Telling Others About Your Past

[Saphy]

Only one person in my life knows the true and complete extent of my trauma. That is my ex who I dated for six years. I find myself at a very tough time in my life where I want to actively approach my PTSD but do not have any support. I had asked my ex recently to help me but I feel we are still too young to seriously help each other without trying to instigate issues or start up a new relationship/friendship. Although we say we won't I don't think I can handle any fights or another relationship with him. However, being that he is the only person I have ever told everything too I think I made an error and put all my eggs in one basket. I don't know what to do. I'm really scared and I don't think I'll be able to actively try and fix my life anymore. I truly don't want to turn back but I just can't tell my story anymore. I'm tired of reliving it almost every day and I just can't take a few hours to describe how much I was really hurt throughout my formative years. Can someone please suggest something? I don't want to tell this much detail to a T because it messes with me that someone I can't approach whenever holds that much info. I'm also very paranoid about being hurt by those who caused me trauma... and so I am very picky about who I tell. With that in mind, how can I even try to get through this without being able to cry and express my pain to those around me or at least just a close friend. I'm in a college where word spreads like wildfire. I can't trust a single soul here not even an authority figure due to personal privacy issues. The college is great but I always feel so alone because I can't express how I really feel. Please give me suggestions, I've been really distressed about this all weekend. Thanks.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Even if my performance starts to go, I still do not tell anyone. I keep quiet. That is just my way.

I am not sure why anyone would ever need to know.

So I do poorly on a job. I can't keep that job even if I tell my supervisor. If I have too many days off, I am gone no matter the reason. And I would not want special treatment anyway. If I mess up and I get a free pass, well that just pisses me off.

So in my mind, I never ever see a need to tell unless it's a partner.

Now don't get me wrong. I WANT TO TELL, want to explain my weirdness, want to be able to let people see me how I am ,but that is all movie crap. People mostly are just curious or don't care.

I rarely find someone worthy of telling. So I will tell no one.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Saphy----that is a hard one. Being alone around so many people. I solved that problem by I quit talking. I just became the silent autistic one. They just thought I had autism. LOL. Lonley, yes, but I can't open up and know that I am not like them.

THere are other kids with trauma, that is true, but they seem to have friends to talk to and they drink and they are together a lot. I can't do that.

 

[Srain]

Only one person knows most of my story only because she has known me the longest and shares a lot of the same issues. I am retelling parts to my tdoc but on the whole no, I don't tell people, why would I? It's long and it's ugly and it's depressing.

As for work, no, I have always let my employer know I suffer Migraines but I was not aware of the PTSD at the time. Your situation was different, your boss was told not by you but someone else. I would not mention it but rather stay with my original diagnosis seeing as it causes less inquisition and explanation.

As far as friends, mine all suffer some form of "issue" so I don't get questions about it, they know it but only that I go to therapy and the occasional mention here or there about something regarding my past. Sometimes we talk about things but mostly just the lighter side of it all which helps so much to get through all of this.

I obviously spell some things out right here on this board, this is me...like it or not ...I say what things have happened as I am ready to write them. I do that so I can actually say them to my tdoc or print it and hand it to her. I am hardly concerned with who reads it here, what happened happened. If you happen to know me then well, so what.

I truly believe, though, it's an individual decision. Always look inside and stop, sleep on it, and make your own decision.

peace,
Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it has to be only with those who need to know, or have the capacity as it were- or heart- to not only have compassion or empathy but a greater understanding of (a) Bigger Picture. Respectful, non- judgmental, but also- some greater understanding of the impact/ implications.

Yikes- not sure of the words- "A heart that 'gets it' ".
Like my mom used to say- not just who 'recognizes' something but who 'values it'.
-JMHO, of course.

 

[TLight]

I've been thinking about telling my 'barn mates' at the stable. I see them everyday, hang out, I'm connecting a bit. At the end of the day I feel like I'm hiding my true self and I hate that feeling. I hate the shame I feel by not being able to tell them I'm on disability, I'm ashamed I have to make up stories about what I did all day or what's happening in my life, because I kinda don't have a life besides them and therapy.

Sometimes, after a therapy session I want to share that I'm doing trauma work and how incredably difficult it is, but I can't. I can't reveal who I really am and what is really going on in my life, like they all do.

I feel like I have to hide, and I've done nothing wrong. Why should I have to be hiding behind this facade of normal.

Somedays I want to just say, "Girls, I have a mental disorder that's really debilitating sometimes (well a lot of times). To come out and say I have PTSD and DID and I'm medicated and in therapy...well, the possible judegment and how it would change the relationships is just too risky for me.

I'm applying for jobs, want a life, but I can't really drive cause I dissociate so badly it is dangerous. So I sit at home all day, ghostwrite for cheating students, and then go to the barn, dissociate in the car and find my only comfort in my horses. They are all I have and they are always genuine and caring with me. Humans? Well, that equates to danger.....but it also results in danger and possibly even more uncomfortableness.

 

[kimba]

I have only told one person alot of details outside my T and that is my best friend who is closer to me than my own sister. I told one other friend after I was diagnosed with PTSD and just gave general information about the traumas.
Both have been supportive and my best friend especially is much better at being careful not to overburden me with her "stuff". It has actual made us closer on a deeper level.