General Teflon?!

[Nicolette]

From memory Amethist was the first one to say a Supporter needs to have the patience of a saint and the skin of a rhinoceros.

I think you also need to know when to use Teflon spray which as a member of staff we frequently have to use on this site. Some things need to slide past your emotion response center, your heart and straight off your back. Easier said than done I must say but this really applies to Supporters I fear.

Along time ago now Kathy wrote some good posts too about letting the small things go and learning to pick your fights as some are just not worth having with a PTSD Sufferer due to the meltdown or PTSD repercussions they cause.

While Anthony thinks I follow him around, I like to read some of what he has to say to other members as it helps me learn about his thinking and I can then compare it against my interpretation and gauge if there is any difference or not. This helps when dealing with him when he is sick.

A few days ago Anthony responded to someone and I can't for the life of me find the post. But he basically said that since going to war, the little things which someone like myself would think are a big deal, aren't a bit deal to him, if not being insignificant due to what he has seen, lived and been through.

So, from that I have come to realize that while I know he loves me and supports me, when he is being mean/cold towards me while being down from PTSD, and I get all hurt over it, he doesn't think it's such a big deal. While I don't encourage him being dismissive of my feelings, and it doesn't give me the support or even acknowledgement I may sometime emotionally need, it explains why I don't always get it.

I don't know how this applies to non-Combat related PTSD but it has helped me understand things a little better. I did not say like, but at least understand.

It would be good to just apply Teflon and not deal with the darker side of PTSD personally but then I figure we would not be humans and it would also change who we are. To be honest though I think being with someone who has PTSD changes you. :rolleyes:

Personally I discourage walking on egg shells when dealing with a PTSD Sufferer but I think there may be times when Teflon would come in handy.

 

[Barberian]

There are times I'm mean and snappy. I can't help it. I see the hurt response from my wife and it kills me a little inside. I don't want to hurt her, What I'm saying isn't meant to hurt her, it's usually a defensive behavior on my part. To push her away from the really dark stuff going on in me.

Yes I wish I had a magic can of teflon I could spray on her so my words would slide right off her during these times.

 

[amethist]

Things not being a big deal goes for non combat sufferers too Nicolette.

There have been a few times over the past few months, where something hubby has done has upset me big style, but he has just looked at me totally bemused by what I am trying to explain to him.

The only way I could get him to understand why I was so cut up, was to turn it round, asking him how he would feel if I did this or that, when I knew it would upset him.

He finally got it last time, but I know it will happen again, eventually.

Maybe I should use a good coating of chain lube instead of Teflon. :roflmao:

 

[maddog]

Wow, I feel there is some really profound stuff in this post, which may be beyond the capacity of my rather low level of cognitive functioning for now, but I'll take a stab.

I spotted both similarity and difference in what you wrote as it relates to my own circumstances. Whether that reflects the similarities and differences between combat and "complex" PTSD, I don't know, but in my case, I find I am in fact overly sensitive and hyper-reactive to the feelings and mood states of others, particularly as they relate to me. In other words, if I perceive that someone is upset with me, or that something I have done may have hurt or angered someone, I will tend to get 10 times more upset and affected by that than they are, and will hold onto it, and to the negative feelings associated with it, until long long after it makes rational sense to do so.

For that reason, I think that those around me in my "supporter" circle do indeed need the teflon paint spray, but perhaps for the opposite reason. Rather than needing to be able to shrug off my lack of caring, they probably need to be able to shrug off my hypersensitivity an emotional volatility, lest they find themselves walking on those proverbial eggshells in an attempt to not give the appearance of being upset by me, which would in turn trigger me to become more upset... etc etc etc.

Confusing and bizarre, I know, but I hope that makes at least some partial sense.

Sadly, I think that my supporters need the teflon for a different, perhaps more common, reason as well. In some sort of gross contradiction of what I have just said, I do tend to be blandly dismissive of others' feelings in terms of remaining socially connected. I am prone to isolating myself significantly, in spite of the best efforts and patient persistence of others to stay connected with me, and I know that there is capacity for this avoidant behaviour to be very hurtful to those who try so hard to help and support - hell, I read about it every day from the supporters on this forum.

It sounds almost insulting to say that people should "not take it personally", because how can you not. But to the extent to which that is possible, I really do mean it when I hope that my supporters "don't take it personally".

This is interesting, important stuff to ponder.

Maddog

 

[amethist]

From memory Amethist was the first one to say a Supporter needs to have the patience of a saint and the skin of a rhinoceros.

It was me Nicolette, and I still think it fits, as well as having the strength of an Ox to keep going.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think perhaps there is a chance that finding understanding for PTSD reactions can bring about positive change in people.

Maybe its just me, but sometimes socially conditioned responses seem so false. People say what they're expected to say, but they don't really mean it with their heart. And we're conditioned that recieving certain responses is meant to make us happy.

And I think sometimes our society has got it wrong by creating all those social expectations, rather than getting to know peoples individual ways.

It would be nice if people could just say, that person likes to be quiet when they're in pain, and this person likes lots of hugs and attention. But when people don't understand that their expectation hasn't been fulfilled, too often they use a negative to blame the other.

So I think its positive when expectations are challenged. We have to re-evaluate whether we really need what we thought we did.

It works both ways. I've got kind of used to expressions like 'awww bless'. I don't know what it means, but if its what someone wants to hear, then sometimes its ok for me to say it.