Telling Your Partner About Sexual Abuse...

[Maggiemay]

Been trying to write this post for days, unsuccessfully!!...

Well, after T pushing for over a year that I told my man about sexual abuse and her giving up trying as I wasn't prepared to... Finally, on Wed I had to tell him. We'd been away at the weekend, he did something sensual and I reacted badly (I have no memory whatsoever of this!!! I blatantly dissociated!!). He took it personally and brought it up on Wed, and wouldn't drop the subject - he was hurt and his pride was dented. I ended up being very tearful and saying it was complicated. He kept on and on and on... I had to tell him, I felt backed into a corner with no way out. Sigh. In some ways I feel relieved that the truth is out, but I'm waiting for him to run away... How have your partners reacted when/if you've told them? How do u ever get over it enough to allow your partner to be intimate and find it pleasurable, rather than abusive? :s

 

[stormy]

Oh, Maggiemay, I understand this all too well!

When I told my husband, it was a read between the lines kind of way, but, the truth was out anyway. He really didn't want to discuss it, so the subject was dropped, and we went about things as if I'd never said a thing.
This was about 8 years ago and since it's only brought up when he's mad at me because I'm not very intimate and he says he feels like he forces me to do anything, which makes me feel terrible.

It's difficult. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to share with you, but sadly, I have yet to find the answers. I am sure, however, that there are ways to overcome and have a positive outcome at some point.

 

[Maggiemay]

*Hugs* thanks for sharing. It's so hard to think things can be different and what was abusive 20 years ago can be pleasurable now??!! So messed up!!! I trust him, but I can't help how I react... I've had a lot of visual and somatic flashbacks when he's tried to be intimate in the past... This time I must have dissociated completely as I have no recollection. Not a surprise tho as that's what I did back then! He was ok about it all - I guess for him it explained things. I am very sensitive to touch and any kind of intimacy. He knows I'm in therapy & on psychometric drugs so not totally out of nowhere I guess...

 

[littlelostchild]

@Maggiemay my hubby is amazing about it. We've been together since we were 18 and now we are in our 50s. He said I told him not to approach me from behind when we were not long together as my father had raped me. He never asked as we were kids, but did as he was told.

Now he is actually in my therapy sessions when I discuss the abuse as a support person. He tells me how much he loves me. But we don't have sex and we don't talk about that. I think it is because he is so loving and protective and he understands that it would be so difficult for me. When we did make love, he would always initiate it, but it is a goal to get back to intimacy again.

Congratulations on being brave and discussing it with your hubby!

 

[Maggiemay]

I freeze if he tries to cuddle me from behind! He always initiates any intimacy and I don't reciprocate as too busy trying to keep flashbacks at bay, repeating in my head over and over that I'm safe now... We've been together 2 1/2 yrs and never had sex, he hasn't pushed, but I feel like I'm letting him down...sigh

 

[littlelostchild]

Have you discussed all this with him? Do you think he would understand?

 

[Maggiemay]

Not discussed with him, worried how he'd react, but I guess I've started to let him in by being honest about the abuse, hopefully things will be easier in the future...

 

[livefree]

<moderator edit to eliminate fully quoted post>

 

[livefree]

I'm new, reading a lot of different posts has been really helpful. This topic really struck me. I'm gay and was abused by multiple men over 30 yrs ago. I didn't tell anyone (including my T at the time) . Four yrs later I got involved with my current partner and I still question why I told her everything right at the beginning. She has been supportive at times. I finally went back to therapy 7 yrs ago & we are in couples therapy. She doesn't like telling me when she's coming behind me (after 30 yrs together) and when she's angry she lets me know how I've messed up our sex life. She found out about my flashbacks during sex and now she asks each time about those. So,in case I wasn't having a flashback her comment pretty much stops everything. We are making a huge investment in therapy, I hope it pays off.

 

[Maggiemay]

*Hugs* All the best for you - it'sgreat that you've been able to be so honest :) x

 

[joeylittle]

@livefree , I've edited your first post in this thread to remove what was only a full quote of a previous post. You might want to visit the Testing forum to play around with how quoting works. For future reference, if you accidentally post an entire quote, you have 30 minutes (as a regular member) in which to edit it.

And taking off my moderator hat: @Maggiemay , I think you're doing great. Talking is important. My partner totally shut down when I tried to tell him - a big reason why he's now my ex. You are allowed to be fully yourself with the person you share your life with: and that includes the hard and scary bits too. Your relationship - and your recovery - will be better for it.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks @joeylittle :)