Terrifying Therapist Questions

[Skywatcher]

This week was hard. First she asked why it’s not okay to cry. (Which I think has an obvious answer). Then she asked, “what if you were to cry in here?” (Um, no). Then, we talk about shame. What would happen if you laid it all out on the table? (You would leave). What would it mean to you if you laid it all out on the table and you returned next week and I was still here? (OMG... terrifying)

Anyone deal with these questions? What questions does your T ask?

 

[grit]

I think you are trying to get how others deal with similar situations but I truly hope you are not trying to take that into heart. These questions pertain to you so personally what it means to another person can be nothing.

This is akin to asking a person how do you make love to your spouse? and try to learn from that.

However, in general similar scenario in therapy rooms, my therapist asks me a lot of questions about "coping mechanisms". I started to get tired of answering these questions (key word I was getting tired), So I noted I am getting tired. Again next session, same line of questioning, so this time, I am getting annoyed (key word I am getting annoyed). Then the third time, I did not answer but actually listen carefully what she was getting at. No answer or insight. Weird. Why am I paying this person to give me run about how do I cope?

Then few days later, I realized the why!!!
I have been feeling lethargic, shutdown, experiencing some depression and I was fending off all attachment and closeness (I figured this out around my husband and at home). Now, because I write down my therapy sessions, I went back and read and realized great...the therapist was sensing this and of course did not come out and say heyyyy are you feeling down, shutdown, disengaged etc? she was fishing around for me to acknowledge.

the mere thing of recognizing this has shifted my mood and I started to do so well at many things I was procrastinating.

So what did that tiredness and annoying feelings meant - I hope you get the gist of this. I was tired and annoyed because I was depressed.

Now, this T is really good to ask you these questions, and the part that is acting like a child, is probably your inner child, the beauty is the part that is observing and writing here is your functioning part. I hope in time, you see the underlying feeling as I have.

 

[Friday]

(Which I think has an obvious answer).

Nope! I know lots of people who don’t cry / don’t feel it's okay for them to cry (often 2 different things). Some of us have the same answer, or same general kind of answer, although the details may be different. Lots have totally different answers.

Anyone deal with these questions? What questions does your T ask?

Ive been asked those questions, but they aren’t loaded, for me.

Questions that are loaded how I reply/deal with them depends very much on my mood at the time, how hard I’m working, & how much I like or respect the person asking. (I don’t worry about trusting my therapist, how much I generally like & respect them is what matters. Both trust and respect is earned. But I can like someone out the gate, and be finding out if I respect their insight, opinion, experience ... long before ever trusting them with anything, much less trust implicitly.)

 

[Skywatcher]

@Friday if you respect the person but don’t trust them, would you tell them your most shameful things? Especially if those things are eating you up from the inside out?

 

[Friday]

It depends on the person.

I don’t do blanket-things very well, and am very much a case by case kind of person. Alchemy, synergy, simpatico, connection... whatever you want to call it... when that je n'ais se quoi is there? Absolutely. This is what they do, and they do it damn well. When it’s not? Shrug. It’s not gonna happen, and I’m not gonna force it, from experience. Not blanket experience. One person f*cking me over doesn’t translate in my head to everyone f*cking me over. Instead it’s very much a self-recognition of needing something specific I don’t believe they have. If they show me they have it later? My actions will change. Until then? I will very much take advantage of where I do see their strengths. It may not be the areas I need the most help, or that carry the heaviest weights, or that bear the most shame. But even assistance in trifling matters helps lighten the load, ya know?

Especially if those things are eating you up from the inside out?

Now, I’ve been desperate enough I’ve tossed things out there without any kind of vetting or judgemnt calls involved. Sometimes I get lucky, and they’re better than I could have even dreamed of. Exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it, that I didn’t even know I needed. Other times I’ve been kicked in the teeth. Dammit. Well THAT was a mistake. I usually roll with those punches fairly well. Sometimes something lands wrong, and it f*cks me up for awhile. The only rolling involved is as I go ass over teakettle :wtf: That’s the thing about desperation. It all comes down to luck. Sometimes I’m lucky, sometimes I’m not. So I prefer judgement. But sometimes kapow! Everyhing just comes tumbling out. Well that’s out there now. Will just have to see what happens, next.

 

[Mach123]

This week was hard. First she asked why it’s not okay to cry. (Which I think has an obvious answer). Then she asked, “what if you were to cry in here?” (Um, no). Then, we talk about shame. What would happen if you laid it all out on the table? (You would leave). What would it mean to you if you laid it all out on the table and you returned next week and I was still here? (OMG... terrifying)

Anyone deal with these questions? What questions does your T ask?

I had one male therapist and he did this to me. I didn't like it and I was with him a long while and I didn't tell him much. I tried. I would mention something and he'd say stuff like that and I felt challenged and even a little threatened sometimes. He was a nice guy but I couldn't respond well to feeling challenged. My current therapist drew me out. Worked much better. He was a psychologist and a phd and all that and he said he could do trauma therapy. He couldn't though. Then I started seeing a specialist. It's totally different.

 

[blackemerald1]

Anyone deal with these questions?

Yeah every week in one way or another and every week I give different answers. I keep going back - for now that's all I can do even if I don't think I have moved forward one inch... I still try.

 

[Skywatcher]

I am actually feeling much closer to my therapist because of this last session. It just all scares me so much. We have been rebuilding from a bad rupture. I contemplated quitting a few times, but something inside of me told me to work through it. I told her that I want to enjoy and feel cared for by the feelings that I have felt in stuff that she has said and done, but then I jump into “nice people betray and hurt you” mode and it is really hard to let the good feelings win over the protective ones.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think it may just take time so that this therapist can show you that not only is recovery from a rupture possible but your therapeutic relationship can actually get even better than you thought. And the only way to disprove a thought process like the one you are having is by evidence. In other words, experience and feel it happening and then maybe belief will follow?

 

[susannahsays]

Yikes, just reading those questions made me squirm. The one I see hasn't asked those, and she doesn't tend to bombard me with so many intense ones at once. Today, she did ask me one that I found intensely uncomfortable, but I don't really know why. We had had a bit of a rupture because I had been angry because I wasn't going to have a session next week because she is moving offices. I'd made a mean face at her when she said hello to me when I had been waiting in the waiting room for the psychiatrist. Today, we talked about it, and she scheduled a session for me, and asked if I felt like I couldn't ask for something like that. For some reason, that made me really uncomfortable.

Then of course there are the times when she picks up that I'm omitting something. Sometimes I'm not telling her something bad I did to harm myself or sometimes it's something bad that was done to me. I can be kind of squirrelly. So like, she might say it sounds like I haven't been doing xyz anymore, and I'll casually agree I'm not doing xy, hoping she won't notice I'm leaving off the z - because lots of people don't notice or else they don't ask about it. But it seems like she always picks up on all my little tricks. She drills down until I finally have to choose between telling her the truth, outright lying, or declining to answer (which sometimes might as well be telling her). I don't really see the point in lying to her, so I have always either told the truth or said I didn't want to talk about it.

Oh, and one time she asked if I was scared of her. I totally am, but I said no.

 

[blackemerald1]

something inside of me told me to work through it.

I think I have had this glimmer of self care come in and save me from terminating with a therapist or doing something that was against my best interests - long term. I think you have experienced that with this feeling you describe. It's really hard to listen to that little part of us but there is so much to be gained when we do.

I'm so glad you are feeling cared for and continuing with therapy. :)

 

[Freida]

This week was hard. First she asked why it’s not okay to cry. (Which I think has an obvious answer). Then she asked, “what if you were to cry in here?” (Um, no). Then, we talk about shame. What would happen if you laid it all out on the table? (You would leave). What would it mean to you if you laid it all out on the table and you returned next week and I was still here? (OMG... terrifying)

Anyone deal with these questions? What questions does your T ask?

My t has been asking me these same questions for 4 years. Yep - years. She says we will know we are done when I can finally answer them. Just last week she reminded me that if I let myself cry in her office chances are high that I WONT end up catatonic in the corner. And I still don't believe her. Did I mention 4 years? :laugh:

It might help to see these questions as topics of conversation rather than things that demand an answer. The idea is to get you to think outside of your usual automatic thinking. So "Its not safe to cry" becomes "huh, I wonder why I'm afraid to cry"

Does that make sense?