Hi I recently found this forum and am so glad I don't feel alone anymore...I feel very guilty. I could write a book to explain my situation but im looking for advice in a situation that makes my feelings feel trapped.
I dont suffer from anxiety or ptsd but I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend who has had it for most of her life. I met her 2 years ago and we instantly fell in love. We were perfection but over time our flaws chipped away at us.
She has had a terrible past. Childhood battle of osteosarcoma cancer, no high school because of it, family issues, problems within the family. Alcoholic father, drug addict and suicidal brother constant drama in her life, she always prevailed. But she developed a lot of issues because of it. The 28 rounds of chemo and 4 bone transplant surgerys years of living in the hospital didn't help either.
But because of those things she is the sweetest woman I've ever met. Will give you her clothes off her back literally. She lives for love and loves love. And because of everything she went thru she has a need to give back. She's in nursing school works a full time job and still manages to deal with me.
But when the panic attacks kick in I'm dating a whole other being entirely. I knew what they were to an extent she let me be aware from somewhat the start but over time the comfort of me being in her life the comfort of unloading on me came as well. Over time I know things that I've done did not help her issues of fear panic anxiety and everything that ties in with anxiety in itself. There were times she ended up going to the hospital for a couple hours because of an attack nd I'm at work and wasn't able to be there and they have always been used against me its hard to understand why such a sweet person can call you every name in the book take a moment and exaggerate the emotion to the point where nothing I say is helping, when you don't understand who this person is in the beginning.
Over time I started to understand her triggers. But most times I couldn't escape her anger. I couldn't escape her feelings. If I hang up or avoid her outburst or try to calm her I made it worse by her blowing up my phone till I answered. Its almost as if I was expected to have her unleash on me and if I didn't allow it "I didn't care". and I can't express that these things hurt me because if I do she tells me that I make her feel like a cripple.
That's not my goal. That's not my heart. I love this girl and only want the best but that doesnt mean make me a doormatt. because of her past health she's sick a lot. I'm a barber I work 10 hours a day 5 days a week Sundays and Mondays the full day are hers for the taking while also seeing her thru the week as well.
But if I do something for me I'm made to feel guilty. If she's sick I come take care of her. Stop and walgreens buy meds be with her make her tea. Be by her side. Be by her side during her family drama. Be by her side when Her dog passes. Be by her side every second looking while Her mother got lost and went missing for a day. Those are just a couple moments.
Shes had such an unlucky life that I feel like God put me in her life to see new hope to see something different other than pain and suffering. She found God again and I try to be an example of light to her. its been a roller coaster and I'm only scratching the surface on top of the surface..
But I know I haven't helped her doubt with the times that made her doubtful. Im human and admit my flaws but to someone that suffers from what she suffera from. Moments of doubt only make things worse for us to an extreme level. I've done so much good but the bad that I've done of not being at the hospital those couple moments she can't let go.
Then the major thing was she found out she was pregnant. I handled it the best way I could very respectfully. Later That night I got fussy with her out of fear and we argued. I was wrong but honestly scared because it came out of no where. Im 24 at the time she's 25 we both live at home pursuing our dreams and futures. I was prepared but was just told so was learning how to understand the situation.
Literally the next day early morning panic attack she ends up having a miscarage at home which only brought more trauma I wasn't there and didn't know she had a misscarrage till after a panic attack was unleashed on me and she tells me. Now I'm at blame for that as well. Another on the list.
I show up to her house sit outside for hours shes a wreak and won't let me in literally and emotionally I got it good that day.
And I don't blame her. Idk how I would ever be if I was handed her cards of life. I just feel guilty and trapped for feeling like I never know and never feel like I'm doing the right thing in her eyes. I get blamed for having a "regular life" I get shamed for the times I fail as a human.
I own up to my faults and don't want her to be ok with my shortcoming. But simply understand that I'm trying to learn and cope and understand. All while learning how to handle someone who's always sick. Always needed by me. Always blaming me for her problems. Always making me feel like I have to accept her harsh nasty words to me and that she can't help it. Making me feel like if I bring up the elephant in the room its gonna start world war three.
We've had so many great times and so many terrible scary times. The worst part about it is I know who she is deep inside I know who she so desperately wants to be. And it breaks my heart Cuz I want that for her as well.
But its so hard being everything for someone without loosing yourself in the process. Its hard when your told nasty things about yourself at the top of her lungs And the next day its as if it was never said. U start to believe it.
She feels guilty so she would rather not say anything. I'm expected to always be there while also expected to just take what's dished out. She's been going to therapy and I'm proud of her. She's been making progress, but she thinks I don't see. She's at a point of not seeing reality for what it really is.
Im so scared to talk about things because I always make it worse. Its the touchiest subject. I don't always handle them the best. I know I'm supposed to handle it but sometimes I feel trapped within my own relationship. Trapped because the world is expected of me but I'm expected to just deal with what happens to her.
I can't be made to feel like its all my fault always. I can't accept unloading everytime she has to unload. I'm compassionate and she says do this when it happens do that when it happens. But I'm always pushed away and then scolded for listening to her command. Its like I have to decifer weather she means it or not.
Its all so desperately confusing. She has reasons to doubt me but can't forgive and see the good in me. She's so clouded by her past and her thoughts and worry and anxiety that everything I do becomes forgoten as if ive never done a lick of good. Im understanding and know that i have to be patient with her and know that im not the best at it. But im forgiving about her issues but its starting to boil up to the point where idk if what im doing is causing me to loose my mind.
And feel guilty about abandoning her. I feel guilty because i do love her and dont want her assumptions of me and false ideas of me to be comfirmed because i can no longer handle it. I dont expect her to not have a panic attack or flashback or anxiety. I truly dont i only expect her to not make me feel like a person who has to accept her direct blows and be ok with whats done. Im here to help not be a punching bag.
Don't get me wrong sometimes she apologizes but sometimes she even carries those same thoughts she knew were thoughts of anxiety and whens she's calm still use them and she's admitted that and apologized for that.
But at this point i cant tell whats what. Almost as a guilty thing so she doesn't look bad. Kinda so she can make me feel she does think this way and its not because of panic this time.
Long story short I know I've done a heap of good in her life. I've done so much more than what a "regular relationship" requires. But I know I've damaged her because of trust in a way that in a "normal" relationship can totally be workable.
All in all. I need help. I need advice. On what I should do. I dont mean to come off offensive rude missunderstanding or anything negative. I strictly come from a loving heart that only wants to bring her the happiness and love she deserves.
What should i ask of her?. How do i get thru to her that its gunna be ok and prove it takes time for change no matter who you are. U don't have to feel guilty for hurting others out of your control. I just want her to accept me for me like I'm trying to accept her for her.
I dont suffer from anxiety or ptsd but I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend who has had it for most of her life. I met her 2 years ago and we instantly fell in love. We were perfection but over time our flaws chipped away at us.
She has had a terrible past. Childhood battle of osteosarcoma cancer, no high school because of it, family issues, problems within the family. Alcoholic father, drug addict and suicidal brother constant drama in her life, she always prevailed. But she developed a lot of issues because of it. The 28 rounds of chemo and 4 bone transplant surgerys years of living in the hospital didn't help either.
But because of those things she is the sweetest woman I've ever met. Will give you her clothes off her back literally. She lives for love and loves love. And because of everything she went thru she has a need to give back. She's in nursing school works a full time job and still manages to deal with me.
But when the panic attacks kick in I'm dating a whole other being entirely. I knew what they were to an extent she let me be aware from somewhat the start but over time the comfort of me being in her life the comfort of unloading on me came as well. Over time I know things that I've done did not help her issues of fear panic anxiety and everything that ties in with anxiety in itself. There were times she ended up going to the hospital for a couple hours because of an attack nd I'm at work and wasn't able to be there and they have always been used against me its hard to understand why such a sweet person can call you every name in the book take a moment and exaggerate the emotion to the point where nothing I say is helping, when you don't understand who this person is in the beginning.
Over time I started to understand her triggers. But most times I couldn't escape her anger. I couldn't escape her feelings. If I hang up or avoid her outburst or try to calm her I made it worse by her blowing up my phone till I answered. Its almost as if I was expected to have her unleash on me and if I didn't allow it "I didn't care". and I can't express that these things hurt me because if I do she tells me that I make her feel like a cripple.
That's not my goal. That's not my heart. I love this girl and only want the best but that doesnt mean make me a doormatt. because of her past health she's sick a lot. I'm a barber I work 10 hours a day 5 days a week Sundays and Mondays the full day are hers for the taking while also seeing her thru the week as well.
But if I do something for me I'm made to feel guilty. If she's sick I come take care of her. Stop and walgreens buy meds be with her make her tea. Be by her side. Be by her side during her family drama. Be by her side when Her dog passes. Be by her side every second looking while Her mother got lost and went missing for a day. Those are just a couple moments.
Shes had such an unlucky life that I feel like God put me in her life to see new hope to see something different other than pain and suffering. She found God again and I try to be an example of light to her. its been a roller coaster and I'm only scratching the surface on top of the surface..
But I know I haven't helped her doubt with the times that made her doubtful. Im human and admit my flaws but to someone that suffers from what she suffera from. Moments of doubt only make things worse for us to an extreme level. I've done so much good but the bad that I've done of not being at the hospital those couple moments she can't let go.
Then the major thing was she found out she was pregnant. I handled it the best way I could very respectfully. Later That night I got fussy with her out of fear and we argued. I was wrong but honestly scared because it came out of no where. Im 24 at the time she's 25 we both live at home pursuing our dreams and futures. I was prepared but was just told so was learning how to understand the situation.
Literally the next day early morning panic attack she ends up having a miscarage at home which only brought more trauma I wasn't there and didn't know she had a misscarrage till after a panic attack was unleashed on me and she tells me. Now I'm at blame for that as well. Another on the list.
I show up to her house sit outside for hours shes a wreak and won't let me in literally and emotionally I got it good that day.
And I don't blame her. Idk how I would ever be if I was handed her cards of life. I just feel guilty and trapped for feeling like I never know and never feel like I'm doing the right thing in her eyes. I get blamed for having a "regular life" I get shamed for the times I fail as a human.
I own up to my faults and don't want her to be ok with my shortcoming. But simply understand that I'm trying to learn and cope and understand. All while learning how to handle someone who's always sick. Always needed by me. Always blaming me for her problems. Always making me feel like I have to accept her harsh nasty words to me and that she can't help it. Making me feel like if I bring up the elephant in the room its gonna start world war three.
We've had so many great times and so many terrible scary times. The worst part about it is I know who she is deep inside I know who she so desperately wants to be. And it breaks my heart Cuz I want that for her as well.
But its so hard being everything for someone without loosing yourself in the process. Its hard when your told nasty things about yourself at the top of her lungs And the next day its as if it was never said. U start to believe it.
She feels guilty so she would rather not say anything. I'm expected to always be there while also expected to just take what's dished out. She's been going to therapy and I'm proud of her. She's been making progress, but she thinks I don't see. She's at a point of not seeing reality for what it really is.
Im so scared to talk about things because I always make it worse. Its the touchiest subject. I don't always handle them the best. I know I'm supposed to handle it but sometimes I feel trapped within my own relationship. Trapped because the world is expected of me but I'm expected to just deal with what happens to her.
I can't be made to feel like its all my fault always. I can't accept unloading everytime she has to unload. I'm compassionate and she says do this when it happens do that when it happens. But I'm always pushed away and then scolded for listening to her command. Its like I have to decifer weather she means it or not.
Its all so desperately confusing. She has reasons to doubt me but can't forgive and see the good in me. She's so clouded by her past and her thoughts and worry and anxiety that everything I do becomes forgoten as if ive never done a lick of good. Im understanding and know that i have to be patient with her and know that im not the best at it. But im forgiving about her issues but its starting to boil up to the point where idk if what im doing is causing me to loose my mind.
And feel guilty about abandoning her. I feel guilty because i do love her and dont want her assumptions of me and false ideas of me to be comfirmed because i can no longer handle it. I dont expect her to not have a panic attack or flashback or anxiety. I truly dont i only expect her to not make me feel like a person who has to accept her direct blows and be ok with whats done. Im here to help not be a punching bag.
Don't get me wrong sometimes she apologizes but sometimes she even carries those same thoughts she knew were thoughts of anxiety and whens she's calm still use them and she's admitted that and apologized for that.
But at this point i cant tell whats what. Almost as a guilty thing so she doesn't look bad. Kinda so she can make me feel she does think this way and its not because of panic this time.
Long story short I know I've done a heap of good in her life. I've done so much more than what a "regular relationship" requires. But I know I've damaged her because of trust in a way that in a "normal" relationship can totally be workable.
All in all. I need help. I need advice. On what I should do. I dont mean to come off offensive rude missunderstanding or anything negative. I strictly come from a loving heart that only wants to bring her the happiness and love she deserves.
What should i ask of her?. How do i get thru to her that its gunna be ok and prove it takes time for change no matter who you are. U don't have to feel guilty for hurting others out of your control. I just want her to accept me for me like I'm trying to accept her for her.
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