try to remember that supporters are here because they are taking their partners who suffer from PTSD and their relationships seriously.

 

[anthony]

I put it all down to the issue that you really cannot understand PTSD unless you have PTSD. I've been on both sides in the military, where I had soldiers diagnosed with this and booted, and during it all... whilst I supported them with what they needed, listened, etc... I still came to the conclusion that some of it sounded like crap. Pie in my face when it happened to me, then I truly understood what they were saying.

From that experience with several of my soldiers going through this before it happened to me, I can honestly relate, and this is why that indifference exists IMHO... and will not change. You cannot make someone understand the feelings, thoughts, etc unless they have them.

 

[p-no]

For me it helped to read one of the stickies (...)

This is a reply to all of your post:

I have read the stickies and I know. Of course it's their forum and of course they should write what they want and need to there.

Re having a voice: I do have one. Which is exactly one of the reasons why I wrote this initial post. Even though it's their forum, even though they are also trying to learn, etc. etc., even though that is all true, I can still voice what I would like to voice. Nothing else I have done.

Re ticking off. I wrote this post long after I was ticked off. And I wouldn't even say I was ticked off if by that you mean getting angry and staying it for a longer period of time than a few minutes.

Re the wording. That's exactly the point: it's more of a catch all phrase, a substitute for either partner, husband, boyfriend, etc. We use terms like that to seemingly make communication easier, but at the end of the day it complicates things. The choice of words (referring to every aspect of life here) form an image in another person and an image easily gets stuck in a brain (any brain wiring). That is what happens when, for example, on tv there is a report about someone with PTSD having started a shooting and using substitute terms instead of wording it all out (which is far more time- and effort-consuming because you need to focus constantly on being accurate; also it would make the report a lot longer and containing more information), which then ends in people getting an "overall picture of people with PTSD", and so we're all put into the same pot (sorry, German idiom, don't know an English one, but I hope you'll get the idea).

I really do not care much what it is meant to be. What it is meant to be has me guessing/hoping/supposing/etc. what they meant. So, if that is not what is meant, why not express what really is meant?

 

[p-no]

The term 'my sufferer' in particular insinuates ownership of another person who is weaker than oneself.

It's not only the "my" for me, but also the "get a way with" (in this case). I am not a child who an adult needs to think about whether they want to let her get away with taking a cookie out of the jar before dinner. (But I didn't make that clear in my initial post.)

If it were my partner who used that term, I would absolutely want them to change it. I wouldn't ever put up with it. But I don't have that relationship with people on the forum and so my feelings are milder.

Completely ditto.

It is the choice of others what they will accept and perhaps it means different things to different people. But also, perhaps people who are with someone with PTSD will read this and not have realised what the terminology the use could come across as.

Again: ditto. Since I am me, this post (as all my posts) reflects my views only. I don't think I (nor anyone else for them themselves) have to state that fact each time I write a post. To me, that's general validity and common sense.

With regards to the thread you mention here, I think it is an example of an unhealthy thinking style. Again this is something that we with PTSD know oh too well. But just because a person doesn't have PTSD, it doesn't mean they are perfect and exempt from making perception errors.

Ditto.

As Scaredoflonely says, people living with someone with PTSD are often having to come to terms with it, just like us. So there's not such a big gap. When you look at the replies to threads such as the one you mention, they often offer a new way for the 'carer' to see things.

For me, that is not the question (to look at the thread or not and see the new ways partners of people with PTSD can come to see). I posted what I did merely because I wanted to voice my feelings and thoughts as well as to ask the questions I did.

It's all a work in progress on both sides of the fence.

Absolutely. I very often feel very grateful about the fact that work is possible and can be done on my side of the fence. :)

 

[p-no]

What if you ask them, and they don't answer you? What if there is only silence?

That is very sad for you (supposing you're the one asking) and it leaves you with nothing to work with in that situation, since I believe all you can do is ask. If a person (PTSD, AS, whatever or not) does not give you what you need in a relationship (any relationship), you need to take it from there. You need to find out for yourself what you can live with or not live with, want to live with or not, etc. It's your life.

All I can really say to this is that as someone with PTSD I want to be taken seriously also if I were not contributing to the relationship by replying. This means for me, that if that did damage to you as my partner, I think you should think about what your options are and take whatever you feel and think is good for you.

Would I be sad if you left and if I still loved you? Yes, very much so. But it's my PTSD and my inability or unwillingness to reply. Sadly so, but it is. And just in case you're wondering, yes, I have been left by someone because of what I would say is part of my PTSD, or therefore also was part of our relationship.

Best wishes, Dallas.