HëllaBubz
Diamond Member
I have an appointment at the Royal Women's Hospital today, for a follow up on laser surgery for cervical cancer in December last year.
There is NO way I'm going to be able to have another pap smear unless they knock me out like they did last time, just the thought of it sends shudders through me, and my body starts remembering previous physical traumas.
Anyway, to my point, for the few days preceding today, my thoughts have been extremely 'doomsdayish' with coming up with worst case scenarios, or remembering some pretty horrible interactions with previous gynecologists, and I can't seem to reassure myself that it's going to be ok, and they won't be pricks about the fact that I can't handle anyone touching me.
Scenarios where I'm having to deal with people mocking me, or my diagnosis, play out in my head, and I can't seem to stop them, and all they do is make me even more anxious. My medication actually works pretty well, but when I'm this stressed, if I take any more, I go into a drug stupor and go really groggy.
To give a few examples, in 2008, I saw a male gynecologist, whom, after hearing my previous history as to how I got HPV in the first place, strapped me into the leg holders, and then joked about how he had me, and I couldn't escape, and then told me I was a sook because I was flinching when he was cutting out a sample for testing.
The next one I saw was in 2010, just before my PTSD kicked in, and she treated me like a piece of meat, and mocked me when I let her know that I was sensitive, and to please treat me nicely because the last guy was a prick.....when I told her what he said, she said that she was sure he would never say something like that, and that I was making it up.
When I got out of laser surgery, I actually cried because I was so relieved it was over, and the anesthesiologist and doctor were so sweet and gentle, but to be honest, I'm terrified that I'm going to have to defend myself.
Is anyone else like this, I really prefer to be positive about things, and keep trying, but I'm pretty scared, and that's a pretty big admission coming from me.
There is NO way I'm going to be able to have another pap smear unless they knock me out like they did last time, just the thought of it sends shudders through me, and my body starts remembering previous physical traumas.
Anyway, to my point, for the few days preceding today, my thoughts have been extremely 'doomsdayish' with coming up with worst case scenarios, or remembering some pretty horrible interactions with previous gynecologists, and I can't seem to reassure myself that it's going to be ok, and they won't be pricks about the fact that I can't handle anyone touching me.
Scenarios where I'm having to deal with people mocking me, or my diagnosis, play out in my head, and I can't seem to stop them, and all they do is make me even more anxious. My medication actually works pretty well, but when I'm this stressed, if I take any more, I go into a drug stupor and go really groggy.
To give a few examples, in 2008, I saw a male gynecologist, whom, after hearing my previous history as to how I got HPV in the first place, strapped me into the leg holders, and then joked about how he had me, and I couldn't escape, and then told me I was a sook because I was flinching when he was cutting out a sample for testing.
The next one I saw was in 2010, just before my PTSD kicked in, and she treated me like a piece of meat, and mocked me when I let her know that I was sensitive, and to please treat me nicely because the last guy was a prick.....when I told her what he said, she said that she was sure he would never say something like that, and that I was making it up.
When I got out of laser surgery, I actually cried because I was so relieved it was over, and the anesthesiologist and doctor were so sweet and gentle, but to be honest, I'm terrified that I'm going to have to defend myself.
Is anyone else like this, I really prefer to be positive about things, and keep trying, but I'm pretty scared, and that's a pretty big admission coming from me.
