I am wondering, how do you deal when you have a good day?
I can almost feel something creeping into my good day....and I have been feeling and listening to music...I know it has gradually been reappearing in my life..but today I have had music on all day and it has felt good to hear it.
I have felt good deep inside of me...my very core. And it has felt very strange, very surreal. I have been singing and bouncy and a generally all round happy fin. It has been so weird for me, so long a time since last I even dreamed of feeling the good stuff, let alone actually doing.
In amongst all the pain and everything of the PTSD; this week has still begun to shine. And this is just soo good for me.
I have been told by various people that have been in touch by phone I sound different, even on Sunday when I thought I would never feel anything good ever again in my life, a friend called and she saw mejust after I had been listening to something that brought me back good memoreis; someone gave me a "Kinks" thing/album/ kind-of-thingy, and I was so overwhemled and overcome and so much came out of me in the hours after, just so very amazing. My friend could see I had been having a hard time...we dont see each other often she lives far, and yet she also knew something was happening for me, in me.
And my son he gave me James Morrisson for my birthday and this week I have not been able to get enough of one track from it. And then today...like opening "boxes" of music and just each song was like I was hearing it again for the first time. Each moment feels new, and each moment seems to be bringing something else out in me. Yesterday was kind of special and this week has just been very different.
And today coming here, I have been able to laugh and again cry also, but it is all cool. So much comes out, when you let it.
You have to want to let it work, and give out and then let it in. Give up the pretense, because the only person that gets hurt by it is ourselves. The pretense that we are ok and everything in the world is roses when it isn't. I know I gave up on the world some time ago, so less outward pretense and maybe more inward, or rather even not pretense just keeping it pushed down and thinking it would at some point work out. An dmost of that has been waiting for treatment, that never came, until I came here. This has been a lifeline and I dont think I see a day when I will ever stop saying that. No matter how bad it gets, I am here for the long haul. I know only I can do this, I know that this has to come from me, but it is so good to be able to to do this here, because despite coping for years with PTSD and not even knowing or being diagnosed with it, I had no ide any longer how to get through, and this place has shown me, and allowed me to do it here in safely.
So the world is creeping back in and it is good. I am not so afraid or so alone anymore. And it is really begining to show in me.
I am at the same time though worried some, and I know that some of this is coming from the PTSD, because I know I am very far from being ok and cool etc...and I know I will be PTSD always. I have written and put myself out here, and this week while being and feeling positive I have steered clear to some extent of re working my traumas, and it has been very full on recently for me in that respect. The thing is I almost feel like I willl be tempting fate to start to explore more again right now, and I know that this is a ridiculous idea also. Because I have learnt that it has been through tearing myself open and really working on this that I have been able to learn and move forward. So it makes no sense to me logically that I should stop, but I do feel like I have to right now. Because I have this nagging doubt, this fear and I seem to be almost giving it more airtime in my head than it deserves, but I know I have to acknowledge that it is there. I know I have to keep working on this-all of it; and then go back and start again. I know this, and I have no problem with doing this...because there is a hell of a lot more I have yet to look at and even beging to work on.
I am amazed at what I have been able to work through, and points of emotional feeling and understanding for myself that I have come to. And I know so much of it comes down to the good people here that have steadied me when I was going to fall, and even people that caught me mid-air, so I have a lot ot be grateful for ...
This is kind of funny-ish; I have tried to figure the maths and wonder how much therapy time I would have received if I was going to a psych. instead of working through this myself...I dont think it can even equate right now. I know it has been day and night , night and day.
I know I am begining to take care of myself now and that sleep is definitely begining to come. I have much more of an interest in life again now, MY life, and that is unusual to say the least. In fact that is a first in a long time...I am actually begining to see that maybe I can have a life again. And am starting to look at everything and review better- I think, some kind of hope.
So under all this is this little thing going on...and I know it will bite me soon, I am trying to prepare for it and know how to combat it.
And so I ask you...how do you cope with the guilt of having a good day?
Especially as for me, I have been coming to terms with the loss of someone (I can say that better now). I have been through different points of mourning and grief in this last week and sprinkled all through this has been this happiness. And it feels like it is at odds with how I should really be feeling, and that to me feels like I should be distraught.... still. I say "still" because I have really pushed this down for a long time, but that one moment of horrific distress has been caught -in the exact moment that it happened- within me for over 20 years. I know there is more but this was something that came out just this last week or so... And I am continuing to work on it so that is good in itself.
I am not afraid to work on these things, if you are reading this, and wondering how to begin to work through well know it is ok and safe, and trust yourself to open up, it is you you are opeing up to as well as others here.
So I am trying to reconcile guilt at being able to laugh today and feeling happy and singy...and being a truely upbeat bright eyed and bushy tailed fin.
So please, how do you live with the guilt of a good day?
bright eyed & bushy tailed
~fin
I can almost feel something creeping into my good day....and I have been feeling and listening to music...I know it has gradually been reappearing in my life..but today I have had music on all day and it has felt good to hear it.
I have felt good deep inside of me...my very core. And it has felt very strange, very surreal. I have been singing and bouncy and a generally all round happy fin. It has been so weird for me, so long a time since last I even dreamed of feeling the good stuff, let alone actually doing.
In amongst all the pain and everything of the PTSD; this week has still begun to shine. And this is just soo good for me.
I have been told by various people that have been in touch by phone I sound different, even on Sunday when I thought I would never feel anything good ever again in my life, a friend called and she saw mejust after I had been listening to something that brought me back good memoreis; someone gave me a "Kinks" thing/album/ kind-of-thingy, and I was so overwhemled and overcome and so much came out of me in the hours after, just so very amazing. My friend could see I had been having a hard time...we dont see each other often she lives far, and yet she also knew something was happening for me, in me.
And my son he gave me James Morrisson for my birthday and this week I have not been able to get enough of one track from it. And then today...like opening "boxes" of music and just each song was like I was hearing it again for the first time. Each moment feels new, and each moment seems to be bringing something else out in me. Yesterday was kind of special and this week has just been very different.
And today coming here, I have been able to laugh and again cry also, but it is all cool. So much comes out, when you let it.
You have to want to let it work, and give out and then let it in. Give up the pretense, because the only person that gets hurt by it is ourselves. The pretense that we are ok and everything in the world is roses when it isn't. I know I gave up on the world some time ago, so less outward pretense and maybe more inward, or rather even not pretense just keeping it pushed down and thinking it would at some point work out. An dmost of that has been waiting for treatment, that never came, until I came here. This has been a lifeline and I dont think I see a day when I will ever stop saying that. No matter how bad it gets, I am here for the long haul. I know only I can do this, I know that this has to come from me, but it is so good to be able to to do this here, because despite coping for years with PTSD and not even knowing or being diagnosed with it, I had no ide any longer how to get through, and this place has shown me, and allowed me to do it here in safely.
So the world is creeping back in and it is good. I am not so afraid or so alone anymore. And it is really begining to show in me.
I am at the same time though worried some, and I know that some of this is coming from the PTSD, because I know I am very far from being ok and cool etc...and I know I will be PTSD always. I have written and put myself out here, and this week while being and feeling positive I have steered clear to some extent of re working my traumas, and it has been very full on recently for me in that respect. The thing is I almost feel like I willl be tempting fate to start to explore more again right now, and I know that this is a ridiculous idea also. Because I have learnt that it has been through tearing myself open and really working on this that I have been able to learn and move forward. So it makes no sense to me logically that I should stop, but I do feel like I have to right now. Because I have this nagging doubt, this fear and I seem to be almost giving it more airtime in my head than it deserves, but I know I have to acknowledge that it is there. I know I have to keep working on this-all of it; and then go back and start again. I know this, and I have no problem with doing this...because there is a hell of a lot more I have yet to look at and even beging to work on.
I am amazed at what I have been able to work through, and points of emotional feeling and understanding for myself that I have come to. And I know so much of it comes down to the good people here that have steadied me when I was going to fall, and even people that caught me mid-air, so I have a lot ot be grateful for ...
This is kind of funny-ish; I have tried to figure the maths and wonder how much therapy time I would have received if I was going to a psych. instead of working through this myself...I dont think it can even equate right now. I know it has been day and night , night and day.
I know I am begining to take care of myself now and that sleep is definitely begining to come. I have much more of an interest in life again now, MY life, and that is unusual to say the least. In fact that is a first in a long time...I am actually begining to see that maybe I can have a life again. And am starting to look at everything and review better- I think, some kind of hope.
So under all this is this little thing going on...and I know it will bite me soon, I am trying to prepare for it and know how to combat it.
And so I ask you...how do you cope with the guilt of having a good day?
Especially as for me, I have been coming to terms with the loss of someone (I can say that better now). I have been through different points of mourning and grief in this last week and sprinkled all through this has been this happiness. And it feels like it is at odds with how I should really be feeling, and that to me feels like I should be distraught.... still. I say "still" because I have really pushed this down for a long time, but that one moment of horrific distress has been caught -in the exact moment that it happened- within me for over 20 years. I know there is more but this was something that came out just this last week or so... And I am continuing to work on it so that is good in itself.
I am not afraid to work on these things, if you are reading this, and wondering how to begin to work through well know it is ok and safe, and trust yourself to open up, it is you you are opeing up to as well as others here.
So I am trying to reconcile guilt at being able to laugh today and feeling happy and singy...and being a truely upbeat bright eyed and bushy tailed fin.
So please, how do you live with the guilt of a good day?
bright eyed & bushy tailed
~fin
