The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ladee]

For the first time in your life Mums, the people around you, are capable of taking care of them selves. What we need from you, you are already doing. Taking care of yourself.

Sorry that you feel shame. But you have time to work that out. Feel it to the other side. You are exhausted. This is not your past. This is here and now. You do not have to push push push to be present for anyone but yourself. I have been where you are. Many here have been where you are now.

And this part gets to be about YOU. This is the most loving gift you can give yourself and us, is to continue doing what you are doing... healing. You don't have to be commenting to others to be supportive or setting an example of healing. We are reading you, supporting you. Hearing you. Listening. That's all that's really needed, for you to take care of you.

That's what I am doing right now, taking care of me. And if others don't understand, then that's ok too. I only get one shot at this healing thing, and right now, I need rest. And so do you. Lots of rest.

What we really need from you, is to take the time to do what is right for you. That's all. :hug:'s

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you so much @AngelkeeperJ and @ladee, I cried with relief and recognition of the truth of your words @ladee, and am so grateful for the love @AngelkeeperJ and @ladee and everyone.
I was in the bath this morning, my guy told me someone was here to visit me. There's a music festival on in town here. It was someone I new in my music circles, someone with really significant mental health problems and also a guy who played drums in the last band I was in (lead singer/songwriter -me, that is), I know he has a massive crush on me.
I got really triggered, like backed-into-a-corner triggered, my guy could tell, even though I cover this with a mask-smile, we looked in my eyes and they weren't happy. I can't recieve visitors at the moment either, only my children, or my partners children. I am so needing solitude, it's not funny!
I used to be able to workaholic my way through, but, not any more. I pushed it too far, and was pushed too far, down broken street. I used to be able to dissociate so much! I could break off and ignore extreme physical and emotion pain and illness, not any more. "Faking it" has a shelf life, it's not a permanent option. Maybe it can be done for many, many years, but not forever.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so disappointed. I was really feeling well and two days in town, in a row, pushed me over the edge. Well it was really the fight I had with my guy, after coming home the second day. I interrupted him, it was a triggery conversation about the common phenomenon of being exploited, as a musician, something I know, only too well.
He got cranky coz I didn't receive him telling me all about it, very well.

Anyway, I went downhill from there. Got in a really bad state, hid and cried, as quietly as I could, in the bathtub. I ended up making us a cup of tea and apologizing to him, but I was badly affected, triggered, in a big way.

My brain has flared, since then, it hurts all the time, the squeezed, exhausted, foggy feeling and I'm very easily fatigued. I was going so well, too!

I'm still not feeling well, and it was last wednesday evening, that happened, and it's now Sunday.

It's maybe a mild form of clinical depression? Anyway, I just need brain-rest time, and low stimulation, and I know I'll come good, or at least get back to being as well as I was, not that long ago. I was drinking a little red wine most days and I've stopped that now.
I'd really like to feel more social, open, motivated and caring but I just feel so tired in the head and like my sense of care is at the lowest ebb, right now. In a deeper sense, I care, but, in a more immediate sense, my care bank account is overdrawn. I guess I need to invest in my self care, even more, I need to establish a renewed resolve tp work on better self care, again, and again and again, and I'm sure I will feel the benefit and reap good health harvests, from that.

 

[mumstheword]

I just wanted to.mention, that last time I jumped on the scales, I was 77.6 kgs, that's 10kg less than when I started my current weight loss efforts. There are 2.2 pounds in a kg, for those in the US. I am keeping things fairly keto these days and enjoying it alot. All my changes are sustainable and not deprivational at all. I have been struggling a bit lately compared to earlier, but I will never go back to my old compulsive eating habits, neither binging or starving.
I get a lot of inspiration from the Low Carb Mediterranean style diet from Micheal Mosley and his Wife, (sorry can't remember her name, and too lazy to get up and find it, but the cook book is fantastic ).
Oh, my friend came back and I told him I wasn't well enough to entertain, so yay me, for my good boundaries :-) He is very psychotically unwell, anyway, and had beought someone with him, I'm glad I said no, kindly.

 

[Freida]

I am so needing solitude, it's not funny!

this ^^^ is not a bad thing. LOL - or at least I keep trying to convince myself it's not because I'm doing it too!

I'm trying to think of it like a broken leg. If I broke my leg there would be lots of pain, then treatment to get it into a cast. Once the cast came off I would have to SLOWLY start exercising it to rebuild strength and have to give it lots of rest along the way

So - if I put ptsd in place of broken leg I think it makes sense that I would need lots of rest and quiet time during the healing process. Because I have to do physical therapy on my soul, rather than my leg.

Y'know?

 

[mumstheword]

this ^^^ is not a bad thing. LOL - or at least I keep trying to convince myself it's not because I'm doing it too!

I'm trying to think of it like a broken leg. If I broke my leg there would be lots of pain, then treatment to get it into a cast. Once the cast came off I would have to SLOWLY start exercising it to rebuild strength and have to give it lots of rest along the way

So - if I put ptsd in place of broken leg I think it makes sense that I would need lots of rest and quiet time during the healing process. Because I have to do physical therapy on my soul, rather than my leg.

Y'know?

Thanks @Freida :-) that actually helps a lot. It makes a lot of sense.
I still haven't got any yet. It's what I need more than anything, tho.

 

[mumstheword]

Today was spent in bed for the most part. I did work out though, something I've just started doing at home.

Nasty triggering by the neighbor, who still comes over for favours from my guy EVERY DAY.
I've handled it, for the most part, but last night, it tipped me over.
We ended up fighting. I felt very ashamed and humiliated. I was very sorry because I burdened him with my condition. I felt angry at the neighbor.

In future, I'm not answering the door, rather than feel so put upon or at risk of being rude to her. I don't want to upset my guy by ailienating his friend. But if I feel symptomatic and she comes over as per usual, I'm just not going to answer the door.

That's the best I can come up with, for now. I'm not proud of it, but after all I've been through, that's where I'm at.

My guy accused me of being anti-social and I said I feel like an arsehole. I apologized though, asked him to forgive me. He did.

I cried; a lot.

This thing with her has a lot of layers, one of them being my grief over my lost babies, last year. My guy is very gooey over her twin toddlers. I feel like he's playing daddy to her babies, while they both let me have mine sucked out of me in the hospital, alone.

It's not truly rational, and had more to do with my inner child emotional injury or soul injury (trauma imprints) than anything malicious or uncaring, on either of their parts. So I'm still grieving our lost babies. This, surely, is part of my anti-socialness.

Also grieving my childhood, my lack of familial support, or relationship with my mother, all the narcissistic abuse, the disadvantageous nature of intergenerational trauma, the ongoing psychological torture of having children with a socio-narc.

Also my T abandoned me, I don't have the energy to find another. Also my son walked out on me last time he came up, while I was talking to his gf and hasn't answered any of my texts.He's still got major issues with me.

So I think I'm a little clinically depressed, but I won't take anti-ds, I'm taking SAMe, instead. It's worked well, in the past.

 

[somerandomguy]

With you Mums. You are a beautiful person who deserves happiness, no matter what happens. Always try to remember that.

 

[mumstheword]

T

With you Mums. You are a beautiful person who deserves happiness, no matter what happens. Always try to remember that.

Thank you SRG, the feeling is mutual. I think you are an awesome guy, and I know you're gonna work your gender stuff out. You are a determined guy, a guy committed to your growth, to doing the right thing, by your gender and mine, to being truthful and kind. I believe in you.

I now know that I AM good, I am injured and healing, but good and honourable. I am also kind, but fragile in my newly-growing skin-boundaries-egg-bubble. I accept the way things are and I trust that things will change and yet always be. I will get past the hard things, the hurtful things, the humiliation and the betrayal, the being discarded, the many, many losses.

I am a strong woman, just as you are a strong man SRG. You are not a macho man, but you are still a strong, courageous honourable, truthful man, SRG. I know you will also get past your traumas.

I believe in us:-).

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling a little better. My youngest kid is good. He's enjoying school. Keeping his nose clean. Enjoying handball. Passing everything. Being social. Still insists he has a "psychopath's brain" but has taught himself impulse control and, apparently, I have taught him morals. He says three things would have to happen.for him to.become a "psychopath" 1, I would have to die or leave him, 2, he would have to go through significant trauma and abuse, and ... I can't remember three.

I am concerned the impact of his crappy father, who's entire extent of fathering him is giving him money on occasions and trying to get him hooked on weed and tobacco, failing that, he ignores him. My son, my youngest son, tried weed, I think his father gave it to him, he lied about who did, said it was his next brother up, but I talked to him and he knows nothing about it, anyway youngest son had a bad experience on weed, at his dad's, and now he, very rarely, goes down to his dad's.

So my kid, has a father, who lives in this town, who, isn't, really, a father to him, and my guy, who is much more of a father to him, than his actual father.

I think he'll be ok though.

Oh that's right, he wants therapy, that was number three, he reckons he needs it, so he doesn't become a psychopath. He tells me he gets random violent impulses, all the time. When.he was little, he was very violent and impulsive, but, with the help of my guy's guidance (we weren't living together then) I put in really rigorous boundaries and lots and lots of love and attention and my guy helped and we got him through that.
I think he got the biggest portion of his father's genes, but he got my smarts (same results in IQ test and same myers-briggs personality type).
Anyway, I think he's shaping up to be an ok human. I hope so. I really do think so. I just have to keep being here for him, and at some stage, find a therapist that is going to do more good than harm. I don't trust easy, so I'm a bit ambivalent about that. So many, around here, just aren't very good, in my experience, and my kid has special needs.

 

[Freida]

That's the best I can come up with, for now. I'm not proud of it, but after all I've been through, that's where I'm at.

uhmmm.... not opening the door for someone you don't want to talk to? makes perfect sense to me. I don't think of that as anti social. I think of it as ....not wanting to talk to someone who triggers you

With you Mums. You are a beautiful person who deserves happiness, no matter what happens. Always try to remember that.

This!!! ^^^^^

 

[mumstheword]

So, my youngest daughter has moved down to her father's and is living there with her new boyfriend, really, her first serious bf. She had a play at having a bf, in primary school (what you guys, in US would probably deem middle school age) and then decided she wasn't interested, as all the boys were too immature. She's finally gotten involved with a young man, he's a bit older than her, she's 17, he's 21.

We (me and my guy) finally got to meet him today.
It was dawty's photo exhibition, for school. She has been doing old school dark room photography. So we all met there, in the school MPU, their assembly and performance hall, that was set up with various art form displays of talented and creative teenagers work.

I hope he's a goody. Not sure what to make of him, he's quiet.She looks happy though.

My dawty wouldn't sell me any of her portraits of herself or two of my son's, but one of her friends did some amazing pics of her (my dawty) and of them together, (with a time delayed camera). I am buying some of them, I will take pics of these photos and put them up here, when I get them, because they are so artsy, you can't tell what they (the girls) actually look like. They are painted with fluro paint and then shot in a dark room with black light. Looks soooo cool! :)

I am accepting my daughter having moved out, really well. She wanted to, a couple of years ago, and I freaked out. I wouldn't let her go. So she stayed, basically to keep me happy. Now it's time to let her go.

Her dad may be (and is) as dodgy as all get out, but she is a really sensible girl, very solid in herself (she is born under the sun sign of Taurus and oh what a Taurian she is, a VERY solid-in-herself individual) . And yes she does smoke weed and yes, she is underweight, a mere waif of a girl, but, she looks happy, she is keeping up with her school load and has a part-time job at a pizza trattoria (where she met her new guy) . She is a very beautiful, inside and out, young woman, both my girl's are.

I can't afford to worry myself to death over my kids.
All I can do, is be here. Be someone who models healthier and more and more wise choices, who stands up for herself, who actualizes herself, and takes care of herself. Who is living proof that being true to yourself pays off. Who has faith in life. Who is trustworthy and has integrity. Who is available, to give a hand, give support and share the benefit of my experience, knowledge and wisdom, when it's needed. And who isn't afraid to do what's right FOR ME, even if it's not popular with all and sundry.

That's within my power. The other stuff? Where I have no control? Not worth wasting my energy on. Worry won't help my kid's, Not one iota.