The 5 Love Languages And Attachment To Therapist.

[mrsps]

Do you know where this thought originated

I honestly don't know. I have a lot of issues like this thinking that she is going to give up on me, thinking she doesn't want to see me, thinking im not good enough for her time etc
I struggle with taking things in, and struggle to even remember half of what she says to me. I just feel really dumb. I feel like a lost cause as she is trying to help me but because I struggle to understand and take it all in. I guess I am really frustrated with myself!
I have frustrated her and pushed her so much it wouldn't surprise me if it is true she hates seeing me

 

[ghotiff]

But I am really struggling with it which is why I keep bring it up with her.

This makes comets sense to me. Keep bringing it up, so one day you will find resolution and you won't need to bring it up again.

"Struggle with taking things in"

I have a theory that when I'm emotional, my brain shuts down. I told my T in the beginning that to remember things I have to keep my brain on a certain mode ( I call it academic mode ) but I wasn't going to do that with her and so I would forget eg things I have said to her. The point of seeing a T is to deal with emotions but I absolutely hate how "dumb" it makes me.

 

[mrsps]

I have a theory that when I'm emotional, my brain shuts down

Totally agree with this. My memory is bad at the best of times let alone when I am in a room with my T feeling nervous! I just find it so hard to take in everything she says. If someone asks me after a session what we went through I would struggle to tell them half of the stuff

 

[ghotiff]

Someone on this forum has permission to record her sessions with her T. I would love to do this but don't have the courage to ask.

 

[BlueOrange]

It is a huge issue to me that I am attached but it doesn't seem like a big deal to her.

It seems possible to me that she doesn't want you to think of it as such a huge issue, and thinks that discussing it as much as you want to, would keep it as a huge issue. I've found it very difficult to let my therapist control the agenda, although it has become easier over time. One thing that I did was to start each session with a list of the things I wanted to talk about. We would then typically spend around 5 minutes on what I thought was important, and 55 minutes on his agenda. It wasn't very satisfying, but it was just enough so that I was able to cooperate with his approach.

And it turns out that he had a better idea about what I needed to focus on than I did.

 

[mrsps]

I've found it very difficult to let my therapist control the agenda

My T wants me to control the agenda. When I have asked her what sort of things we should be covering she said whatever it is that comes up for me. But then I think am I only bringing up the small things and there are deeper things I am missing.
I most often have a few things written down that I want to go through in a session but sometimes when we start on one thing she spends a lot of time on it and I don't get a chance to go over the other stuff. So I said to her if I bring up all the things I want to go over at the beginning and if she can pick out what she thinks are the most important ones to discuss. She said it is up to me to pick what is most important to me.
I feel that I need her to guide me more as I don't know what actually is most important. Am I avoiding stuff we should be working on because for me it is too hard?
There are so many things that we haven't even touched on yet, I get frustrated with how long it takes to work through all my "issues"

 

[BlueOrange]

Interesting! Perhaps I am too controlling, whereas you need to practice taking control. Could be that both our therapists are right ;)

It might help to consider a concept from Chinese medicine called the 'Unwelcome guest theory'.

Imagine that you're a Chinese peasant in the year 700 or so, and that the local warlord visits your home, with a couple of armed guards. He demands a meal, and something to drink, and is being quite obnoxious. As a peasant, if you refuse his requests, he'll kill you. How do you get him to leave?

You serve him tea that isn't quite hot enough. You prepare food that is overcooked or undercooked, with the wrong seasonings. You arrange the furniture into inconvenient shapes. In this way, you make it so that the unwelcome guest wants to leave.

The medical application of this theory is to say "A very nasty, complex disease is like the unwelcome guest. He likes the company of other diseases, and he likes unsanitary conditions and bad diet. If we can't force the really big problem to leave, then we can at least make life uncomfortable for him. If we fix our other problems, then it starts to become less difficult to fix the main problem."

In other words, it doesn't really matter which problems you fix. If you practice fixing problems, then there are two benefits:

• Some of your problems go away
• You get better at fixing problems

Don't use your therapist to fix your problems. Use your therapist to help you learn how problems get fixed (by getting them to help you fix your problems).

 

[ghotiff]

@BlueOrange

Unwelcome guest .... Absolutely brilliant. !!!

 

[mrsps]

If we fix our other problems, then it starts to become less difficult to fix the main problem."

thanks for that, I have never looked at it this way before but totally makes sense. I do understand that going to therapy is all about the "learning" as its not just to fix the problems from the past and present but to be able to fix any problem that comes up in the future.
I know I have to do all the hard work myself my T is just there to guide me :)