Talked To Mom Over Mother's Day

[EloiseLandau]

...she thinks it's my sister's fault I'm the way I am. And it could never be hers because she tried her very best (her words), which I guess she did between neglecting me, shaming me for breathing too loud, getting pissed when I got chronically ill, and sometimes beating my butt because I left crumbs on the counter, and siding with the guys who raped me.

But it's not her fault. She only hit me when I deserved it, she insists. And her feelings are hurt because my sister pretty much disowned us, herself. And that's not her fault, either.

sigh.

And she wonders why I don't call her much.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Eloise))) I think sometimes the rule book that says the parent is meant to be the stronger one has to be thrown out the window.

I hope that you can believe in your own strength, without her.

 

[intothelight]

Eloise,

People don't change unless they want to. Sounds like your mom has a way of blaming everyone else but taking no responsibility for her own actions. Don't expect her to change and expect your phone calls or visits to go like they usually do.

Maybe your sister had the right idea? Sometimes the toxicity of relationship makes it too hard to continue.

Wishing you peace.

Debbie

 

[Philippa]

I think when people feel the need to blame anyone else, it usually means that deep down they are questioning themselves, but it's just too painful and uncomfortable to consider that she might be the one at fault here...so she's blaming everyone else.

It's the same with my parents. Blame everyone else, to cover up the insecurity niggling at them, that it might be them. Scary stuff to admit to for a parent I'd imagine.

It would basically mean your mother would have to admit that she failed to protect you...and what mother wants to admit that she failed in her role, and job in life? Not many.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry Eloise and get why you don't call very much.

I was talking to my DIL and she said her parents have never apologized for anything, well, never have mine and I just can't imagine it!! I asked her if she could imagine doing that to her children and she said, "of course not!", exactly!

I'm passed the point of expecting any real apology from my mother, yes, she has apologized for "not understanding me" (thanks!) but not for the 100s of times she simply hung up on me or told me I will end up a bitter, lonely, old woman. Yeah, thanks again. If I confronted her she would simply tell me she doesn't remember it so I don't.

As long as I am not like the chain is broken.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Eleanor]

The idea, I think is to break the chain (to hijack your metaphor Rain!) And you guys are doing a super job. It is like everything else, you have to practice on the small things to be able to shift the big ones. We apologize the Lexi when we do stuff wrong (and that happens, pretty much daily.) So we'll have a track record when we get to big stuff. My H's dad actually apologized to him late in life. Many many years after the abuse, and after a many year separation (not announced, just lived a long way away, and my H is not a great phone caller). H went to visit, and after his step mother went to bed, his father apologized out of the blue. What H didn't know was that two of his other three half-siblings had basically stopped seeing him for YEARS as well. I have to think my H's father was a bit unusual tho, as he managed to somehow instill a rather strong (and occasionally rigid) moral compass in three out of four of his children.

I remind myself: You can't get blood from a turnip (and I don't even like turnips)
"It doesn't matter what you feed them, that toy poodle is never going to grow into a St. Bernard."

They are what they are. And that is all we have to deal with. :(

From what I can tell, it is the people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and who lack empathy and a commitment to the truth who end up lonely and bitter. The other kind? Not so much. Almost never really.

Very brave of you to call Eloise. And I'm sorry she's not a far better mother.

 

[circe47]

I'm sorry Eloise and get why you don't call very much.

I'm passed the point of expecting any real apology from my mother, yes, she has apologized for "not understanding me" (thanks!) but not for the 100s of times she simply hung up on me or told me I will end up a bitter, lonely, old woman. Yeah, thanks again. If I confronted her she would simply tell me she doesn't remember it so I don't.

As long as I am not like the chain is broken.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Everyone already said it all. I agree with them. I am sorry your mother cannot change and look at what she has said and done to you over the years.

You deserved a mother who loved and sheltered and protected you and kept you safe. I am glad you survived it all to be the person you are today, nothing like your mother. My mother hated me. I know how it feels. Wishing you the very best in whatever you decide.

 

[circe47]

I meant to reply to this thread with a quote, and I'm afraid I didn't do it right, hence the repeated response from me above. What I wanted to say to say is that I also have never received an apology, and my mother still blames me for her lack of control.

She never, ever stops to consider that maybe, just maybe, she might have done something wrong. Here a a couple of examples that a sane person would consider ludicrous:

• When I was five and my sister two, mother left me alone to watch my sister while she went out in the back yard to weed the garden. Sister eventually got out the front door and wandered off and I got whipped for it. Having once had a five year old myself, I am more than qualified to say that in no way is a five year old capable, nor should be expected to look after a toddler. But, that was MY FAULT.
  
  
• When my brother was four and I was three, we got into mother's oil paints and got black paint all over her brand new gold carpet. The paints were left under her bed, and we got into them while she slept. She woke up to us giggling. Having once had a child that was once three and then five myself, I am more than sure my butt should have been awake every second he was, to make sure he never got into things I left within his reach. Me and brother got bathed in turpentine, whipped, then tossed into a cold garage in our underwear. But that was OUR FAULT.

From what I can remember, my childhood was punctuated with experiences like these. Yet, when I try to explain how ridiculous her justifications are, she won't even listen. So, long story short, I KNOW the truth. I don't need an apology from someone who is clearly deluded. I am never going to get one, so I just accept the fact that at heart, mother is still just a seventeen year old who has no clue how to bring up a child correctly.

As for calls, I can't say that I am very fond of calling either. As I said before, my mother has her favorites. So, when she isn't ignoring and blaming, she's extolling the virtues of the "golden one." This makes it even worse for us that are always to blame...LOL!

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have been away the past several weeks because I had to make a scientific poster to present my research data from school. And then after that was final exams, and right on the heels of that are graduation ceremonies this weekend. My parents will not be attending; you need a ticket to attend.

One of my mom's primary protests is that she didn't do [place punishment here] that often. Or it was a long time ago. Or she didn't think it was a big deal.
She is the sort of person who is charming to the world, but I guess I wasn't part of the world. I tend to wonder if I grew up in an alternate reality where this Other Mother raised me and this one was all peach pie. Except I remember too much and too easily, like when she held me with the needles after giving me an injection of medication, refusing to pull out the needle from my skin while she told me what awful crime I committed as a 6 year old or so.
And the relief when she thought that maybe I came to her with PTSD....! It was nearly obscene.

Anyway, thank you everyone, hugs!

 

[Eleanor]

I'm picturing me in the audience cheering for you! You'll know me, I'm the one with the air-horn! (I love graduations...)