(happy) Narcissistic Mother's Day

[Chava]

learned a lot of skills for managing my narcissistic mother....who eventually I went 'no contact' with....by googling (daughters of narcissistic mothers) and making it a project to study how they think and how to manage them and their manipulation.

That sounds...exhausting (but I'm really lazy about relationships, which isn't the answer either). It sounds like counter-control. Who wants to manage their disordered parent? Move away and let them manage themselves. Or work on personal boundaries but not management of another person (sorry, I might be primarily thrown off by the language here). If understanding their manipulation helps with creating boundaries for yourself, that makes good sense.

But, to be fair, I know it's also helpful to understand what makes them tick to a certain point (like helps me to know my mom had her own CSA history and her rage was largely NOT about me). But I will never spend any great length of time studying my parents in attempts to manage, manipulate, or even understand them perfectly. I let them be. And I have my own life.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava
Each to their own.

We all do what works for us. This works for me well as I like to study human behaviour. I see it as learning and maturing the same way as someone who does a degree in psychology would feel they were gaining an education.

I thought there may be something in there you could use.

I don't try to manage or manipulate. That is a game she plays and I dont participate.

I don't understand the need to add "I have my own life." I will assume you weren't making a judgement on whether my suggestions were of no use and a waste of my time. You may have been wanting to make a strong point, I understand.

I don't view these efforts as something to make our relationship better, I just like to learn and have an interest in this area. It was something I do not regret doing.

 

[Chava]

I don't understand the need to add "I have my own life." I will assume you weren't making a judgement on whether my suggestions were of no use and a waste of my time.

Yes, sorry for that tone. It was likely a little bit of my own "f*ck you" to my parents. That's all. I really have my own life. And with lots of distance, actually get along with them okay. Sorry I was kind of snippy. I should not have replied...I am sort of turned off by any language of managing or controlling anyone. Blehh. That's just me. But I live by myself and don't do relationships at all really, so that's not a winning option either.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava
I understand. I guess that is one thing I learned from studying this forum years ago. To take care to not taint my communication with other people with the emotions I feel through communicating with my mother.

It's a habit that can easily turn someone bitter and nasty and cause hurt to others who have done nothing to me, apart from discuss ideas.

I tell myself "Don't add to the hurt and pain with each interaction, take each one separately, this person knows nothing of my life. They don't deserve my anger".