Taking On The Perpertrator's Guilt

[scott_1971_h]

I am used finding it extremely difficult for me to make close friends, just because I feel so different to normal people and I find it so hard to be interesting and normal. And it is hard to believe that anyone wants to be close to me and doubts always creep in when small things happen that I can then use to justify that they don't really want to be my friend. I have to try really hard to ignore those doubts and persevere.

You too? I thought I was the only unique person on the planet.
I have those fears too. Just don't know how to get around them. If you find a way, could you please post it?
Thanks,
Scott

 

[Queen Boudica]

Ahhhh... paranoia. The emotion that puts the "P" in PTSD!! I think most of my sessions with my therapist start with having to deal with my paranoia about what she was thinking about what I said in the last session....

Oh you must be way ahead of me in your therapy sessions.

I definitely have a lot of paranoia about what my therapist said in the last session, only I am too paranoid to check out with him in the next session in case he thinks I am paranoid and an idiot for thinking those paranoid thoughts.

In fact. Because I have not seen him in 3 weeks, cause he got booked out and last week I was on the waiting list for a cancellation but it did not happen. Well I have justified in my head that the stuff I told him in the last session has made him think I am such a horrible person, that he did not want to see me.

And I have it in my head that, even though he diagnosed me with complex trauma, he is then going to find out that I am a complete fraud, that my childhood was not really that bad, that somehow I have been exagerating or making too big a deal of it. I don't know, it makes sense in my head

Yes, paranoia is just killing me. Does that get any better? Cause I think I really need that bit to get better.

 

[angel2write]

I definitely have a lot of paranoia about what my therapist said in the last session, only I am too paranoid to check out with him in the next session in case he thinks I am paranoid and an idiot for thinking those paranoid thoughts.

OMG! This made me laugh. This sounds just like me! It's so funny to find out that things that I thought were part of my crazy personality are actually common symptoms of PTSD. It's really, really funny to hear other people on here say things that sound like they came right out of my head.

And I have it in my head that, even though he diagnosed me with complex trauma, he is then going to find out that I am a complete fraud, that my childhood was not really that bad, that somehow I have been exagerating or making too big a deal of it.

Yeah... I keep waiting for that, too. And it's really hard not to compare my story to other people's stories. It seems like nearly everyone had a tougher time than me. And yet, here I am anyway. Dealing with the same stuff.

Yes, paranoia is just killing me. Does that get any better? Cause I think I really need that bit to get better.

I've been in therapy I think three or four months now and doing a lot of work on the forum for about six. I think the paranoia is getting better. Sometimes it still reaches up and grabs me by the throat and I spend three days hiding in my room thinking everyone in the world hates me and I'll be shunned from the forum and my therapist is going to leave town to avoid me, etc. But I am starting to realize that it comes in waves, and if I hang on, the wave will pass and I'll feel like talking to people again. And I'm learning to check up with people. Say, "Did that bother you? Did I upset you? Are you mad at me?" And each time I check up and they say no, it helps a tiny bit. Getting rid of the paranoia is sort of like trying to chop down a redwood by chewing on it... but I have hope things will improve now. I didn't before.

I hope things WILL get better for you soon. Sending a big hug. ((((Lizio))))

Angel

 

[Queen Boudica]

OMG! I hope things WILL get better for you soon. Sending a big hug. ((((Lizio))))

Angel

Thanks Angel. Getting ready for the session today.

Question is will I sum up the courage to tell him about my paranoia and feel like a complete idiot or not.

Whatever I do I will feel like an idiot. I sit there talking to him about stuff and watching my body language get more and more ridiculous and saying things that I don't know why I really am saying them and rambling on and feeling more and more excrutiatingly embarassed. And he'll say something that I had not even thought of thinking of it in that way and that gets me completely dumbfounded. It's like I hear him say it, take it in, but I can't react at that moment. I have to take it home and churn away at it and then that can lead to paranoia or sometimes working it out. But by the time I see him the next time, so much else has happened that it is hard to just focus on what was bought up by the last session.

I think I will just have to see how the session pans out this time. Use my 'mindfulness' (Hah!)