Telling Your Partner About Sexual Abuse...

[Aching65]

@maggienay. Thank you for sharing, it is awesome. I learned most of what I know about trauma (which is probably close to nothing) on here, and it has been a real eye opener...... Is your husband reading on this site too?

 

[Maggiemay]

He's not my husband, doesn't even live with me - despite being together for 2 1/2 yrs I only see him about once a week... I'd never let him know about this site - it's somewhereiI can talk anonymously. Years ago I used to be on a depression forum, which my family found out about & read my posts... It nearly got me sectioned... *sigh* x

 

[Aching65]

i understand @Maggiemay, totally. I am also fearing the day my partner, who is the one with PTSD find out about my posts. But it helped me a lot to get some kind of understanding....

 

[Maggiemay]

*Hugs* I learnt the hard way... Xxx

 

[bluebird]

Hi, @Maggiemay , I think you have done well for telling your partner. From my own experience, it is the only possibility to get through this together - being honest. Otherwise, it is very easy for me to slip into the old habit of "closing my eyes and waiting, until it all ends". It was really destroyig in my previous relationships (despise the fact I only got ususally as far as kissing and holding hands).

I was breafly kind of dating my close friend recently. We decided not to stay together, due to some other issues, but we remained friends. He already knew about my past, about the flashbacks and everything. I often got flashbacks after kissing him, it always made me start crying, shivering, almost fainting... He knew what was going on and therefore could have helped me to come back. He also knew it was not caused by him. Thought, it was difficult for him to stop blaming himself for my pain - I kept telling him I was not reacting to his actions at this very moment. He was really very caring and understanding about all these matters. He never pushed me into anything, in fact, he was being very careful about intimacy since I had had by first flashback with him.

During this short time, while being with somebody who understood, I was able to stay present while holding hands or hugging, sometimes for really long time. I have never realised that intimacy with a man could have meant something pleasant for me... I was - and still am - really glad he knew.

Do you think it would be helpful if you were the one who initiates being intimate?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first told my husband he did not believe me but after being in therapy for so many years he wanted to off my abusers. He became as supportive as he could and I worked on being more intimate with him. Not perfect but better than it was before.

 

[ghotiff]

I have always told everyone I have dated as my "quirks" made it mandatory to tell. Having said that I only ever told them the broad information, no details. I've been with my husband over a decade and he knows very little details and I'm glad I've kept the details away from him.

 

[Aching65]

just a little question. what makes it a bad idea for most to tell your partners ? They do not believe ? they run away ? they don't treat you appropriately ? or is it just that you give away too much of yourself, of your trauma in the process ? From my perspective, I know I would be much more supportive and would do my best to help the best i can. But I understand not everyone would react my way ...

 

[joeylittle]

I didn't try to tell mine for so long because I was afraid he would find me disgusting, that it would make it impossible for him to see me the same way he used to. But I know that fear was all about my own insecurity. It sucked that he rejected my attempt to tell him, but it also confirmed (for me) that there was something wrong with us as a couple.

Now, I believe I'd handle it all differently.

 

[Aching65]

thanks @joeylittle it is a really tough topic and decision .... so personal.

 

[ghotiff]

To use an untrue (and hopefully non triggering) example to try to explain why I would not share details.

If my abuser would massage my feet and this was a trigger for me then I would have have two choices if my husband was really "into" that. If it was a major trigger, I could tell him I don't like it or, if it's something I could push through, I could let him sometimes, or for short periods.

If I had told him that this was part of my abuse then that takes it away from him forever. I would never be able to push through (and him be unaware) if he knew about that detail.

My goal (and experience) has always been that some things have got easier over time, but I would not have that opportunity if he was aware and hypersensitive to all these details/things.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[livefree]

Its been pointed out to me that I told her early on to see if she would run away and she didn't, yay. I know she hates that it all happened and I don't like her to feel bad for me. I didn't believe what was going on was ptsd until the past year or 2. I have a lot of shame because I thought it all happened because I was weak, made some wrong friends and bad choices. I hate being weak. I also think it would show my weakness if she knew about this website and my posts.