Sexual Assault Talking

[fuzzypenguin]

I enjoy talking, when I'm in a good mood. I can talk about anything for a long period of time. That's one my weaknesses in therapy; I'll talk about one thing while trying to ignore what I really wanted to get at. My counselor knows this and will ask me if I covering up anything or taking up time. When it comes down to it, sometimes talking about certain things (the rape & self harm are the two main things) my mouth just won't open and if it does, nothing will come out. In the back of my mind, I've been more and more wanting to type out the rape, as a story. Writing it..no, not as easy. Even though telling it in words, forming it in words and making it so somebody else would understand it would be hard, but I think I can do it. I won't be doing it for the next couple months (I want to wait until I'm back at school so if I need to, I can see my counselor) because if I get triggered, it would be awhile until I would be able to get help. I feel like writing it out would help me heal. I just picture myself in the library sitting in a comfy chair, with my favorite hot drink nearby, and listening to music typing away. I think if I do it before the library gets full (aka when professors begin assigning homework & exams begin), if I have a little meltdown or freak out, little to nobody would see me no matter the time of day I'm there. My schedule is pretty empty, so as long as I get some time to myself, I think it's possible. Going back to school though is triggering for me. It happened in September, so once I get back to school it's almost like a mental countdown until that date. I rambled quite a bit away from what I originally planned on talking about. Ooh well. Anyways, maybe I'll hold off writing it until I'm back in therapy (if I go back) or the date as already passed (if I don't go back to therapy). A close friend of mine thinks I shouldn't go back because I'm just dwelling on it and I'm different, more out of it. They care a lot about me and want me to feel better. They don't think talking about it and dwelling on it is the best thing to do, and I understand where they are coming from. It's a sticky situation. I don't want to go behind their back about it, but I also don't want them to get mad at me if I do go back. I don't think they would be mad at me, just maybe upset and not understanding. I know talking about it, finding coping tips and tricks (apart from self harm and the other things I do) is healthy and part of recovery, but maybe I should also try to continue working on everything myself. Maybe I'll be able to find a workbook to work through or a book to read to help. I haven't seen my counselor since early May and I stopped going to group therapy (because the semester was ending) since around the same time. Maybe I can keep doing whatever I'm doing...even with my downfalls. I don't know though. If you have read this far down, thank you. It's just a rant. If you comment, please don't attack or word it so it sounds like an attack. I'm sensitive about those kinds of things especially more recently when I'm being ignored & attacked more and more, even by people who I thought I could trust.

-E

 

[Chava]

A close friend of mine thinks I shouldn't go back because I'm just dwelling on it and I'm different, more out of it. They care a lot about me and want me to feel better. They don't think talking about it and dwelling on it is the best thing to do, and I understand where they are coming from. It's a sticky situation.

I understand all of this. Is your therapist a trauma specialist? Is there the expectation to talk about everything and that will make it better? Do you work on other things, like grounding skills?

I've found it easy to complain about work in therapy but not go into anything I really need to work on, until I switched to a more body-oriented form of psychotherapy (and trauma focus). There isn't the expectation to talk about it so much...we work more on processing the emotions, working on self-regulation, gaining feeling of self empowerment, managing meltdowns, etc. With a lot of that work I did feel safer to talk a little bit about trauma stuff, but was also allowed to do so partly through writing.

Fact is trauma activation shuts down parts of the brain related to speech. Certainly many of us have trust and shame issues and that makes it hard. But even when I trust my therapist, I physically CAN NOT talk when really stuck in a body memory or activated state. She helps me get through it on a body-nervous system regulating level. And if I can put words together later, that's great.

It's great you have friends looking out for you. But you should talk to your therapist about this and not simply make decisions based only on their observations and your discomfort. Therapy is hard. If your therapist isn't helping you with grounding, or even aware of how this is affecting you, it's important to bring this all up. Maybe writing is okay. Maybe there are other ideas. But it's not true that you should be able to sit down and just talk about your trauma and get better. Maybe it seems like you are "dwelling" but letting go of therapy might not help...it sounds more like you are just stuck and need help understanding or moving forward with the process. If it's not with this therapist, maybe someone else. It's also been okay for me to just take a break from therapy before. But, to me it sounds like bringing a lot of questions to your therapist would help. Write them down if that makes it easier to bring up. Tell her how hard it is to talk, what your concerns are, what your friends notice, etc. See how she responds...maybe she can help map out a way through this for you.

 

[mytai]

I agree with @Chava it really depends on the type of therapy you are doing, and also if the therapist is a trauma specialist. Believe me it makes ALL the difference in the world when you've experienced therapy with a regular therapist, and then switching to one who is a trauma specialist.

Also Chava mentioned about body-oriented form of therapy. Not sure if what my T does is the same thing, but she is a heart-centered therapist which is uncommon in my country, but a lot more common in the USA. Thankfully my T went the US and did a lot of training there, and brought this kind of therapy work back with her. I don't understand why it works, but it does. It doesn't focus on reiterating every little detail of the trauma(s), but on where it is held in your body and learning how to release it from the body.

I also found that when I had trouble finding my voice in therapy that writing little notes for my T easier, and then she could ask questions from there. I found it easier to respond back to her when she asked a question, then just spouting off what was stuck inside my head at the time. The prompts helped, and it also helped my T at the time because I gave her the information she needed to help me, and then she helped me further by asking more about what I wrote. Now I have an easier time just voicing it to T, but that took a while, and I still on occasion have a hard time finding my voice depending on the topic.

Talking about it in therapy isn't dwelling on it unless you aren't going anywhere with it, if you find that you keep talking repeatedly about the exact same thing and finding no relief then it might be time to look into other therapists. Things will come up again in therapy, that much I've learned. I will think I've dealt with something and then 6 months down the road another piece to that pops up, but then I can deal with the new piece and go from there.

 

[Meadowsweet]

When I first went to therapy I would find that I physically would freeze and couldn't talk when I tried to speak about trauma - it wasn't not wanting to, it was that I physically couldn't form words to speak. So part of my therapy homework was to write down this particular trauma, whilst at home, using grounding techniques to help me to do that. Then I let my therapist read out what I'd written to me, then pushed myself to read it out loud to my therapist, and eventually I've become more able to talk about trauma.

Like others have said, an experienced therapist that has dealt with trauma will offer you the most benefits.

 

[watundah]

I have speaking problems.too. I also stutter in therapy but nowhere else in the world. I had to write some things and that helped. She still has to ask a ton of questions. I used to be painfully shy and that comes up in therapy and I'm horribly self conscious. Hated the focus on me as a child and that's what therapy is so I am kind of triggered in session. She wants us to start.some mindfulness exercises so I can grow accustomed to simply sharing space with her. Mind you, this is after 3 years with her already. It is so difficult to let another in to that depth required for healing and understanding. Hang in there and keep at it. I do!