Childhood Confused about Sexual abuse

[Gs172003]

I disagree. A caring father would have felt uncomfortable to continue doing it in front of his little girl if he had boundaries and a sense of privacy himself.

I just read back through the forum and somehow missed the part where she discribed the incident.
Him inviting her in definitely says abuse. Period.

 

[Sideways]

I think that because I was kidnapped by my dad

Your dad could have been combing his hair and it would be traumatic (psychologically and neurologically) if you had been kidnapped by him at the time...

 

[TruthSeeker]

Kidnapped-a critical detail to the story. Kidnapping is against the law, as is child abuse. I'm sorry you have those memories. I have my own childhood memories of a little sister, adoring her big brother, who used this great relationship to abuse her, then tear her emotionally to shreds later in life (retraumatize). Memories can be hard.

 

[TruthSeeker]

This is the part u lose me. Why is it abusive?on some level I know it is but deep down it feels normal

In life, there are socially, morally/ethically and legally appropriate boundaries between parents and children, males and females, bosses and co-workers, and other types of relationships. A parent's duty is to teach his/her child where boundaries are by teaching values and basic rules of conduct. When parents are clear on teaching and following through (modeling) boundaries (consistent socially appropriate behavior) the child has a clear sense of right and wrong with respect to a whole host of behaviors. In your case, the behavior in question is "masturbation in front of children" and the value of acknowledging/teaching the importance of privacy.

In your case, you have to ask if this is appropriate behavior. It is clear that you are unsure. In my opinion, you may not have been ta taught that sex is a private matter. By crossing a boundary, masturbating in front of a little child who has no value set, this allows for this behavior (masturbating with a child) to be learned by the child as normal. But it is not considered normal by society. The same is true if you grow up secluded, and daddy drinks all the time. It is always normal for daddy to have a rum and coke in his hand....and growing up watching it...drinking all the time is normal. Parents are your first teachers. They can teach you socially appropriate behaviors and boundaries, or fail to do so. When a parent fails to teach socially appropriate boundaries, then later on in life that child has a higher risk of becoming abused as a teen/adult.

Privacy is a boundary. If you walk into the bathroom and someone is on the toilet taking a leak, you accidentally intruded on their privacy-socially acceptable behavior requires you to walk out. A common boundary-men and women wear clothes in public and don't share visually their sexual parts (Privacy) (unless they are intending to have sex.) If your parents are in bed, and you had a bad dream, you should have been taught to knock when the door is shut-theme is Privacy. If you walk in a room and two people are making out hot and heavy, you don't stand there and stare-you walk out because of privacy. If someone is having sex with themself, they don't share their body and it's functions with their child (adults share their bodies with adults)-but that is misuse of parental control and power and by society considered abuse.

Appropriate behavior in front of children is a parental expectation. When that boundary is crossed intentionally, it is abuse because little 3 year olds internalize daddy having fun self-sex as normal. In this instance (IMO) daddy didn't care about teaching you right from wrong, daddy cared about his own immediate gratification. If he invited you in, he included you in his own sexual gratification-and you became a viewing participant to his self-gratification. A child will see this only as a game because they haven't developed a moral sense of self (it doesn't feel wrong-you can always trust your parents because they are there to protect and keep you safe, teach you what's right in the world, right?)....Viewing is the trust building stage. Daddy makes it look fun like a game. Watching is the first step to building trust with an inappropriate sexual behavior. Once trust is built and you enjoy watching daddy play with himself, daddy can reward his child for not telling. As time passes, the child will see this as normal and want to help daddy "play" cause he's having fun, now you have a secret and a secret makes the child feel special. If it continues, daddy could be further gratified by have a willing partner who keeps secrets. Abuse is often a process. Viewing and secrecy are the first step to trust building an abusive situation.

 

[b.matt]

This is the part u lose me. Why is it abusive?on some level I know it is but deep down it feels normal

Hi ppippi,
I want to say, firstly, that I am only offering my opinion here, and that my opinion is based pretty much entirely on my own CSA experiences. Okay.

So to me, what makes this abusive is the vulnerable and impossible position that it left you in...the days and weeks after that experience. At that stage in life you're being told that sex is bad, so it probably seemed like all of society essentially saying that what had happened to you was wrong, and you're stuck in the middle powerless to explain that you didn't really ever say it was okay. Then you're told that you have to say something if sexual stuff happens to you, and you're already hiding it so you definitely won't say anything now...so on top of everything else (at a formative age) you are already carrying all of that shame. The experience and everything around it becomes linked with shame, the experience becomes your fault. You stop trusting your feelings because they don't make sense? In me at least, this really laid the groundwork for a lot self-doubt and the belief that I am a bad person.

If this is hitting any marks for you, then keep reading...there is a point, I promise. But first I need to try and explain one more thing. The part where it felt normal.

If I were to present you with a child who had experienced the same thing you did. Would you tell that child it was normal? If you did, would you truly believe it? (For the record, it isn't normal). Of course its normal, to you...in hindsight...but if you think back, I'll wager there was a time (even 5 minutes) where it felt very abnormal. A child's mind works fast to make sense of that, and when it cannot, things can be recorded as normal when they really are not. It is a necessity for our continued moral growth, I think. So we grow up with a sort of skewed sense of what is normal, and that causes conflicts as we grow and mature, and age. It is these false beliefs (and cognitive distortions) which can cause us to feel emotional distress for the rest of our lives. That is the real abuse.

The point, as promised:
What did or did not happen in your childhood is not the issue. The invitation to join may or may not have been read as a choice to you. It wasn't, because you were doing what you were told by someone you trusted, but that doesn't matter either. You may or may not have felt curious...even excited. Still doesn't matter, because that's exactly what you were supposed to feel. It probably was what turned your dad on the most when he was planning out the encounter. Then you may or may not have had the opportunity to talk about it afterward, to "tell" or get help, but you guessed it...doesn't matter. You already had formed your beliefs about that experience, at a time when you were not yet prepared to do that...and at a time when all of society was telling you that it was wrong. That you were wrong. That is the abuse, and it didn't just happen back then...it has happened to you every day since then...and you were left completely on your own to try and understand it. You are here because you can't understand why its abuse? That, again, is the abuse at work.

You are strong to carry all of this, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You must always remember that it happened in spite of you, and that you did not decide to do any of this. It may seem like you did, but you froze or acquiesced and that's not consent (that's not personally deciding its okay). As you struggle to try and make sense of this...please know you aren't alone. Also, that I'll never question whether you were abused, or the pain (confusion) that you feel.

With hope,
-Brian