Dom Violence The Double Standard Of Men In DV

[AnnieMae]

The double standard is alive and well and something that cops and dispatchers struggled to understand. It's surprising for the trainees to realize that the 911 call comes in from the male half, that he is the one being abused, because society teaches us that it doesn't happen that way. We had to do a lot of training for our trainees to get them out of that mindset and to understand that yes, DV happens with men as the victim. Many of the cops I worked with talked about that too. I live in a mandatory arrest state - which means someone goes to jail in any DV call. The officers sometimes had a hard time wrapping their minds around the concept that the 5 foot tall wife was the person who beat up the 6 foot tall guy and SHE needed to be arrested. But it happened. A lot more than anyone realized.

It is changing though -- because of conversations like this and men's willingness to come forward and say that it isn't right that they don't get the help they need. Changing slowly -- but changing.

I am the SHE that was arrested. My ex pulled a gun on me, I called the cops, and I was arrested. He even told me later that it was because he had a “connection” at the police station. The person he told me about didn’t exist. He told the police that he never pulled the gun out. I knew him for 7 years and didn’t even know he owned a gun. I was charged with domestic violence and Had to pay a ton of money for all of this. The worst thing about it are the nightmares. After it happened, I had nightmares for a loooong time. Still do and It’s been 5 years. At one point, I didn’t sleep for days because every time I would start to fall asleep, I would have nightmares of him attacking me, trying to kill me. I struggle on a daily basis on who I can and cannot trust and with my identity because of this. I go to therapy to try to not freak out on people all the time. I just hope that at some point in my life, I can have a normal life again, and maybe, I can get the charge expunged. I wanted to meet someone, have a family, etc, but now I struggle with dating. I feel like that person will think I am an awful person. It’s just unreal. When we got married, his whole family warned me not to date him, including his friends. I thought they were all joking.

 

[Freida]

@AnnieMae I'm so sorry you had to go thru that..it's so unfair.

 

[SeaMist]

My mum beat up my dad, and my brothers, but never laid a finger on me or my sister. I couldn’t talk about it (even if I’d been capable) because it didn’t happen, right?

When I was in college we had a mental health day, where outside groups came and gave talks and workshops. Among them, two women from the local domestic violence shelter. After sitting through half an hour of them telling us how horrible/useless/evil men were I got up the courage to ask what support there was for men if the roles were reversed. They actually told me that that never happened. They laughed. That was the late ‘90’s, not the dark ages. I kind of wish I could go back now and tell them just what I thought of their response.

It’s like a lot of gender disparities, it’s slowly changing as people realise anything one gender can do, the other can also (positive and negative). There was a documentary on British TV a few weeks ago where a very brave man talked about his abusive relationship, which ended with the woman receiving a prison sentence. Back when I was a child my father was advised not to leave my mother because, being a man, there was no way he’d get custody of me. Pretty screwed up. Yeah, it’s a topic that gets under my skin.

I haven’t read this other thread, so can’t comment on it.

Thank you for this. I’m sorry for the confusion you suffered and the weirdness of the double standard in the society but worst of all in the therapeutic society. We still have a long way to go regarding this topic. The research shows that males and females initiate physical abuse about equally. Males are generally stronger so they hurt others more severely and get hurt less severely. This, along with gender stereotypes and the shame of being abused as a man, unfairly puts the burden on them.

Yep -- I couldn't agree more.


#metoo et al; it's all just pseudoprogress.
We can only start making progress when we open our eyes and see human beings as human beings; no subcategories (gender + beyond) to justify unfair, unbalanced and discriminatory behaviours.

The look of disgust I receive from female friends when I say I don't identify as a feminist.
I'm a humanist.
There's no way in hell I want to associate myself with feminism in 2019.
A friend added me to a Facebook group of "feminist friends", and I had to leave it.
I didn't want to be there in the first place, but the things I read were appalling and disgusting.

This doesn't solve problems.
It only perpetuates and exacerbates them.

Wow. Thanks for speaking up! I’m with you on this.

I don’t think you can solve the double standard issue by focusing only on male victims.

The world needs to understand and accept that there are female perpetrators.

Once EVERYONE can be a potential perpetrator ie all demographic groups, then all people can be seen as victims when they indeed have been victimized.

Well said.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am (shamefully) binging on Jersey Shore on Hulu (don’t hate lol). Ok so the show is now 10 years old, but still.... It’s just sad how the women can hit/assault the men and the men have to take it because men aren’t supposed to hit women. Well yes, men aren’t supposed to hit women, but the sentiment is that a woman hitting a man is not nearly as “wrong” (if it’s wrong at all). One of the guys pushed his girlfriend to the side (not a push to the ground, not even a hard shove), because she was antagonizing another couple (to physical fighting point) and she wouldn’t stop. Yes I know that you shouldn’t push a woman, but omg she acted like it was the biggest wrong in the world......annoying how this push was seen as so much more “wrong” than the full on hits that some of the women would do to the men.

I’m not excusing any type of abuse. It’s all wrong. Somehow I don’t think reality tv has evolved that much since, but who knows since I don’t watch any of the shows where people fight.

 

[mumstheword]

My SO's first long term gf was stabbed through the heart by another woman. She got 8 months in jail, after appeal it was changed to 3 years.
They had split up and he had wanted to go talk to her that night but didn't. She went to a night club and died instead. He's struggled with self blame for not going and talking to her that night. He tortured himself over it for years, thinking "She'd still be alive", if he did.

His next gf, got him badly injured, inadventently, but still. She stole off her previous bf, and he brought some henchmen around, when my guy was visiting her, actually intending to break up with her, and, ended up beaten up so badly, the hospital didn't even bother trying to save him until after they had treated two other guys who both died anyway. They just thought he was a goner. He pulled through, but, couldn't talk at first, his brain has been so badly injured.
She got pregnant to him immediately after release from hospital, when he still couldn't talk.
And then the REAL hell started.
She tried to behead him with a shovel once, in front of their preschool children.
She set him up, filing a complaint of "stalking" and then took off with their children for three years.
She's assaulted me, because even though she treats him with utter contempt, had a trumpted up series of charges brought on him (all things SHE did to him and then told police he did it), she wouldn't let another woman near him, so she tried to frighten me off my punching me in the face.
Now, she's busy denigrating their children. She's never been.charged for any of it. She's an intelligent (but pretty bonkers) woman, she's worked for the government, she knows how to work the system and manipulate REALLY WELL. She a convincing liar, who seems to believe her own lies.
My guy eventually got care of his sons, by some miracle, because that RARELY happens in the Australia family court system.
Now you might be thinking, "well he must of done things to REALLY upset her"
Bare in mind he had a serious brain injury this whole time. Also, he's a high functioning autistic, like me. He's a non abusive, compassionate, gentle, very tall man. The police side with the women, here in Australia, in general. I've witnessed it.
Our neighbor punched my guy, after threatening our lives (I think she was under the influence of Meth) she called the police, BEFORE she assaulted him (she was trying to knock over and empty our rubbish bins and he held the bins to stop her, so she started laying into him). I was witness to the whole thing. She ended up trying to get an apprehended violence order out on him which was thrown out of court (this happened while I was in the midst of losing a baby at 4 months gestation). The court house, housing company and police were very hostile and uncooperative towards us the whole time.
I could go on with a lot more unfair stuff about how men and children are treated in my country, when it comes to the judicial system and the culture at large, in the face of abusive, violent, women, but I think I'll leave it at that for now.

There are no resources for men and children fleeing abuse in their own homes, here, as far as I know. Women are, by far, favoured, in domestic violence situations. They get no consequences, when found to be lying to police and in court. If men try to get support, they are, generally, scorned, disbelieved, treated with utter contempt and suspicion and victim blamed. That's what I've witnessed, anyway.

 

[SeanCharles]

This is a very deep subject that I feel I need to explore more deeply from a couple of different perspectives: the main perspective being a witness to and also as an acquaintance to a murdered couple. One of whom, a male was intervening and both he and his wife, who was a victim, ended up murdered! This revelation is not too recent, although this thread reinforces my knowledge of my connection because of a project that I am tied to that is something bigger that I have a connection to that I can't share publicly on this forum event though I had a reference of sorts here awhile back.

Reading this thread has made me realize that this topic, which I had placed upon the back burner is one I need to perhaps explore either here on the forum, or in therapy, which I have touched on some, and really this in ways may be one of a few topics that I need to look deeply at with relation to my mom and sister.

Thank you Everyone!

 

[bellbird]

Ok so I need to vent about something and this seems the best place to do it.

Yesterday for her Halloween show, Ellen Degeneres dressed up as Cardi E; an homage to Cardi B and her character in the movie Hustlers.
Cardi B has admitted to drugging and robbing men (sorry I don't have the original video, but a clip is played in that one).

So my question is this: would Ellen Degeneres ever feature (in such an extremely positive way) a male guest who had admitted to drugging and robbing women? Would she dress up as him for Halloween and have the audience whooping with glee?

Of course not.
Her once prank-filled friendship with Matt Lauer that was a prevalent feature on her show, has now just vanished, since his rape allegations.
So why is her response to Cardi B not similar, especially as these are not merely allegations, but an admission from Cardi B, herself?

It makes me SO mad.

 

[Mach123]

Thank you. I could say much about this being, on the one hand, the target. It isn't really worth saying it however. I prefer to do what you did and say "What if the shoe was on the other foot would it be ok?" Which it wouldn't of course. Anyone who can consider it rationally is ok with me. Most people can. Some can't. My kid is sitting across from me. He is home from the military. He brought me a commendation medal. When I'm out with him I wanna shout to everyone who can hear me "Look at this kid, he is my kid, he's a hero." But my beautiful son said, "some people don't like the military dad so can you low key it?" Of course I can, but I don't want to. Me personally I'd have him walk around in his uniform. : ) Wearing his medal lol.

 

[somerandomguy]

I don't think many men would disagree with your analysis but I also don't think many men would have much of a reaction beyond a shrug. Not many people, men or women, have much sympathy for guys who are trying to get laid.