Relationship The Ever-frustrating Push

[JT80]

Yeah, she's definitely one that is quick to anger. It's really hard to judge just what is really going on when she does this because, looking at the last few things she said to me, she says, "You are a good person. I do like you and like talking with you. Meeting you was so hard. I knew meeting you so early in person would screw everything up because I wasn't in the right state of mind" immediately after telling me I'm naïve and desperate and she only stayed with me out of pity. And a ton of other super personal things. Then she'd start saying things like, "I just can't handle knowing that I'm hurting you. You're too nice and don't deserve this. I can't be so up and down, but I can't help it". So I'm always left thinking well what is it that she wants because she's just contradicted herself during this whole ordeal?

That's where I'm at now. What does she want when the whole argument is contradicting itself and only she can answer that. For me, I have to consider if it's all worth it if she comes back. Every time she has returned, I can tell it's hard for her to do so after everything she's said to me and she feels terrible guilt and shame. I've never thrown it all back in her face, but have simply said, "It's ok. I'm still here". She has told me many times during these pulls that she doesn't understand how I don't hate her and still want to be with her after everything. I just tell her that it's because I believe in her and see who she really is deep down inside. This time, though, I'm going to need time.

I'm so sorry you live with the shame and guilt for things that have happened in your past that cannot be taken back. That's what I fear will happen in this case. I don't want her to live with feeling like that. It would be so hard and I would never wish that on her.

I will forgive her and we'll move on either together or separately. I don't hold grudges, I definitely don't hate her or see her any differently than when I first met her. I'm a pretty caring and understanding person that can handle a lot more than most. But my heart can only take so much when there's no seek for help on her behalf.

 

[Sangamo]

I'm so sorry for what your going through. I too am having the same problems. I tend to beat a dead horse so to say and that only makes things worse. I am very thankful I found this forum. At least I am beginning to understand alittle better how to deal with things.

 

[JT80]

Thank you sangamo. I'm sorry you're also going through this. It definitely is a hard place to be put in by someone you love, but I always think she's in a harder place than I am. If I had not found this forum, I would still be feeling trapped in a confusing cycle. This place has saved a lot of heartache. We've just got to be strong for ourselves :)

 

[Sangamo]

Thank you! It's a roller coaster ride right now. My worst problem is trying to not get mad. I sometimes feel like I'm talking just to hear myself talk.

 

[JT80]

Yeah, it can be extremely hard to just remain calm and cool and not take things personally. I'm naturally a slow person to anger, so I guess that's gone in my favour in this. There is only so much one can take though and I found it's finding that "in-between" line where you need to not take things to heart as well as trying to not argue and work yourself up at the same time. It is hard and takes its toll on you for sure.

 

[JT80]

I'm going into day 4 of the initial push and day 2 since we last spoke. Part of me is telling myself that she won't return to me, but the other part tells me she will. The things she said to me 2 days ago were so nasty that she's probably thinking "How could I ever return after saying that and how could I expect to be taken back after that?"... But I'm still here.

 

[Sangamo]

I can understand we were there awhile back. Things now are a lot better but it's hard being in the same house and feeling like I'm a stranger or just a roommate. One thing that is hard is not having the normal intimancy that two people usually have. I have decided just to be there but not push my feelings. Hoping that in just being there for her at a distance will bring her closer. Haven't tried that before. Like I said I have always been a romantic. Lol!

 

[JT80]

That's exactly what I started thinking of doing a day or two before this last big push. Just stepping back and letting her come to me instead of it being me going to her with the intimacy/next meet issue. I figured that out a bit too late though as she pushed not long after. Long distance makes things more difficult.

 

[anonymous]

Long distance makes things more difficult.

Frankly, you can't know that, IMO. Sometimes long distance works really well for sufferers in the throes.

I've been following this thread. I think you are in a stage in this relationship where you need to establish some very firm boundaries to protect yourself. When you are diagnosed with PTSD, no one hands you a script saying, Oh, yeah, by the way, you no longer have any responsibilities because of your symptoms.

I think with PTSD it is harder than with perhaps any other disability (particularly psych ones) for those who want to be supporters to separate their own boundaries from the sufferer's supposed needs, because the nature of PTSD is that it originates from trauma. Who would want to put someone down who is suffering because they have suffered?

Nevertheless, sufferers are people. We have responsibilities. It is my responsibility not to drive when I am crazy dissociative, because PTSD is no excuse for causing a 10-car pile-up. It is my responsibility not to get involved in a relationship if I will treat my partner like shit. PTSD or not.

I know you do not want to hear this, but you really need to.

 

[Sangamo]

Well maybe being apart will help. When she left before I think finally she realized how much I loved and cared for her. I think that being together daily is worse sometimes.

 

[JT80]

Yeah, that is true. In that aspect I am really glad I am long distance. At this point of time, getting all the pushes in person would be too much. I've been through 2 of them in person back before I really understood anything and was confusing and frustrating. I don't know if I'd still be here if it wasn't a long distance thing at this point in time.

She has said to me, "I shouldn't have started talking to you, I wasn't in the right state of mind" and that made me really feel like I was nothing but an experiment, but then assured me I'm not during a pull.

I do need to place some boundaries on myself because my heart really is just out there for her to whip around at the moment. With each push, I have changed the way I approach certain things with her. This time though, I have decided that I'm going to take a big emotional step back for my own protection should she return to me. If she wants to work towards a relationship, I need to see her being active about seeking some form of help for herself. I can't support someone who is unwilling to want to seek what she needs and make a bit of an effort. Yes, it's hard, but there's no point in trying to help someone who's not helping themselves.

Whether I hear from her again or not is anyone's guess, but either way I truly hope she pushes herself to get the professional help she needs.

 

[Kintsugi]

I applaud you for recognizing the above, Mac. :tup: Keep us updated on that.