The clash between C-ptsd bi-polar and a person w ADHD And ODD

[Charmd1]

So things have been stressful lately.
History
Me the mom is diagnosed C-ptsd/ strongly suggested bi polar waiting on psych evaluation
My kiddo diagnosed Severe ADHD/ODD/Drepession/Anxiety/OCD

So there’s always a lot of working around elevated emotions in my household we do therapy and counselling and psych check ins I’m med resistant as it makes my suicidal symptom's worse. My kiddo has been pulled off her adhd meds as she is severely underweight.

Since stopping the adhd meds the ODD and OCD has skyrocketed through the roof. Life in my home has become a literal war zone!! None of the practices we put in place are being effective and the constant yelling slamming screeching is triggering me and I am being reactive.

I’ve tried separating all members of the family lots of sleepovers, tons of activities apart. Making sure there is a reduction of events where historically behavioural escalation has happened so it doesn’t become a factor.

But damn this walking on eggshells, fighting to manage all of these little aspects of life to help mitigate the combative odd behaviours is really causing my own mental health to regress. I feel like I am trapped in an abusive situation again and there is no way to get out. This is making it really hard for me to keep finding ways to parent a difficult child who needs so much extra support.
There is no physical violence but there is so much manipulation and verbal aggression and no amount of gentle parenting or informed parenting is getting through.

The latest issue is she’s mad her classically hyperactive class clown adhd brother doesn’t have to take meds. She is obsessed with the different treatment practices. But he doesn’t self medicate, isn’t suicidal, doesn’t drink and do drugs and his greatest failing is he talks to much and doesn’t sit still. She does self medicate does practice self harm does obsess over suicide and generally thinks if any situation an adult would disprove of is a perfect opportunity to practice independence.

Sorry I’m ranting in a safe place. I am just tired and having trouble balancing my emotions and reactions. I love my kids and some days are harder than others.

 

[Charmd1]

The hardest part is my brain telling me this is all my fault and this wouldn’t be happening if I were a better parent.

 

[Renly]

Not much in the way of advice, but sending lots of support. Sometimes ranting it out can provide relief.

Not sure if any of this is helpful, but off the top of my head…Can your support team (ie counselors) provide any additional recommendations/support? Do you have access/opportunities for behavioral therapy for the kids/family? Are you taking care of you/making time for self-care?

Sounds like a whole lot on your plate, but kudos on having lots of support already in place and utilizing lots of strategies to stay ahead as best as you can. That is good parenting.

The hardest part is my brain telling me this is all my fault and this wouldn’t be happening if I were a better parent.

When my brain does things like this I try to hard stop: Sorry brain - thanks for trying to help, but this message isn’t real (and isn’t helpful). We can only do the best we can (also, see last paragraph above). Sending lots of kind compassion your way until you can also give it to yourself.

 

[Charmd1]

When my brain does things like this I try to hard stop: Sorry brain - thanks for trying to help, but this message isn’t real (and isn’t helpful). We can only do the best we can

Thank you and yes this is something I am working on. My brain often tries to derail itself.

We are on the wait list for family therapy I am currently doing DBT and will be going into a second more intensive session. My daughter is in weekly therapy working with an eating disorder therapist, and I also keep her involved in programs geared towards teens that need structured support.

I’ve pre planned a lot of little breaks over the summer for myself and both the kiddos. We dont have a huge support network but I broke the bank setting up summer camps so everyone gets a break from stressors and each other. I plan to do some nature immersion while the kids are away to help reset myself as I know I am well beyond my ability to self regulate in our current environment.

But any ideas on what to try when there are multiple disorders butting heads and fighting for dominance are gladly accepted. Teens are hard enough lol teens that are struggling tend to be a next level experience. Add in a parent with issues and it becomes the perfect storm.

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, charmd. i am 3.5 years into a second parenting career launched by the fatal car wreck of my son and his wife. the oldest child is currently 3 years away from his teen years and ? ? ? are the winds of the next perfect storm starting to gust? does it matter that a "funny uncle" has taken the place of the parent with issues? am i setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy? parenting teens was hard enough in my 40's. am i going to have the energy to ride out those perfect storms in my 70's? i'll be 84 when the baby graduates high school. my grandmotherly advice sounded allot wiser before i was demoted to mom. these days i feel like i'm getting my best advice from younger parents who are currently parenting teenagers here in the 21st century. 3.5 years ago, none of my age peers knew what a g-rated "play date" was, either.

But any ideas on what to try when there are multiple disorders butting heads and fighting for dominance are gladly accepted.

support group meetings were my most effective tool during the parenting career. if nothing else, they gave me a break in the head-butting and power struggles. they often netted me good ideas for the specific round at hand. my second parenting career launched in a different city from the first one. works in progress on rebuilding a similar network in the new neighborhood.

i'm open to tips and advice, too. got any?

 

[Charmd1]

i'm open to tips and advice, too. got any?

My thoughts are with you. The way people step up for family never ceases to amaze me.

The only advice I have is recognize the mood patterns. And have a back up plan. Because everything will go sideways often.

I have the councillor's at the kids school touch base with them informally to help and make sure they have someone if I’m in a state. And we have built a network of safe adults to help contribute to stability.

 

[arfie]

I have the councillor's at the kids school touch base with them informally to help and make sure they have someone

hmmmmmm. . . i hadn't thunk on it before, but perhaps this is a silver lining in the cloud of having started the current parenting gig with the trauma of protective custody. cps was in touch with the school before they approved the custody shift. the councilors were already addressing that point before we met.

we have built a network of safe adults to help contribute to stability.

covid put a major kink in that progress. this trail of tears started shortly before the corona crowning and. . . ya know, ya know. my age peers abandoned ship with the first hue and cry. those social distances remain intact. crossing the generational lines to hookup with the parents of classmates remains a challenge. WTF is a play date and how is child playdating even legal? do i care if there is an app for that? parenting by app is a whole new gig for my senior senses. i started my computer career in 1973 so the tech is no mystery to me, but the way tech is being used is truly mind blowing. does "virtual" still mean, "almost?"

stepping small, praying big and letting god lead the dance. . .
thank you for the dialog. i feel so alone in this.