Relationship Taking Time Away!!

[sweetgirl]

I had waited all day to have a phone conversation with my guy, since he told me he was having a bad day and needed to vent, I was looking forward to just listening. He sent me a text and said he would call after he got off the phone with his mom. When he did call he said she was going to call him back said he was all vented out, his meds were starting to kick in. He did share some of what was on his mind but he seemed distracted by text messages he was getting and then said...Moms calling I have to go. Something just hit me wrong and today I feel like I need to step back!! Is this ok or should I just tell him how I feel??

Before he was diagnosed with PTSD and before he came home from Afghanistan we had an issue with him trying to meet up with another woman and myself, he had even bought her a plane ticket to come see him! Him and I met first and he canceled her ticket and has never met her! We had a good relationship for awhile but then he shut me out and pushed me away....We didnt really talk for 3 months...When he did contact me again..we spent time together and he explained that he was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD and that was the reason for the push away! I still find myself every so often having trust issues with him but dont really voice them!!! UGGGHHHH!!!!

 

[JohnJohn]

I do not know how vested you are in this relationship, but whatever the facts are you must take care of yourself. It is a noble endeavor to support loved ones but not at a cost where we loose ourselves in the process. It sounds like you are being hit hard right now, so do what is ultimately best for you.

It is a tough situation no matter what choice you or any supporter makes. Hang in there and treat yourself for a change to help bolster you. Clear your thoughts as best you can and hang on to what is most precious, you. Anything you have left can be delegated to others.

 

[Tifanee]

I had almost the same encounter with my love last night. I'm excited everyday to be able to talk to him before I go to bed. We were on the phone for maybe 5 minutes and an uncomfortable topic for him came up. He brought the conversation up, so we start to discuss. Once he unloads, he says his phone is getting ready to die and he needs to go to bed. Fine, I realize it is making him uncomfortable so I say goodnight.

This morning I find out via facebook he stayed up late drinking with his roommate, and didn't sleep very well. I realize that a PTSD sufferer has a difficult time discussing things that remind them of their trauma. However, I also feel that if we could have finished our conversation he wouldn't have needed to drink and would have slept better. How in the world do I convey that without setting off a trigger?!? ughh!

Sweetgirl, I had doubts this morning when I got to work about if I can really be the support he needs. I wrote all my feelings out in an email and sent it to myself. Strangely it did help me feel better, but doesn't change the situation we are in.

We can be supporters to men who want us in their lives and are willing to put in some effort to heal, or we can be supporters to men who think it is okay to neglect us and use PTSD as an excuse for their behavior. Take care of yourself, and your heart. You have alot of support here and I wish you the best.

 

[sisu]

UGH!! I hate to hear this sweetgirl. But I always say, follow your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then most likely something isn't right. Your heart will lie and your head will lie - they both want love and will do anything to make it work. But your gut is that feeling, that intuition - if you are questioning it and you feel something isn't right, then you do need to ask him about it. Probably best in person the next time you are together. Honesty and trust are so important in any relationship - AND both parties need to be honest and trustworthy.

Not really sure how serious your relationship is....so it is sort of difficult to answer. If you are exclusve, then he shouldn't be talking to other women. If you are just dating and the relationship is not exclusive, then he can talk to and date other women, but he still shouldn't lie to you about it. Being 4 hours away would make it difficult for an exclusive relationship. I like to be with my BF as much as I can, and sometimes even 25 minutes away feels too far.

I guess my best advice would be to step back and decide what YOU want in this relationship. Take care of yourself and listen to that womens intuition. It's pretty amazing at times! :tup:

 

[sweetgirl]

I do need to step back and think!! Since our last visit things have been a little strained we enjoyed our time together spent a week like a real couple living together..it was amazing but I think it may have gotten to close for him and it seems right now he is finding ways to pick apart everything I say. Right now I am just trying to stay positive and focus on the things in my life. Worrying about the things he says is consuming to much of me and stressing me out!! My gut instinct goes back and forth and sometimes I tend to over think things or maybe its because I am not getting the smooshies as we call it from him!! I am just going to breathe for now!! You all are wonderful and keep me going..Thank you so much!!

 

[ProudWife99]

I also feel that if we could have finished our conversation he wouldn't have needed to drink and would have slept better. How in the world do I convey that without setting off a trigger?!? ughh!
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I would advise to be careful with these kind of thoughts. Voicing them here I think is absolutely fine, but in my experience coming at a sufferer from this perspective can only create more distance. For the longest time I thought if my husband would just TALK to me instead of walking away when our conversations became too much, I could make him feel better. It pissed me off to no end that we'd get right in the middle of something and he'd shut down on me.

One night I had enough and I all but forced him to stay and talk to me. In doing so, he stopped trusting to even tell me the smallest of things, because I would push him. I had to learn that I am not his T or qualified to be. I am his wife and the best I can do is create an environment where he feels safe.

I guess what I'm saying is that for the sake of both of you, do not kid yourself with the idea that anything you say can/will fix him. It won't. You need to realize that just as much as he does. I hate how harsh that sounds, but if someone would have smacked me upside the head with it earlier in my marriage things may have been smoother.

Sweetgirl - Try not to overanalyze. You cannot rationalize his behavior, as sometimes it is not rational. PTSD follows a logic that someone who doesn't have it cannot begin to understand. The trust issue is a large one, however. Even in the most healthy of relationships, trust is necessary.

 

[sweetgirl]

He did just call me explained his new stress, where he rents has decided to put the house up for sale so he is unsettled especially since he is leaving for 20 days to do inspections in Japan! I talked a little bit about finding this site and how much it has helped me, he says he can see a bit of change in me and is glad I have found this place! I told him that I needed to set some boundaries and he totally agreed with me! So we will be talking about them later! I am glad to say that him and I do communicate very well or try to! I guess its more me trying to understand him since I dont yet know the exstent of his PTSD or his triggers tho I can usually sense things!! As for the trust issue it needs to be addressed but think that is a face to face conversation. He does tell me I tend to overanalyze!!

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Sweetgirl,

As others have said, only you can judge your situation.

However, from reading your posts I can't see what is in this relationship for you, what is it about this situation that makes it fun and feeds your needs?

Perhaps if I understood what was worth fighting for I might have a better starting point for offering my thoughts.

 

[sweetgirl]

I am as of lately asking myself the same question!!! Before my last visit I was feeling happy and content since then I have been very edgey and emotional!! We had touched on me moving there but never resolved it!! Since then he seems to have pulled away some! It feels very strained right now!!