Telling Story With No Emotion

[Arak]

Hi - yep, to answer your question, my T does believe me...he's not sat there thinking I'm making anything up...he mainly seems concerned that I am not upset/emotional about what I'm discussing.

The primary thing we're working on is getting me "out of" my analytical, intellectualising "head" and into body, with physical feeling and emotion...this is extremely tough and at times very alien and frightening.

 

[Reallysucks]

@uhote
I could have written much of how you feel myself. It is amazing how I feel like someone crawled in my head and wrote down what I am thinking.
Thank you guys for responding. I don't feel quite so weird now. I don't know exactly how to talk about all of this or even how to bring it up but I will certainly try.

 

[Tekis]

The emotions were dissociated...common coping mechanism. I did some of that a while ago.

Feelings will come later. Learn coping skills prior to their arrival, because they will obviously suck.

-Stickler

 

[Isu]

.....
Feelings will come later. Learn coping skills prior to their arrival, because they will obviously suck.

-Stickler

Wise, wise words.

 

[Reallysucks]

I shared a pretty horrible story Thursday. It was exhausting and I am still reeling from the after effects. It lacked emotion and, other than trying to rub a hole in my leg, I could have been talking about what was for dinner. I slipped off into never world a few times and he told me I needed to stick with him in the here and now and be present. That was hard bc I felt the panic rise and I wanted to go away. I did go away. He asked me to call him if I needed him. I wouldn't because that brings up a whole other set of crap; dependency, abandonment, rejection. I feel like I have jumped out of a plane without a chute. I am incredibly scared. This is the first time I have shared anything out loud. I wrote some things down for my previous therapist but we never really discussed them but instead discussed the subject if that makes sense. I left feeling sick, very sick and hoping I made the right choice. I still feel like I will walk in next time and he will tell me he can't help me and leave. Is that something I should tell him? AND I am mad at myself for even caring if he said that. I have NEVER been dependent on anyone. I haven't had the emotional capacity to handle being dependent. People leave and nothing is forever so I prefer to see all relationships as temporary and be prepared to move on when necessary.
Good lord I am f'd up....

 

[Esi]

I do this too. I think of it happening to little (my name) and not me. Like I wasn't even there.

 

[Reallysucks]

I am reeling from my session where I spilled my guts. On the inside, I have all of this emotion that is bubbling up. I feel like I want to hole up and be alone. Thanksgiving is next week. Traditionally those are not good times for me anyway. And then here I am ANONYMOUSLY posting. I am too freaking weak to even post under a name that no one even can identify anyway. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror today. I am going to church, head to my sons ball game and then home and I think I will lay around the rest of the day. Not like me....

 

[Vurak]

@Rs - The first time I told my T asked about a shameful event from childhood, I could barely get it out and later that day after leaving his office, I hated myself for telling him.

That was the effect of toxic shame. Like acid, it burns when spilled out, but telling it was the only way I could normalize the events locked up inside and destroying me. The shame I felt was self-imposed. I have learned since that the abuser did the shameful part, and I just carried the scars and effects from the memory.

What you've described seems to be a common experience for those of us carrying the uncommon wounds inflicted on us.