Relationship The Ever-frustrating Push

[Tinyflame]

Me too @Mac80 , please feel free to ask me to go if this is offensive. I know you need to express yourself too (& that's great :tup: , & vent etc).

I came back to add but really @Simply Simon has said so much, I totally agree.

I just wanted to say (& with the caveat it's JMHO/Experiences ) but I have no regret over who I left. I DO have regret over how, but I was running wide-open. And dozens of 'relationship-starts' crashed for me ('us') on take-off in flight. (I don't regret those either). Some of these men were (seemed) to be wonderful people/ very good men, even. But it wasn't a good fit.

Understanding goes a huge way, combined with compassion, love, support etc. But it's not for most people. Personally, I think what is an awful feeling is feeling like a person is parenting or controlling or punitive. I can't handle the stress of trying to mind read or stuff. And 'we' ('I') do better with just honesty. And kindness, patience, explaining what is 'obvious' to others perhaps, but not necessarily to me. Because amidst everything else I will assume the worst, about myself as well. For example, re: her (potential) apology, were it myself apologizing I would feel sorry about it, but also because ptsd is so hard for me to navigate, I'd feel even worse for the other & badly about myself. I would feel it best to leave. (And btw, it 'shows' if you truly forgive & understand, but also too if you resent etc, even to ptsd-sufferers.)

Also for myself with ptsd, it takes me a very very very long time to get to where other people are. I can, but rarely in any way shape or form someone might expect me to.

I do believe in love, but I believe in equality & respect & people being themselves, too. PTSD or not. Otherwise, what's the point? :wideeyed: :confused:

Words & actions.

Best wishes to you.

 

[JT80]

No, all of it is really good feedback that I need. So don't leave if you have something you'd like to share. The mingling of both sufferers and supporters is the one thing I love about this place.

I am legally a full-time caretaker to an immediate family member who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder (or Disassociative Identity Disorder as they call it now). She is medicated and her "bad days" are few, but I basically live my whole life around a mental illness and always have done. When she disassociates, I can get dragged into her state and even though she's talking in a different accent, or is 5 years old again or yelling hate and abuse at me while she refers to herself as a different name to her own, there's nothing I can do but make sure her needs are met and she's not going to hurt herself or anyone else and just wait until she comes back.

I guess because of having to go through many chats with her MD and psychiatrists to learn how to live with someone diagnosed with one of the rarest psychological disorders known to medical history that 6 months ago when I got told from my partner (not the sufferer of Disassociative Identity Disorder) "I have PTSD that I'm not handling. It messes with my head, I'm always on edge and I can't relax". It kind of made me think that I've lived as a supporter of a mental illness for so long that I'm used to it - this is probably why I am a "slow to anger" type of person that doesn't take things personally.

The thing is, Disassociative Identity Disorder and PTSD are two separate issues. Where I went into this supporting my PTSD sufferer similar to what I do my DID sufferer thinking they all stemmed from the same kind of thing, so it can't be too different and I was wrong. So whenever my sufferer pushed (for example), I was relating the push to how I handle things when the DID sufferer I look after disassociates.

In all instances of a pull from my PTSD sufferer, she'd apologise and say, "I'm sorry, it's this PTSD". Because every behaviour basically is so black and white in the DID sufferer, I figured it was the same for the PTSD sufferer.

This is why when I started getting confused, frustrated, emotionally drained by my girlfriend, I realised that I really needed to research into what is actually going on. Sure, not everything is an excuse for her PTSD. Sure, not everything she says to me is all because of the PTSD. But having a better understanding of just how her head works during a confusing moment is absolutely necessary for my own reasons to continue supporting her. It has only been 6 months, yes, and I am not locked into any huge commitment. We don't have children, we're not married, we live apart and don't have the ties that a lot do. But I do have my reasons (as every sufferer does in my position) to want to make it work and want to support her. If she doesn't want me here, she's definitely not obliged and I respect her decision to push me away and give her space every time we go through this. But that's what makes the push/pull hard to understand in my own point of view and why it's so different to anything I've experienced before (hence the need to better understand the disorder). If someone wants out, they'll leave. But the fact she continuously returns to me, apologising and saying she was just really stressed out and overwhelmed is different.

I don't know. I'm still learning. But if either of us decide we've had enough, we'll both walk away. But going through so many push/pulls, as a supporter you just can't tell and, absolutely, there needs to be boundaries for myself. That's what I'm working on at this present time. I hope this makes sense. I'm not going to read back through it before posting :P

But thank you for all your advice and opinions, good or bad. It's what I'm needing.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think you might not have gotten a clear interpretation of my feedback. Refer back to the schizophrenia example. If she stabs you, then visits you in the hospital and says, "Sorry, it's the voices in my head thing," does that mean you'll continue to tolerate being stabbed now and again?

I don't doubt that unmanaged PTSD is a major or only culprit in what you describe as a "push" (this is a new term for me? I call it being an ice queen when I do it... :D). What I am asking you to consider is whether that is acceptable behavior regarding you and your needs in a relationship.

If my...whatever-the-f*ck he is (not gonna call him "my sufferer." I'm a sufferer, and I don't wanna be called that) were behaving this way, I'd be out so fast the bells on the door wouldn't have a chance to clink. I can't deal. I almost pulled one of these on him, actually, but decided not to, and he said he would have just stopped trying to contact me within about 24 hours.

So. Anyway. Is the above because we both have mad PTSD on deck? Eh. Maybe. It's moot to even wonder about. Whether or not it's PTSD-related, obviously neither of us is willing to put up with that no contact total isolation bullshit, and continuing a relationship is contingent on us NOT doing that stuff. Do we constantly voice self-doubt and such? Sure, but we talk about it and move on. Proverbial doors do not close. FYI, similar to your situation in terms of connectedness--long distance, early stages, etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Mac80 your explanation provides much more context & background. Yes surely they are other disorders, though one never causes harm with patience or kindness (not to be confused with accepting abuse).

If this is what you want, I say forgive & forget. However with the caveat of only you know how she is like, I think personalities & temperments vary greatly.

You said:

In all instances of a pull from my PTSD sufferer, she'd apologise and say, "I'm sorry, it's this PTSD". Because every behaviour basically is so black and white in the DID sufferer, I figured it was the same for the PTSD sufferer.

which if you get to know about ptsd is kind of funny, because 'we' think far too frequently in black & white & need to learn not to! :laugh:

I still say though, while there is truth to the above that ptsd permeates so much (which though may not be really what she meant, or was not thinking of it that way), there can be no room for using it as an excuse. We are 'in our right mind' enough or enough times for most of us that like anything else the onus is on ourselves then to find a way to work around it, perhaps meet in the middle. If she knows it's out of control she has to try to get help (or it will repeat).

Not sure what else can be said. Very different situations for different people with ptsd too.

 

[JT80]

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. It's something I really do need to think about and something I need to consider greatly when it comes to the boundaries I need to place.

 

[ijustwannabefine]

Oh Mac80. I feel what you're going through. My partner is quick to anger. He is quick to push away. We have been together over a year and I feel that we're losing our relationship. He was in the Corps 20 years and only started exhibiting symptoms in our relationship after he retired. He used to bring me great joy. Now all I feel is pain and anguish and discomfort. I am constantly on egg shells. I must deal with my bad days all by myself. I can't even ask for a hug or a kiss. I've taken recently to daydreaming about other men which is something I never used to do. I even have found myself attaching to and crushing on another man. Good thing that man is a close friend...and gay. I feel isolated and pained. Loved one moment, hated the next. Like a desired support one moment and then the worst thing that ever happened to him the next. He will push me away for days at a time. No apologies from him though...just more of the same...telling me that I don't understand even though I have PTSD myself...he tells me that he's not right for me and it's not fair to me. And that it's up to me whether we remain together or not. He won't say "I love you" anymore and does not care if I say it, because, and I quote, "I'm too numb to care either way". *sighs* You're a good person for sticking around. I've about hit my limit. I am busy enough with work and my business that I will not break up with him to start dating again. I will allow him to remain in my life for the time being. And I will offer support where I can. But I am not going to give too much of myself anymore.

And why did I just tell you all of this? You are in a long distance relationship. Your foundation is being built upon all of this pain and suffering. I had a healthy foundation and I feel so much resentment for my partner because his treatment of me can be unbearable. If you are in pain and you are angry from the beginning how can you expect to be able to move forward? Your next relationship deserves the best of you, not the most bitter of you. I have a foundation that tells me that my boyfriend is a good person with a good heart who treats me well and doesn't do bad things to me, but instead takes care of me. You have no idea who this woman is when she doesn't have PTSD. You only know her manipulative and using behaviors and you are staying with her and not telling her that these behaviors are unacceptable.
I have had to train myself to leave when my boyfriend is poorly behaved. If he's mean to me, I don't care what time it is or that fact that I live almost an hour away. I'm out. I cry and tell him that it's not okay and I leave. He ruined my birthday by being a jerk. I left. He got upset that I was talking about going on a trip without telling him. I told him that it's not his business and I left.

You can't build a foundation on PTSD. If you had been with her beforehand I would have different advice, but she's clearly not in a place to deal with a relationship. She will not be able to treat you the way you deserve to be treated in a relationship. And because you allow her to do the back and forth without consequences, she may treat you like that forever.