Sexual Assault * Tears Begin To Fall * I Cant Do This As All...

[Nighteyes]

I have yet to set this to paper, to write about it. I have had anxiety attacks before, but thinking of actually committing it where others can see it, well that’s a feeling I haven’t felt in long time…terror. I don’t know why it terrors me so much, the worse is done right? I’m a survivor now right? Then way do I feel a victim, a pawn, a failure? Why do I reek of guilt or hopelessness and lose? My mouth is dry, my heart racing, and missing beats. Palms are sweating, my mind racing and for what? Really I don’t know why? Is it because I’ve been told for so long not to speak, not to tell? Or is it because I feel responsible? Feel it wouldn’t have happened if I just wasn’t born? Oh that dream I dream a lot… to never have been born, oh how things in this world could be so much better if that were the case right? How… I am one person…one of many… many who suffer right? Oh please don’t tell me I am alone… for I feel that everyday I wake.

I lived 17 years in abuse. My first memory was of abuse, the rest well are very selective, some suppressed some I just wont face.

I remember being little once. A young child of 3 maybe 4 years old, and sadly I don’t remember thinking anything of it when they began… like it was normal right? It was what we did, it’s what everyone does right? I see it now not as that child but as a detached object floating above, to afraid to force them to stop, to terrified that its all my fault… it is isn’t it? How else do you explain it?

I remember it happening again and again, day after day, night after night. I remember so many things… that I just don’t want to anymore!
For 17 years I suffered!!! So why do I still remain to suffer?
I moved away, I went to college… I drank the memories away.. I drank that life away, but sadly was drawn back into it when Daddy died…

A breaking point, I snapped, I tried for one last time to kill myself, to take the pain away for good, stupid EMT’s and all why did you bring me back?
Back to what… that right I have nothing now…

I left my family, the family of abuse, the family that was no good for me. I made my own family, a family of hope… but then why, why me as the victim did I have to lose it all? Why was I never good enough? Was I born to be hated? To be abused? To be a toy in their game?

Why is life so cruel?
I have nothing, yet everything…
I am a mother, a wife, a daughter in law… I mean something to these people, but why didn’t I mean anything to my own family? Why didn’t anyone protect ME! Just why…
(okay sorry this sound so horrible…and it doesn’t even begin to describe the abuse…)

 

[WonderingWhy]

Then why do I feel a victim, a pawn, a failure? Why do I reek of guilt or hopelessness and lose?

Those feelings and thoughts, although far from reality were instilled by the way your abuser treated you. They attempted to make you feel shame and embarassment and fear. That was what they counted on to prevent us from "outing them"

Is it because I’ve been told for so long not to speak, not to tell?

Exactly!

Or is it because I feel responsible?

Very common to feel like some how it must be at least partially our fault. :no: (But untrue)
My feeling on that is it is less scary to think we had some type of control over the situation, than the truth that it was out of our control completely. What we all did is survive inspite of all we had to endure!

Feel it wouldn’t have happened if I just wasn’t born?

It would have happened , just not to you.:(

How… I am one person…one of many… many who suffer right? Oh please don’t tell me I am alone… for I feel that everyday I wake.

I lived 17 years in abuse. My first memory was of abuse, the rest well are very selective, some suppressed some I just wont face.

:hug::hug::hug: Hun, you are NOT alone! Look at the total of members growing on this site!!!! This forum is proof "unfortunately" we all are not alone!

I see it now not as that child but as a detached object floating above, to afraid to force them to stop, to terrified that its all my fault… it is isn’t it? How else do you explain it?

Honestly I can not understand how these "monsters" can do what they do.:thinking: The one thing I do know for certain is that in no way was it your fault!

For 17 years I suffered!!! So why do I still remain to suffer?

We all will until we can face it and work through it and find our new "normal" and leave it as just part of our past.

I left my family, the family of abuse, the family that was no good for me. I made my own family, a family of hope… but then why, why me as the victim did I have to lose it all? Why was I never good enough? Was I born to be hated? To be abused? To be a toy in their game? Why is life so cruel?

It is not life that is cruel. It is people that do cruel things. I agree it seems unfair that long after the abuse it is us, the victims that continue to suffer. We need to realize that we do not have the power to change our past, only direct the path of our future!!!!!! To do that we must climb through or over all that TRASH in our past! Of course we need to sort through it or the stench will continue to linger.

I have nothing, yet everything…

I am a mother, a wife, a daughter in law… I mean something to these people, but why didn’t I mean anything to my own family? Why didn’t anyone protect ME! Just why…

Those questions I'm sorry will always baffle me/us. I can tell you one thing with certainty it is not you. You have proof yourself.Like you said the lovely family you have formed easily sees your value!

:hug: