It has been a long while since I have been here...I just needed to get this out of my head and I don't have anywhere else to say it.
It has been a while since I have self harmed...or at least it had been until 2 days ago. The pressure built up too much. I can't control my anxiety. I can't sleep even with medication. My body hurts. I still haven't fully recovered from a hard pregnancy followed by a c-section. My mind won't shut up.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it without sounding stupid. My husband just tells me I worry too much and I just need to relax (thanks hon, I have not tried that). My OB put me on Pristiq for severe PPD, but can't understand why my son's crying makes me have panic attacks. She knows I have a history of trauma, but not self harm. I am afraid to mention it. I am afraid that she would think I am a danger to my son, even though I would never hurt him. My primary doctor is an older male doc who only grudgingly prescribes my PTSD and ADD medications because I have been diagnosed by 2 different psychiatrists previously and have been taking them for 4 years now. Basically he's no help. My psychiatrist retired and the counselors that took on his clients don't have an opening I can make with my work schedule.
I am the sole provider for my household (my husband stays at home with our son) so there is a lot of pressure to keep my job. My field of work is changing rapidly and I am expected to keep up without the new tech, extra help, and extra time that larger facilities are accommodated with. Tomorrow I have my yearly review which I should've prepared better for, but all I can think about is the pressure filling up my whole body.
I just want a few more lines of pain to clear my head, but I am already hiding my relapse from my husband. I don't have a safe place anymore now that I have a child.
It has been a while since I have self harmed...or at least it had been until 2 days ago. The pressure built up too much. I can't control my anxiety. I can't sleep even with medication. My body hurts. I still haven't fully recovered from a hard pregnancy followed by a c-section. My mind won't shut up.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it without sounding stupid. My husband just tells me I worry too much and I just need to relax (thanks hon, I have not tried that). My OB put me on Pristiq for severe PPD, but can't understand why my son's crying makes me have panic attacks. She knows I have a history of trauma, but not self harm. I am afraid to mention it. I am afraid that she would think I am a danger to my son, even though I would never hurt him. My primary doctor is an older male doc who only grudgingly prescribes my PTSD and ADD medications because I have been diagnosed by 2 different psychiatrists previously and have been taking them for 4 years now. Basically he's no help. My psychiatrist retired and the counselors that took on his clients don't have an opening I can make with my work schedule.
I am the sole provider for my household (my husband stays at home with our son) so there is a lot of pressure to keep my job. My field of work is changing rapidly and I am expected to keep up without the new tech, extra help, and extra time that larger facilities are accommodated with. Tomorrow I have my yearly review which I should've prepared better for, but all I can think about is the pressure filling up my whole body.
I just want a few more lines of pain to clear my head, but I am already hiding my relapse from my husband. I don't have a safe place anymore now that I have a child.
