Techniques Or Strategies To Build Ourselves?

[UmightKnowMe]

I have an awful time with letting what others say or do or even what I IMAGINE people MIGHT think or feel about me affect how I feel about myself and how I am doing. I don't trust my own judgement and opinions about things. I don't listen to my 'gut' instinct. My moods and confidence level can change at a drop of a hat depending on who I am around and what kind of mood they are in. This goes for self nurturing and comfort too. I don't have a clue how to go about doing that. This sort of thing probably helped perpetuate me getting into harmful relationships....and now that I am trying to recover it doesn't help me to help myself.

What kinds of things do you do to help you learn to be strong and care for and believe in YOU?

 

[UmightKnowMe]

Nobody has any techniques or tricks or skills or exercises they do to improve self worth/confidence?

 

[midi]

i get really anxious about these things too. so i do breathing exercises and try to eat healthy. eating or drinking foods with sugar or caffeine make the anxiety and self-doubt worse.

 

[TLight]

As far as the moods of others affecting you, I've had a very hard time with this too. I think it is due to the hypervigilance. I can pick up negative moods of others and it really affects me. I've been practicing putting up a shield of white light around me, a visualization. While I take a moment to do the visulaization, I'm asking for protection from my higher power. I truly believe this helps us to not 'take on' others negative energies. For they truly mean nothing about me, and they mean everything about the other person.

It's very hard. I'm coming to the realization that working around others might not be the best alternative for me, since this is very difficult. But try to have the firm knowledge in your head that you are responsible for others moods and they cannot and are not allowed to injure you with them.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[Dylan]

Hi UMKM,

I very much relate to your struggle; being unable to "hold on to myself" around others is a large part of why people are difficult for me (your idea, TLight, of it being hypervigilance-based really rang a bell for me).

So, your question: What kinds of things do you do to help you learn to be strong and care for and believe in YOU?

Here are the things that have made the most difference for me, in being present, feeling "solid"/real, etc.:

• Feeling my feelings without censorship
• Having tools to make sense of, and guide, my feeling in a safe way (I use a tool that's very similar to CBT)
• Doing cycles (again, the tool I use very similar to CBT)
• Doing check-ins (I set my computer timer at work, and wear a watch with a timer at home) where I practice grounding, being in my body/behind my own eyes (makes me take a break from default numbness and the constant scanning that I do). It really helps with putting me back behind my own eyes instead of trying to get behind everyone else's to try & read their reactions, etc.
• Finding one or two activities where I can enjoy myself AND where I feel safe enough to be more present (for me, it's hiking alone with my dog)
• Nutrition - sugar, caffeine, alcohol and junk food greatly increase my inability to concentrate, fuzzy thinking, depression and anxiety
• Exercise - really helps with mood, hypervigilance, depression, focus. Weights help me to feel physically strong and capable and more confident. Aerobics help me to be more present and in my body and gives me pride in my ability to take action (passivity is something I struggle with). Yoga greatly enhances my ability to be present in my body
• Meditation helps with being scattered and out of sorts (I do mindfulness/Vipassana meditation, but there are all kinds); it also helps with being kinder and more accepting toward myself (and others)

I think that pretty much covers it.

HTH-
-Dylan

 

[cyndi]

I have meditation techniques that help me a bunch. I've started to be able to use them more and more in the moment and it helps me get to a good place again, almost like being at home when I'm out in the world with all the people. It is a focus on who I really want to be. I want to be a loving, caring person, helping others instead of fearing them. I remove the story line of whatever is happening and try to imagine the emotion another is feeling. Identifying with it and facing it, I inhale it then let that emotion float away to the sky like a red balloon. Exhaling, I wish a comforting thought (like when I nuzzle with my cats or hunny) for myself and others. It releases the emotion but you get to keep the energy from it to fuel your day and having compassion for others erases fear. I find that when I use that, I am not only more relaxed, less fearful, but also thoughts and ideas flow more easily and I am more myself.

 

[cyndi]

Dylan, you were typing at the same time I was. I described the mindfulness technique I use :) You actually do those other things? I'm impressed. I haven't quite made it to the workouts at the gym (do some at home) but your stamp of approval that it does help might just help me have the extra motivation I needed to get off my butt and do it. Thanks.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

I like the idea of checkins every so often. And its interesting to read that others catch themselves not being 'behind their own eyes'. When I do the safe place visualization thingy I am always noticing I am watching myself be there instead of really BEING there. Last night I decided to change the person I was watching there to be my inner child and then I found myself there too (big me I mean). That was kinda different for me.

I'd be interested in hearing more about the tools you use Dylan.

Yes I do have my bowling league where I can check my ptsd at the door kinda (most of the time). It is so nice to play and relax and not have to think about stuff for a few hours!

Cyndi your meditation sounds interesting too. I think I am really seeing a lot of places that I need to get better at using my imagination to help with different aspects of getting better.

 

[trial'n'error]

I did some DIY meditation techniques I made up to ease my delusional thinking whenever my husband tried to disengage from a disagreement, especially if he physically left. I would completely melt down and sometimes even run after him.

The meditations were based on insights into exactly what thinking errors were causing my maladaptive behaviors, even though at that point (about 8 months ago) I did not remember/know why I was triggered. Basically, when calm, I realized that I was focusing on him thinking I was bad or disposable, then becoming quite distressed over that. The meditation involved chanting a phrase which represented the opposite of what my untrue thoughts were... using it as a mantra. I call/ed it self-brainwashing. For weeks, every day I would meditate and think to myself " I don't care what [his name] thinks of me." Even though that's not true either, it helped to alleviate my suffering and allowed me space to think other thoughts besides "I'm rotten...he hates me... he's leaving" etc.

This might work for other problems, I haven't tried it yet for anything else.

A side note, in the past two months I've realized that a main reason I get so violently triggered is that mom used to leave when us kids were "bad", most notably when I was no more than four, she got out of our car in the middle of a trip and walked away into the countryside. I was convinced (especially in light of the fact she used to tell us all the time our rotten behavior would make her have to go away) my behavior had made her leave the family once and for all. That feeling that I'd done something terribly wrong and caused a loved one to disappear (at the time I thought forever) is exactly the way I felt then, like a terrified little kid.

 

[freya]

Journaling helps me a lot. And meditation, and yoga.

 

[cyndi]

Trial'n'error,
That sounds interesting. Kind of a cognitive therapy focus on meditation. I will be thinking of that and see if I can work it into my meditations. That whole idea of if you can identify and change the belief behind a thought, you can change the behavior. I do similar with triggers, especially with my honey. I get triggered a lot from intimacy. I try to look at the trigger for a moment, then let the current thing that brought it up and is a good feeling attach to the bad one and be a stronger memory, like wrapping it up in a soft, cozy blanket. It seems to work and even fast enough that I don't have to stop every few minutes when kissing, etc. to have a trigger.

I'm sorry you went through that with your Mom. You were a kid, being a kid. Her stuff is what made her leave.

Another note on my meditations: when I am brave, I include my abusers in my meditations on compassion. It helps release the fear I have of them and makes them more human. I realize how confused it must be in their minds to have hurt another being so much. It is the way I can get close to forgiveness for me to let it go more. I know forgiving is supposed to help, but I have to make it seem different because I've had that shoved down my throat so much. (still a rebel at 34) teehee