Self abusive inner critics (whether your own voice or the abusers) are tough to deal with. You have spent many years in recovery and have done a lot of recovery work. I'm sorry that you're still having so much difficulty with this.
I dug up a list of PTSD Characteristics that I used and re-evaluated my own difficulties with... sort of like a step 4 &5 (by posting my self assessment in my diary) but it helped me to identify where I was okay and where I needed to learn and acquire more education/coping techniques/life skills... not sure if it will help you or not but ya never know?
Rage/anger was my response underneath booze. Only when I endeavored to learn about the appropriate response to anger (motivation to change basically) did I start to crack the lid on my own destructive/abusive/negative self talk. My own "child" just screamed bloody murder for years... she has sense stopped, My two main abusers voices in my head have largely, yet not entirely calmed down too. Personally I'm not entirely sure how it happened. I just know that I kept doing self examinations, journaling in my diary, doing goal/challenges and/or exposures, and doing things like bringing myself into maturity (via self parenting and learning about character development) because I figured, what the heck do I have to lose?
Any, here's the list (pretty comprehensive):
Trauma Reaction Characteristics or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
1. Recurrent and unwanted (intrusive) recollections of experiences
2. Periods of sleeplessness
3. Sudden "real" memories (vivid, distracting)
4. Extremely cautious of surroundings
5. Startled more easily than others
6. Distressing dreams about experiences
7. Flashback episodes- acting or feeling as if the experience is happening in the present
8. Distress when exposed to reminders of experiences like anniversaries, places or symbols
9. Outbursts of anger and irritability
10. Distrustful of others
11. Physical reactions to reminders of experiences (breaking out in cold sweat, trouble breathing, etc)
Trauma Arousal
Trauma Arousal Characteristics
1. Engaging in high-risk, thrill seeking behaviors such as skydiving or race car driving
2. Seeking more risk because the last jolt of excitement was not enough
3. Difficulty being alone, calm or in low-stress environments
4. Using drugs like cocaine or amphetamines to speed things up or to heighten high risk activities
5. Feeling sexual when frightened or when violence occurs
6. Seeking high risk sex
7. Loving to gamble on outcomes
8. Difficulty completing sustained, steady tasks
9. Seeking danger
10. Constant searching for all or nothing situations
11. Associating with people who are dangerous to you
Trauma Blocking
Trauma Blocking Characteristics
1. Excessive drinking
2. Use of depressant drugs or "downers"
3. Using TV, reading or hobbies as a way to numb out
4. Compulsive eating
5. Excessive sleeping
6. Compulsive working, especially at unrewarding jobs
7. Compulsive exercise
8. Binging (with any of the above) when things are difficult
Trauma Splitting
Trauma Splitting Characteristics
1. Fantasizing or "spacing out" during plays and movies that generate intense feelings or are reminders of painful experiences
2. Experiencing confusion, absentmindedness and forgetfulness because of preoccupation
3. Living in a fantasy world when things get tough
4. Feeling separate from body as a reaction to a flashback
5. Experiencing amnesia about what you are doing or where you are
6. Being preoccupied with something else than what needs to be attended to
7. Having a life of "compartments" that others do not know about
8. Living a double life
9. Daydreaming, living in an unreal world
10. Obsessing around addictive behavior
11. Losing yourself in romantic fantasies
12. The use of marijuana or psychedelic drugs
Trauma Abstinence
Trauma Abstinence Characteristics
1. Deny themselves basic needs like groceries, shoes, books, medical care, rent or heat
2. Avoid any sexual pleasure or feel extreme remorse over any sexual activity
3. Hoard money and avoid spending money on legitimate needs
4. Perform "underachieving" jobs compulsively and make consistently extreme or unwarranted sacrifices for work
5. Spoil success opportunities
6. Have periods of no interest in eating and attempt diets repeatedly
7. See comfort, luxuries and play activities as frivolous
8. Routinely skip vacations because of dedication to an unrewarding task
9. Avoid normal activities because of fears
10. Have difficulty with play
11. Be underemployed
12. Vomit food or use diuretics to avoid weight gain
Trauma Shame
Trauma Shame Characteristics
1. Feeling ashamed because you believe trauma experiences were your fault
2. Feeling lonely and estranged from others because of trauma experiences
3. Engaging in self-mutilating behaviors (cutting yourself, burning yourself, etc)
4. Engaging in self destructive behaviors
5. Enduring physical or emotional pain that most people would not accept
6. Avoiding mistakes "at any cost"
7. Feeling that you should be punished for the trauma event and being unable to forgive yourself
8. Feeling bad when something good happens
9. Having suicidal thoughts, threats and attempts
10. Possessing no ability to experience normal emotions such as sadness, anger, love and happiness
11. Having a deep fear of depending on people
12. Feeling unworthy, unlovable, immoral or sinful because of trauma experiences
13. Perceiving others always as better, happier and more competent
14. Having a dim outlook on the future
15. Avoiding experiences that feel good, have no risk and that are self-nurturing
Trauma Repetition
Trauma Repetition Characteristics
1. Doing something self-destructive over and over again, usually something that took place in childhood and started with a trauma
2. Reliving a "Story" from the past
3. Engaging in abusive relationships repeatedly
4. Repeating painful experiences, including specific behaviors, scenes, persons and feelings
5. Doing something to others that you experiences as an early life trauma
Trauma Bond
Trauma Bond Characteristics
1. When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)
2. When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain
3. When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you
4. When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive
5. When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you
6. When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable
7. When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships
8. When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care
9. When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away
10. When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen
11. When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you
12. When you are attracted to untrustworthy people
13. When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse
14. When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility
