Testing Therapist?

[NightSky]

If anyone can help me process something I would be so grateful. Sorry this is long. Over the last six months or so I was making good progress with my T of a year and a half, after working through a lot of trust issues and dissociation and inability to truth myself and my memories.. we were finally getting into things in a way that felt like I could stay present and begin to trust her. But I was pregnant and we backed off for the last month or so because I think she wanted things to be less intense during what was already an intense time. We spent our last session talking through labor/delivery and preparing for that and then on the day that would have been our next session, I went into labor. That was two and a half weeks ago- I had my baby the next day. I texted her a baby pic and we exchanged a couple very short check in emails the first week. But we didn't have a plan in place for resuming sessions. (That was the plan for the session I missed.) Now I haven't spoken to her in a week and a half and I find myself in a weird place. Like if I ask her when I can/should return I'm "caving" so instead I won't email. I'll wait for her. To prove maybe that she's happy to have a break from me. I miss her. And could use the support during this newborn sleep deprived emotional time. But I feel like I shouldn't ask. Because she hasn't emailed. Even though I *know* she is probably being respectful of the transition and giving me time to adjust. Because I'm not extremely vocal about how important her role is in my life, she must not know that I need the support now. But I fight feeling needy with everything in me. So I just sit and wait and feel rejected, proving to myself that she doesn't care because she hasn't been in touch.
As I write it out it sounds so juvenile. But if I'm being honest I guess I'm testing her. And that's not healthy. I don't know why I'm doing it or what the best course of action is. I hesitate to ask her to go in this week (I usually go Thursdays) because she may have taken the week off for xmas and if I ask, and she's off, then I gave away the fact that I "need" her for no reason.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks in these circles. Does all of this prove that I haven't really worked through my trust issues with her? :sorry:

 

[Muted]

If anyone can help me process something I would be so grateful. Sorry this is long. Over the last six...

I totally understand what you're saying. I think it's completely normal.

Sometimes I want to push my T. away... I don't like feeling 'dependent or needing' of her. Yet, I do need her not for survival, but objective help and support. After she went on her last long vacation, a part of me felt like ' see you can handle this, you don't need her '. I struggled going back and sometimes you get that wall built up around you and it's hard to take it down again to face those wounds...

I don't have any words of wisdom on this, but I can assure you you're not alone in your feelings.

Congratulations on your baby!!!

 

[expectingbetter]

I understand completely how you feel.

You have all rights to feel like you feel. It is so normal that you need her and that you miss your sessions and you even didn't have that last one planned session due to the labor.
I think she is just giving you time. I know my T is doing so also, they just let us to decide when we need a contact and they simply don't want to act pushy. You are in very sensitive period and that is an extra reason she is not so to say disturbing you.

But I am telling you really honestly, it is completely normal and even expected that you need the support from her exactly now, I know I would feel the same in your situation. And I am glad you have established at least decent trust so far, it took me so long to do the same too, but I will tell you from my perspective now when I have enormous trust in mine therapist, I would contact her first, not waiting her to send a message, and I would say honestly that I need some support now and simply that I would want to continue the work with her. Don't get upset if she is taking the week off due to holidays, that doesn't mean she is not there for you.
I recommend strongly to write to her exactly how you feel without feeling ashamed or needy. We have to be the real ourselves with our therapists and only then they are able to help us.
To me it sounds like you and she have a good therapeutic alliance so far, you just have to give your situation and feelings the credit.

For gaining trust really much time is needed but I think you have gained some decent amount already. And I know I am talking from my point of view where I have a very deep trust but the trust itself is improving when we act like we do trust them. You deserve help right now. Ask for it. And I hope she will respond with care.

 

[Hope69]

that makes sense to me. Its understandable that you need support especially after having a child. Its also understandable that you don't want to reach out first, sometimes its scary or the potential of someone saying no when we're really vulnerable makes it all the more difficult.
If its too much to ask yourself, is there someone you trust who can get in touch with her for you and just say that you would like to schedule an appointment?
If not, I hope you can reach out. IT sounds as though this is a good T who will respond respectfully.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Congratulations on your new baby! How exciting!
I am happy that you have a good therapist, and have been able to make progress, even through the ups and downs of pregnancy hormones.

I really think that she is letting you decide when you are ready to get out and about, as well as being ready to leave the baby for a little while for appointments.

It's pretty normal, after having a baby to want to take a while to get adjusted to the sleep schedule, or lack of sleep schedule. I would be surprised if she made the first call to start working on things again. Surely she trusts that you will know what is best for you.

In my experience, I have been in continuous therapy for clinical depression for many years, and have had several different Ts. They always let me be the one to initiate my care by making the first call. Plus, she wouldn't want to wake you, or call at a bad time.

You are right about needing support during this time, and you have built a trust between you. Getting an appointment booked is important for your stress level.
(I had SEVERE postpartum depression, and you don't want to take a chance of developing that. By the time I asked for help, I was in BAD shape)

Blessings and Hugs (if ok) Enjoy your baby!
AKJ

 

[Justmehere]

Congrats on the birth of your new baby!

Chances are, she cares about you so much that she doesn't want to intrude or pressure you to restart sessions before you are ready with a brand new newborn on your hands.

Either way, you are doing something that is quite common by trying to guess what she is thinking and hope that she will accurately guess what you are thinking too. My dear friend who teaches psychology to future therapists calls, in a mostly joking way, "mind reading" --- and even someone who has been teaching on internal and external boundaries (what is mine and what is yours, and how to set and keep limits and not mix the two up) -- even he does it. I do it too. I had myself convinced my therapist was quitting on me and sick of me and didn't care anymore... just this last week because of my own mind reading efforts. I was delightfully wrong.

It's quite common to guess what someone else is thinking and sometimes it's about trust and other times it's not. It's usually related to struggling to keep internal boundaries (the only thoughts you can know are your own - not hers, and she can't know what you need unless you say it, because she can't get in your head either).

To wait for her in the manner that you are, to test her without her knowing, out of negative feelings you have about the relationship or communication with her, is a little passive aggressive. You are trying to achieve a goal without being direct and clear.

A lot of trauma survivors not only try to guess what others feel, they find it scary to speak directly about how they are feeling. This can be about trust but it can also be about learned behavior - learning to stay silent and/or try to read others to survive trauma.

You are not doing things that are awful or terrible, but they also are probably things that won't get you to your goal as effectively as you would like.

You are also super duper sleep deprived and in a really vulnerable time. I'd totally be falling apart if I was in your shoes.

If you can, I'd see this as an opportunity to risk trying something new and directly tell her you were disappointed she didn't email and where you would like to go from here.

It may not have been safe in the oat to clearly and directly communicate needs, wants, and feelings... but in this relationship, it's actually safer and better if you can't communicate directly.

Hang in there!

 

[Friday]

Whenever I catch myself playing games, I have an absolute & unbreakable rule that I have to stop. Immediately. And do the exact opposite of what I want to. Games are supposed to be fun. If they're not fun? They're not happening.

 

[Denial-River]

If anyone can help me process something I would be so grateful. Sorry this is long. Over the last six...

First let me congratulate you on your new addition! That is awesome! :) Second, I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in having those feelings - I know that I can relate to having issues with therapy related uncertainties especially whenever there has been a life transition. BUT-you had a baby, and now have a new role in life, and you are lacking sleep-and I can't imagine having that big of a change. I guess what I am trying(not very articulately-sorry:( ) is that I think you deserve a huge pat on the back for accomplishing so much so well! I imagine anyone in your shoes would have the same feelings, and that is okay. I hope sleep-full nights come soon for you!
High Fives,
Roxx
PS: I bet you hear from her soon

 

[Canticle]

Whenever I catch myself playing games, I have an absolute & unbreakable rule that I have to stop. Immedi...

Congradulations on your baby. So happy for you and the blessing.

I feel that it is a normal reaction for those of us that survive the burden of PTSD. It is our way of self presorvation. You are making very positive and difficult progress on your path towards healing the physiological wound.

Thank you so much for this post and sharing your stuggle. It has heloed me see into some of my own distrust issues. PTSD has isolated my soul and trapped me in a world of distrust.. It is time for me to love my way back.

Thank you again for sharing this post and keep up the good work. Love, respect and honor.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I understand and have had those feelings and thoughts.

I like your idea to give a call to your therapist, if you want to continue. My therapist relies on me to initiate sessions depending on my needs. Simply be clear with your desire, get your ducks in a row (i.e. a babysitter or not?), and if you want, call your T.

(There may be some ethic code which influences therapists to wait until their client asks for sessions-if their client has taken a break from therapy.)

And, congratulations for birthing your child!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks in these circles.

I talk in circles only every thread I make, it's all good!

I haven't read any of the replies but I do this, all of the time. I have tested my therapist the entire 8 years we have been "together" or whatever you call that. Not as much or as severe as in earlier years but yep, still do.

For me it's, mostly, abandonment issues. If he leaves, see, I knew he would go away. If I push him away and he moves away, see, I knew he didn't care and was going to go away. I leave and he doesn't chase me, see, he doesn't care and is going to go away.

Thankfully he never has gone away and I do this with everyone. I sure it is insane for those in my life. I am sure BPD plays a large role in that but PTSD has a ton of abandoment issues & push/pull of it's own. The push/pull is what many supporters talk about here.

So, that's what I see here. Just my take on it. I say tell your thoughts where to go and call her and make an appointment. Or better, text her and let her know you are feeling this way but really could use her support right now and see if she has an opening?

 

[Suzetig]

Congratulations, what a lovely, exciting, stressful time for you.

It's ok to need support and to struggle to ask for it. For me one of my tasks in therapy has been to learn to ask for what I need and want - it's part of the work. Technically you employ her to be your therapist which means you decide whether you want to see her, when etc and she'll only know what you want if you tell her.

My guess is she thinks you'll want a break to settle into your new role as a mum, and I'd be surprised if she contacted you because she wouldn't want to intrude. Basically, if you want to see her, contact her and ask to arrange a session. She'll be fine with it.