The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[Hashi]

I think that maybe it is because our feelings are like childrens feelings.

You're so right. I don't really want to think about how whiny and clingy I feel.

 

[Hashi]

I'm going through the -I don't want to see you anymore/I want to see you everyday - stuff. I hate it!

Oh, yes. This is where'll I'll be in January.

With my previous T, I had the end of year break, then after four sessions she took a fortnight's holiday. So I understand what you mean, and it's awful. I felt like the break might as well have been continuous, because the bit in the middle was so messed up and not like normal sessions at all. Sorry you're going through this.

 

[Hashi]

Noah, I admire you for making a three month break a positive thing. It must take a lot of will to do that. Kudos.

Everyone, thank you everyone for your kind thoughts, and I'm sorry if you're facing something similar at a time of year that can be when we most need therapy. It is good to remember that at least it means something's going right with T, if we're going to miss it.

I am lucky to feel this way about my T, and being able to email (only once a week, and she won't reply in depth, just say that she's read what I wrote and we can talk about it when I see her again).

It's still quite new for me to depend on anyone, so this throws up a lot of stuff.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

I think depending and feeling needy is jolly difficult for us isn't it? :( It brings up all those feelings of being let down by others or needing and not getting. Needing support when we are hurting is really normal - I try to tell myself. that anyway. :confused:

You are trusting your T just a bit and that is amazing and brave. Especially when that has not been your pattern. I relate to that a lot. You are doing the good stuff. I am presently in run away mode and that is a dead end. I think depending on someone can be one of the bravest moves ever and it sounds like your T is trustworthy and cares a lot about you. If it was me then the emails would help a lot to stop that distancing that tends to happen very quickly with distance for me.

Take care.

 

[maddog]

Oh Hashi, I so related to what you wrote and am in something like the same boat. I am in the midst of very intense trauma work right now with my T and have moved to all new levels of trust and connection in the past couple of months. Quite frankly it's overwhelming, and terrifying, and like nothing i've ever known... but wonderful, maybe even life-preserving.

I feel more dependent on him right now than ever before, and I too am still not used to feeling dependence on anyone, let alone feeling ok about it.

He is working up until Xmas and then taking the whole of January off. Every time he goes on holidays I feel sick and struggle as much as I always fear I will. But this time is just... different. This time I feel we're caught in the middle of something and I have no idea how we're going to contain it while he's gone. I'm utterly terrified...

He sometimes phones me when he's away, I am so truly truly privilleged to have what I have.

I smiled at what you wrote about wishing you could be with your T all the time. I told mine just yesterday that if I could live my entire life in his office, everything would be ok... At least he thought that was funny!

I really ache for everyone facing the dual stressors of the holidays and support network absence. As others have said, we'll be here to do this together, in whatever way we can, and to celebrate the passing of time until those supports are back.

Maddog

 

[ms spock]

I saw my Psychriatrist yesterday for the last time this year. I see her again on the 8th of January, so it is not too far away but I am feeling numb, frozen, hopeless, helpless and withdrawn today like I will never get it together and that I won't make it. I, too, have connected to my psychriatrist and I am feeling vulnerable at the moment. I am isolating today. I canceled today. I feel like such a failure. I am so glad to read other people dealing with their connection, attachment and relationship stuff - makes me feel less alone.

 

[Shellbell]

I totally relate too. I see my T tomorrow, and then not until mid January. I do see my mental health doc the first week of January though and she is great.

Not doing good this week either, so feeling more down about the month long break in T. I feel really lost, alone and a bit scared. Plus a lot of anxiety about having my children home more through the next 6 weeks and all their excitement about Christmas.

Really not sure I'm going to be okay over the next month :(

 

[Ayasha]

Shellbell, I believe in you. And you aren't alone, we're all here to help support each other.

 

[Hashi]

I am in the midst of very intense trauma work right now with my T and have moved to all new levels of trust and connection in the past couple of months. Quite frankly it's overwhelming, and terrifying, and like nothing i've ever known... but wonderful, maybe even life-preserving.

I feel more dependent on him right now than ever before, and I too am still not used to feeling dependence on anyone, let alone feeling ok about it.

Maddog, I'm so glad for you that you're able to do this work with your T - to have moved to that level of trust and connection with him, and also that level of courage and moving forward in yourself. I feel for you having to have a break. I hope he's able to ring you. He probably would want to for himself as well as for you, it sounds like you're doing some very deep-reaching work together.

 

[piratelady]

I had my last therapy appointment for the year this past Thursday. I am a little sad and scared that I won't be okay. We haven't really worked on trauma lately, but the stress we've been working through has been hard and now I'm on my own...and still stressed until the new year.

Perhaps we will all handle this break well and will be able to start the new year with some new found confidence! :)

 

[samson]

I am sorry many of us struggle with this break, but I will see my therapist twice next week to make up for the 2 appts I will miss during the Holidays. I will be out of town for one week and that will help. I feel bad for him - can't imagine how many clients feel so unsteady during this time.

 

[maddog]

I am so very, very lucky to have the T that I do, and now more than ever, I am acutely aware of that. I will see him tomorrow and then again on Saturday, and that will be it for the next 5 weeks while he is away on holidays. He has, however, told me he will "keep in touch" through that period, and in the past has done so. I know he knows that we're in a really fragile place with therapy right now, which is delicate enough at the best of times but is particularly difficult and vulnerable given the time of year and the length of his holiday.

I want to believe that making it through this time will give me confidence to face the new year as you say Piratelady, but in truth, right now I'm just scared, and wishing i could go to sleep for the next 6 weeks and not wake up until it's over.

But I am grateful to know there will still be some support from him, and also the day therapy programme I will be able to keep attending at the hospital, and also my psychiatrist, who sometimes seems like more trouble than he's worth but who is at least a regular reliable point of contact through the holiday period.

I have so much more than I used to have... and however horrific my past feels right now, my present feels pretty blessed in terms of support.

Maddog