Undiagnosed The Guilt Is Consuming Me

[onetwothreex]

Well hello everyone!

I am so full with guilt and shame right now, i wish i would not be on this planet. I used to be abused as a child by my mother who was an alcoholic, either mentally and physical. this messed me up a lot when i was a kid, and was taken away from her when i was 8 together with my little brother who was 4.

I got to a new school. Which was actually new for me in all ways because my mother never brought me to school. so i missed school from my 5th till my 8th i think. and i was way behind other kids at school. educational and social. I became a troublesome kid, who bullied a lot and was very confused. i began pulling out my eye leashes and ate them. also started pulling hair from my head, and did not knew that was wrong. I had all those kinds of strange habits which now i know are ridiculous. I had almost no friends at school, and except from being a bully i was a very scared kid also, and always thought people would wanna hit me for no reason. I created this fantasy world, where i thought everyone and everything on this planet existed because of me, that everything was here to be a part of my life, as if i was the only REAL person alive and everything else was fake. I really dont know why i had these crazy thoughts and fantasies, but i did.

the older i got the more i began to see the real world, but the pain and confusion still were there. I bullied kids on high school, but also got bullied by other kids. When i became older i joined the military and went to Afghanistan. i had a very rough tour and came back with ptsd, and got treated for that. On top of that my stepmother became sick 2 years ago (lung cancer). and i became a bit down. in the meanwhile i had a gf. and we lived together, we were engaged.
But i was starting to become a mess inside my head, and made a mistake one night at a bar and kissed another girl. i felt EXTREMELY guilty, and eventually confessed it to my gf. she was very upset but decided she wanted to stay with me, and we still got married a couple of months later. the marriage was a bit of sweet and sour because my stepmother died a month before our marriage, and my father decided to not come due to some family issues. so i felt abandoned. The idea that both my biological parents still lived but neither of them came to my marriage due to (my mother who abused me) and my father who did not come due to his personal issues with other family members was very hurtful to me. For the 10000th time i felt left alone.

Ever since the thing with the other girl happened (kiss) and my stepmother(s) sickness combined with my messed up mental state due to my childhood i became severely depressed with serious suicidal thoughts. i was SO DEPRESSED at my own wedding i felt guilty towards everyone who came. Ever since this guilt / depression kicked in i feel guilty for all my sins i ever had. i feel like i am responsible for all my mistakes (and i am). but i dont know how to forgive myself. i know i am a changed person right now. i became very sensitive and caring, and have a lot of empathy towards others. I started thinking about all the wrongs i did. and one of them which controls my life right now is how i mistreated my dog. not like kicking and punching. but i used to pull the leash very hard until he gagged, one night he choked on a piece of bone and he kept trying to swallow it, so i kinda sorta choked him so the bone would not go any further, and it worked it got out. but somehow ever since i became fascinated with him gagging on food, and so some times i would sort of choke him until he gagged and then i let go, i found it funny..... but afterwards i always felt very guilty. Another time i was walking him, and i wondered if he could swim, so i sorta got him half in the water and he started peddling very hard, i started to laugh but did not let him go under water and took him out real quick. And then there is another thing, always when i was busy cooking in the kitchen he would come sit besides of me and beg for food. so i got tired from it and threw some grounded black pepper at him. and that made him sneeze and squeezed his eyes. this to i have done multiple times.
Also sometimes i would wait for a long time to take him out for a walk, and then he finally needed to pee really bad, and sometimes i sorta poked his belly, so it made him even more willing to pee.
Now when i think back about those things i feel like such a bad person. I cry EVERY day. and my wife does not know what is going on with me (because she does not know i bullied the dog so much).
I am so SORRY. i cry for my dog every day, i miss him so much. sure there are other things i did to bully him but right now am so ashamed. why would i do those things?

i love(d) the dog very much. but had these weird tendencies of bullying it sometimes..... am i sick?

the dog died last year due to his age (15)

but had already been with another family member since 2 years ago, due to allergic reactions from my wife. i wish i could just see the dog one more time and hug and cuddle him, and apologize. i cry everyday for him. i feel his pain, i know how scared he sometimes must have been, because i was like that exactly as a kid. 1 year ago i got 2 kittens and i love them to death. i would never hurt them. they are like my baby's. but that makes me so sad, because i wish i could have given that to the dog if he were here right now. dont mistake me i did a lot of nice things with the dog as well, gave him a lot of nice stuff. cuddled with him talked with him. layed together on the couch and all that kind of stuff. but i also mistreated him


It is almost as if i have Always lived unconsciously. being driven by my ego. And the night i kissed another girl something changed inside of me. suddenly i understood the things i did were wrong. I really am a loving person. i give alot of people love, i listen to them make time for them.

since i became like this i put myself lowest on my list. i never buy myself stuff anymore, because i feel like i dont deserve it. And recently been having thought to divorce my wife because she does not deserve someone like me. i do not deserve to live on this planet anymore, i am a waste of space, just garbage is what i am.


At this moment with all my heart i feel so much regret and shame for the person i was. i just want to make everything right!

but now i think others and the world would be better off if i am dead.

 

[Autumn76]

I'm sure your wife doesn't think you are a waste of space and it would hurt her if you weren't around. Have you thought about counseling? I think it's very important and it's easy to get into. All you have to do is grab a phone book and look them up, call and tell them you need to see someone. Might take a week to get in unless you tell then it's urgent

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the Forum :)

I flew by the seat of my pants my whole life, as well as thrived on praise &/or competition from any quarter... Until one day I got an attagirl from someone I did not like and did not respect, while at the same time hugely disappointed & disgusted someone I liked and respected very much. It had probably happened before. That just happened to be the first time I cared. Hit me like a lead brick.

One of those reevaluate everything shifts in life. Also when I developed my own moral code, instead of following other people's (or doing whatever the f*ck I felt like at the time). It was a good thing. I was also a very, very hard thing. In part because I could no longer simply follow those I liked and respected. I had to be right with myself first. And sometimes that meant disagreeing with those I liked and respected. I still listened. I've learned to check myself hard if I'm catching flak from that quarter, just the same as getting praise from assholes, but if I'm right with it? Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Self respect.

I was lucky... I was in the middle of being very, very busy at the time. In a way that also let me seriously thrash out the edges and limits of that code. It wasn't until later, much later, after the cold hard left that I got sucked down into the guilt/shame/depression abyss. For the things I did, the things I didn't do, the things I wished I had done differently. Especially from before I thrashed out my own shit, but also from when I was learning, or broke with it after. Regret.

PTSD adds an extra sharp edge to that. My PTSD is also tied up in things I did, & things I didn't do. So there is some overlap that is sometimes difficult to sort, but it's a different level. Still, remorse & regret gut me. And that provides easy access* for PTSD to get wildly out of hand and the whole thing snowballs if I don't sort that shit pronto.

_______


* As an example of that, since we're regretting dogs right now... My dog was my best friend, for years my only friend, and he was dying, so I killed him. It was the right thing to do, and it was clean and fast, but I still mishandled it. I should have waited. A few minutes, an hour, I don't know. But I had to right then, or I wouldn't have been able to. I knew it was wrong the moment I did it. I regret that. Deeply. Where PTSD sinks it's motherf*cking claws in... That regret snowballed. I couldn't simply grieve for my dog & my friend. Instead I was hit by the deaths of everyone who ever trusted me (that I blame myself for, right or wrong... and some are seriously wrong. I know in my head I was 1,000 miles away or as good as. My heart doesn't listen to my head, much.). Of everyone who bled out that I couldn't save when I tried to. Of being responsible and making the wrong f*cking call. Of everyone I didn't give a f*ck about at the time/ made the right call... Laughing at me in my head. I can help someone I don't love, but not someone I loved? Betrayer. Fraud. Worthless, useless... & worse. Sigh. f*cking ghosts, piling on. PTSD makes hard things, so much much harder, sometimes.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum.

i love(d) the dog very much. but had these weird tendencies of bullying it sometimes..... am i sick?

Calculated and deliberate mistreatment if an animal is a read flag for many disorders and you should seek help from a mental health professional especially in this regard. I would also suggest that you refrain from having pets, being alone around small children or anyone or anything that is vulnerable and defenseless. I have no doubt that you feel shame, remorse and other things after the fact, but these deterrents were not enough to keep you from inflicting pain on your dog on multiple occasions. This is something you should address immediately.

 

[onetwothreex]

Welcome to the forum.



Calculated and deliberate mistreatment if an animal is a read flag for many...

Well i guess i know what you mean.


but i have to say that at this point. I know for 100% that such things would never happen again. It only happened with the dog.

I never did these things to other people or animals.

I have had other pets, and now have 2 cats.

I never hurt em and never will. also i have no such tendecies.
I take time for my cats every day. i pick em up stroke them until they fall asleep in my arms. it just feels so good to know they feel safe around me.


Also i am great around kids. the fact you said i should not be around them makes me feel really sad. almost as if i am a child molester?

am i?


look. 1,5 yrs ago something struck me. i finally saw that bullying the dog, and or kissing another girl were bad.

I have been beating myself up day after day from that moment. up until the point i feel like quitting life is my only solution to make things right.


there is just one thing i want to make clear. despite all the bullying and abusive behavior towards my former dog. i never really did it to HURT him. i never thought: i want to see him having pain.
just to make an example: whenever i accidentally stood on his tail for an example i always felt bad and would stroke and cuddle with him

The reason i did them were because i was less able to think about how my actions would hurt others.

 

[Beech]

It sounds to me like you've been abused and bullied. You've felt out of control.

I also, to this day have an imaginary world no one else can see. It's a childhood habit that hasn't gone away. I fixate on it because I feel more in control of that world than this one.
It seems to me that your fantasy about everyone being here just for you may have caused you to not fully empathise with your dog at the time - but now you do and are sorry. Sometimes it takes us abused kids a bit longer to grow up than everyone else because he haven't had the right guidance.

We've all done shitty things in the past, I'm sure your dog knew you loved him. Just focus on being a good person in the future - that's all you can do!

 

[intheprocess]

I think you need therapy right away. You are dealing with a lot and it's time for relief through therapy.

 

[onetwothreex]

I just really want to share with you guys that this happened couple of years ago. never EVER did something like this happened again. the moment i got depressed due to other complications i also started to feel bad about this topic.

I have 2 kats for more then a year now and NEVER ever hurt em once and also never had the tendecies or whatever to do so.

Furthermore. i have never hit or kicked the dog.

i guess i sometimes just felt the need to bully something / someone.

I have been a bully as a kid to. ialways bullied my little brother. and bullied kids on high school. Talking about that, yesterday i wrote an message to an old class mate who i used to bully and gave him my apologies. (this is 12 years later).

I hope this shows you guys that i am a changed person. i feel regret and shame ( A LOT).

I also apologised to my little brother, and recently started confessing to my family that i lied alot to them.


I see now that i was not a perfect person. but i also feel like i never intended to REALLY hurt anyone or anything.

I am not trying to say that what i did was not bad. but please beleive me when i say I CHANGED.

I feel so much empathy now. ( alot more then most people) that i know for sure. i see how other people around me are suffering while others dont notive them. I want to help those people, i want all of you guys here o nthis forum to get better, i really do.

You guys all had your pain(s) and suffering, and i really do feel sorry for all of you.


My wife's little sister was depressed to a while back. i helped her so much. gave her all kinds of nutritional advice and talked to her alot. she knows i am depressed to, but she never ever tried to talk to me out of her own.

she now is no longer depressed, while she knows i am. but she never calls me, or whatever.

That is how i know i am emotionally more involved with others then alot of other people. i see it happening, and i experience it myself.


I blame myself so much for what i have done in the past, that EVERYTHING i do, buy or say is what someone else would like to do, hear, eat or talk about.


when have i punished myself enough, and can start living for ME again?


Or do you guys also think that i should sacrife the rest of my life for others? and be a slave of my guilt?

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @onetwothreex -

Or do you guys also think that i should sacrife the rest of my life for others? and be a slave of my guilt?

No, I don't think anyone would advocate that. I can tell you are feeling a great deal of guilt and shame. That is not stuff that anyone can carry around for long - and it doesn't just disappear (as you probably know).

i guess i sometimes just felt the need to bully something / someone.

This might come back, and it would not be a surprising thing if it did. It's clear you would like to have relief from your shame, and that you are open to receiving help.

Is there a reason you have not tried to see a therapist?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why does your label say undiagnosed when you've already been treated for PTSD?

 

[onetwothreex]

Welcome, @onetwothreex -

No, I don't think anyone would advocate that. I can t...

Well actually i do see a therapist, and i go to groups counseling. the group counseling is for 12 months. and i now have only 2 months left.

While your in groups counseling they don't do individual counseling because they could interfere with each other.

The fact is. i never talked about the dog subject yet in the group or individually. Because some people in the group have dogs to. And i think i am just to scared to anger them with my past mistake's.

There is some kind of trust in the group, and we have shared a lot of personal issues with each other. But this subject just goes a bit to far for me.

I am afraid people will see me as a animal abuser. which i really am not. But i know people could think i am.


Everytime i hear stuff about animal cruelty i feel so bad, i get so angry at people who do that. but at the same time i am hurting so much, because i used to be an a*** hole to my dog as well.


What i am about to write now is a serious trigger warning regarding the suicidal topic.

This morning i woke up and felt terrible. my head was pounding, and i could not stop thinking about a post made earlier here. the post i should not have any pets, or be around children.

That post has really struck me, and made me feel like an complete a*** hole. one who does not deserve to live.

So i walked to my dressing room, grabbed my Jiu-jitsu belt, and wrapped it around my neck. i sat down in front of my dressing room door. there was a mirror hanging right in front on me and i looked myself in the eyes. i knotted the belt around the door handle, and started putting pressure on the belt, choking myself.

Suddenly i thought about my wife and cats and bursted out in a huge crying spell. the ones you only see kids doing.

I love my wife and cats to much, that i could not finish the job.